Sex In Your Teens Vs. Sex In Your 40s

Then: Casually wait in the living room for your parents to finally go to bed so you can get it on.

Now: Exhaustedly wait in bed for your teenager to finally go to sleep so you can get it on.

Then: Think about sex and when you can make it happen all the time.

Now: Think about sex once a week and how to avoid it the other days.

Then: Feel certain everyone your age is having more sex than you.

Now: Feel certain everyone your age is having more sex than you.

Then: Have sex on Sunday afternoon while your parents are out shopping.

Now: Have sex Sunday morning before your kids wake up.

Then: Sneak kisses in the basement, hallway, garage and behind the tool shed.

Now: Try to remember to kiss your spouse hello and goodbye.

Then: Always feel certain someone will catch you.

Now: Always feel the dog’s eyes on you when you’re doing it.

Then: Feel terrified of an unplanned pregnancy which would ruin your life.

Now: Feel terrified of an unplanned pregnancy which would ruin your life.

Then: Wait desperately for your parents to go out, anywhere, so you can get it on.

Now: Wait desperately for your kids to plug in their headphones so you can get it on.

Then: Try everything in bed.

Now: Get to what works immediately.

Then: Think sex in a bed is super exciting.

Now: Think sleep in a bed is super exciting.

Then: Always have a supply of condoms (because getting knocked up sucks).

Now: Always have a supply of lube (because perimenopause sucks).

Then: Be unable to focus on anything other than the next time you could do it.

Now: Be unable to focus on sex while you are doing it because of bills, laundry, work and carpool.

Then: Surreptitiously get to second or third base in movie theaters, cars, dark restaurants and on the front porch.

Now: Forget any foreplay and just do it as quickly as possible before you are interrupted.

Then: Wear sexy underwear.

Now: Wear clean underwear.

Then: Hope your parents don’t catch you because they have no idea what real sex is.

Now: Hope your teenagers don’t catch you because they have no idea what real sex is.