Six Parenting Jobs I Dream About Outsourcing

I knew what I was getting into with this parenting gig. I knew there’d be poop and puke and exhaustion so deep that on some days it should be illegal for me to operate a vehicle. I knew there’d be frustration and boredom and aggravation that would leave me yelling, crying, and muttering nonsensically.

But I’m finding it’s not the physical or the emotional aspects of parenting that suck the will to go on out of me. It’s the endless list of things that need to be managed.

These are the parenting jobs I dream of giving to someone — anyone — else.

1. Equipment Manager: Primary responsibilities include knowing height, weight, clothing and shoe sizes for children at any given moment; acquiring and tracking gear required for safety (car seats, helmets, shin guards, mouth guards), all balls (every freakin’ kind of ball known to man), and other assorted gear (winter, summer, rain, beach, dance) while having a working knowledge of school supplies. Preference given to candidates with built-in water bottle tracking device.

2. Social Secretary: Seeking assistance managing the constant deluge of invitations and RSVPs for play dates, birthday parties, school functions, field trips, events, and volunteer opportunities while managing all applications, medical forms, and deadlines for extracurricular activities. Extensive knowledge of Sign Up genius (or similar crowd sourcing platform), Perfect Potluck, and calendaring applications required.

3. Part-Time Meteorologist: Must be available mornings to respond to multiple weather inquiries including, but not limited to: How hot is it? Is it really cold or really, really cold? What’s the Real Feel? What will the temperature be at 11:00 a.m.? Candidate should understand that regardless of the accuracy of answers, during winter child will opt for a sweatshirt or a sundress.

4. Private Investigator: Needed to solve daily parenting mysteries. Must be relentless in their pursuit of answers. Extensive experience with blank stares required. Lines of questioning to include: Where did you last see it? Did you touch that? Who was the last person to touch that? Have you seen her? When is the last time you saw him? Was he carrying anything unusual? What did he say exactly?

5. Inventory Control Specialist: Candidates required to monitor levels of household staples and implement alert system for tracking and backfiling as needed. Will be asked to estimate how many sandwiches a mostly empty peanut butter jar can produce and how many loads of laundry are left in the detergent bottle. Coupon experience a plus, but not required. Bonuses rewarded if toilet paper supply never reaches depletion.

6. Scapegoat: Looking for someone else to blame for all of our family’s shortcomings. Candidate must also take responsibility for anything lost, forgotten, or generally wrong. This role reports directly to the mother of the household.

But I’m not in a position to add staff at this time.

I’m standing in my kitchen and we’re out of peanut butter again, I don’t have correct change for the field trip form due today, and it’s my fault that no one can seem to locate their sweatshirts, because it’s 23 degrees out, and why would you need a coat?

Okay, fine. Maybe I had no idea what I was getting into.

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