From The Confessional: I Can't Stand The B*tches In My Neighborhood

by Cassandra Stone
A neighborhood full of big white houses with the 'From the Confessional' logo

These moms would rather eat glass than keep up with the bitchy Joneses in their neighborhood!

You can love your house and you can love your neighborhood, but actually loving your neighbors is a totally different story. It’s very rare that people live next door or across the street to people who automatically become our BFFs because it’s far more likely to live by assholes instead.

Maybe it’s their holiday decorations—they’re gaudy and annoying. Maybe they make you feel like your holiday decorations are sub-par. Maybe it’s the way they talk shit on everyone on the street. Maybe their dog poops in your yard. Maybe their kids are bullies. Maybe the grown-up neighbors are bullies. Maybe you live next door to a Trumper with a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag. Whatever the reason, neighbors can be THE WORST.

If you can’t stand your neighbors, particularly the bitchy ones, then these confessions are for you. Go ahead and crack open the Prosecco, slice up some of that gourmet cheese, and get ready to read about the neighbors from hell.

I don’t even try to keep up w/neighbors when it comes to holiday decorations. No lawn inflatables, animated decorations, spotlights, or attempts to win neighborhood awards. Just a wreath on the door and some strings of lights on the porch for Christmas.

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Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. Now that my kids are older, and the expectation to have that “perfect set of costumes with insta-ready makeup and fabulous yard decorations to keep up with the neighbors increases, I’m starting to hate it”

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I don't like my neighbors dogs. They dirty and loud. The one barks at everything. They jump up and get dirt on my clothes. They knock down the fence like once a week. And the owners blame the fence installer. Out of control.

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I have COVID. Both of my babies have COVID. All because my dumbass neighbors don't think it's real and didn't stay in their space and/or mask when they knew they were positive.

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Neighbors spreading COVID when they KNEW they were positive? Oh hell no. Slap a ‘For Sale’ sign in my yard, because I’d be DONE.

Climate change disasters all around and my neighbors just took down a giant, healthy 150 year old tree so they can add a screened in porch. The earth is doomed.

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Random neighbors brought their toddler into our yard and was letting her climb all over my child’s play set. Like WTF? Who does that? This is not a park. Get out of my yard, weirdos.

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Ah yes, the No Boundaries Neighbors are their own special brand of frustrating.

Already held disdain for my neighbors but they just bought another vehicle that won’t “fit in the driveway so they park in front of my house now. I have to look at them dozens of times during the day and I want to tell them to get the fuck outta my face”

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My neighbors are assholes and if it was their kid being bullied I bet they'd feel differently.

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Neighbors adopted a new dog over the weekend. Now I get to listen to FOUR of those fuckers bark incessantly every day, ibstead of only three. How fun!

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I don't want to smell your cigarettes, hear your stupid hemi truck, see your driveway filled with cars, or anything that makes me think of you. HATE having new neighbors!!

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Despite the county-wide ban, neighbors were lighting fireworks all night last night. After I told my kids they couldn't light theirs because of the $500 fine if you get caught. Rude assholes.

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Okay but are we all in agreement that the Incessant Firework Neighbors are a close call for first place in the Shitty Neighbor Contest? (COVID spreaders automatically win first place, obvi.)

My neighbors kids are complete bullies, veryyyy selfish mom. They treat each other like garbage and the parents are so damn complacent to it all. My kids still will play but call them the naughty neighbors.. fuck em! Can't wait to move away someday.

Confessional #25839122

I hate my neighbors' gross fire pit, which smokes up our house next door. I just don't like people, their smells, and their noise. I want to move away from the city.

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Built a new house. Lots of our neighbors tell us they walked through our house when it was being built. Did strangers install cameras? I sometimes wonder...

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And the following confession is probably the most perfect way to sum up the theme of this entire piece:

the "neighbor is here to help" song from Daniel Tiger is a big ass lie. Neighbors are awful.

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