Your Teen Isn’t Just Being A Jerk — They Might Be “Sh*tting The Nest”

Watching all the graduations happen around me has certainly put me in my own feels when it comes to my three daughters. My oldest is nearly 12, so I know her “leaving the nest” is sure to come faster than I can possibly imagine, but does she have to participate in “shitting the nest” on her way out?

I know, it sounds horrible — and it kind of is. While we all know teenagers often push boundaries and treat us, their parents, like we’re the dumbest humans that have ever lived, calling this act “shitting the nest” really drives it home. The theory, Reddit explains, is that teens are meant to act like total a-holes the closer they get to leaving the nest in some weird, evolutionary effort to make sure you don’t miss them too much. Like, of course you may not still be fully ready for them to be out on their own, but you might feel a little relief because they’ve had such a nasty attitude for so long.

And when you’re in the thick of those teen years, it’s hard to remember that this is all totally developmentally normal.

One parent took to Reddit to share how “crushing” this era of parenting is. The original poster (OP) finds it devastating that their now 15-year-old seems totally uninterested in hanging out with them, and all they can think about is how much they miss their child when they were younger. “I was warned that this is what teenage years are like, that they don't really appreciate you again until after college,” OP wrote. “But this is more upsetting than I'd expected. This is normal for teenagers, I'm sure, but what is normal for parents going through it? Am I pathetic? Is anyone else crushed by this part?”

So very normal. Not pathetic at all. And yes, of course.

One commenter wrote, “Not to sound flippant, but I’ve heard this stage referred to as ‘shitting the nest.’ It’d be unbearable to lose them if they were their sweet selves, so they make it easier on us by being little jerks for a few years.”

There’s some truth to that: It’s a combination of their brain not being fully developed and the anxiety they feel with all the upcoming transitions, Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner, founder and pediatric psychologist at Peak Psychology, tells Scary Mommy.

“Communication skills, problem-solving, and emotion regulation are still developing. They have not yet developed the coping skills to manage all of these impulses, so they are more likely to be snappy and irritable,” she explains. “In addition, they are establishing their identity and independence. It is normal for them to push boundaries and establish some control.”

And when it comes to the anxiety, Dittner says that emotion typically manifests as “fight or flight”... and I think we all know which one a teen’s going to choose. “Therefore, their tendency to be ‘difficult’ is likely more about their nervous system and worry about what’s next. Think about it as a ‘shaken up snow globe’ — they literally cannot think straight,” she says.

OK, so you know it’s normal and you know it’s developmentally sound, so surely it shouldn’t bother you in the slightest, right? Right?

“No, it doesn't help with the transition. Nothing does! It's supposed to be a huge storm of emotions because it is a developmental shift — for everyone. Parents become a passenger and not the driver anymore. Teens are navigating being alone for the first time and having to say goodbye to everything that has been familiar,” Dittner says. And if you notice your kid suddenly becomes themself again once they leave the nest, consider that a sign that they’ve adjusted to their new normal “and the snow globe settles down.”

But while everything feels unmoored and like it’s slipping through your hands, take a deep breath. They’re still your kid. You still love them.

Blame that pesky still-developing front lobe.