A Mom Asks If She's Asking Too Much Of Her Kids’ Grandparents

I don’t know if you’re on the corner of TikTok where people are complaining about uninvolved grandparents, but it seems there’s a whole lot of Millennial and Gen Z parents lamenting the fact that, unlike their own grandparents, their parents don’t seem terribly interested in helping with or even coming to visit their children. One mom on Reddit, u/Ok_Page2932 (we’ll call her Page) seems to be in that boat herself, and took to the popular Parenting subreddit to ask “Am I expecting too much from grandparents?”

Page explains that she has three kids, the last of whom, an infant, is medically complex. While she’s “OK” at the moment, it took five surgeries to get her to a place where she could even hope to live. Page’s parents live in another state, so they can’t be there for day-to-day help, obviously. But...

“I also feel like the bare minimum they’re putting in isn’t enough,” she confesses. “I’m curious as to whether I’m the assh*le for thinking that?”

Page asked her parents to join a Facebook group to better understand her daughter’s condition, “or at least Google it, because they kept asking the same questions that could be answered with their own research if they did those things.”

This hasn’t happened, it seems. They’ve visited twice in the past four months, but Page doesn’t feel her family got their full attention in those times. She says her parents spent about two hours with her and her children and spent the rest of the weekend working remotely.

“I understand that it’s expensive to travel, but they are also going on three cruises this year so it’s not like they can’t travel to visit and lend a hand,” she says. “They also don’t check in to see how I’m doing emotionally. They will send a text and ask when the next surgery is and say they are praying for her.

“I know they didn’t ask to be grandparents,” she concludes, “so I’m wondering if I’m overreacting by being jaded?”

Reaction from commenters was thoroughly mixed.

“You're not overreacting,” said one commenter. “Their support is insufficient given the circumstances.”

“You’ll get some comments saying your parents don’t owe you anything but I completely disagree with that,” agrees another. “My grandma was such a huge part of my life and my parents are pretty good grandparents but I do feel disappointed in the lack of help I’ve gotten from them.”

But there was, indeed, quite a lot of the sentiment that Page’s parents were in the right.

“I think you seem a bit entitled to be honest,” said a third. “They are still working, and for you to even mention the vacations they take is appalling to me. They worked all their life, had their kids, they shouldn't be expected to put their lives on hold anymore. ... I think you are resenting them for something you have no right to. Maybe you are just overwhelmed right now with a sick child, have you sat them down and told them that?”

“If you feel disappointed, it's understandable and your feelings are valid,” said another. “The thing is that they have no obligation to be supportive or to see the kids often. These aren't their kids. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents. There are a lot of reasons a grandparent doesn't see the grandkids much. You should have a discussion to find out their reason.”

One commenter offered measured, hopefully helpful advice.

“A huge and very difficult lesson I had to learn as an adult is that we need to meet people where they're at and be okay with whatever they're willing to give of themselves,” they write. “Your parents are still working full time and they live in another state. They visit three times a year and call once a month. I'm not sure what your expectations are for them, but they aren't doing absolutely nothing. I'd find a way to accept the situation as it is.”

I’ve learned, as a parent myself, that parents aren’t always perfect. Hopefully we’re all trying our best all the time, but certainly we’re going to disappoint from time to time. Hopefully, though, we can all be there for our kids in a way that balances our needs with theirs.