What's The Biggest Lie You've Ever Told Your Kids?

As a parent, I believe in being honest and open with your children almost always... and that “almost” is doing some very, very heavy lifting. Look, 99% of the time or more, being up front is the best policy, but it’s a truth universally acknowledged that a child in possession of a very tired parent must be in need of a convenient lie from time to time. And when those times arrive? Truly nothing hits like a getting away with spectacularly lying to your child. Kids are great, but they’re not terribly sophisticated and they’re inclined to trust what we tell them. (Especially when we prove ourselves trustworthy the other 99% of the time.) Recently, dad and former pro-football player Matt Leinart took to TikTok to ask...

“Tell me the biggest lies you tell your kids. I’m not talking about Santa or the Easter Bunny. I want the ones that you’re taking to the grave.”

So we’ve gathered some of our 10 favorites from the more than 2,000 in the comments. But I must warn you: they are gold. Sparkling, shiny, precious gold and you will want to steal some of them...

“When new teeth grow in, I told her that they create new tastes. Now she tries to figure out which new foods she will like every time a new tooth comes in.”

A+ no notes. I can just imagine seeing a new one popping through and very seriously declaring “Oh, I’m not an expert, but that looks like a roasted broccoli tooth...”

“Every single car accident we passed was because the kids were fighting in the back seat.”

This sounds like something my dad would have done in the ’80s and ’90s. (Like many dads of his generation, he also convinced us it was illegal to have the light on in the back seat at night, so there’s one of his good ones.) Assuming you’re not passing any really traumatizing-looking accidents, I’m a big fan of this one.

“When their tablets need updating I have to mail it directly to Amazon and we have no clue how long it will take — days, weeks, or months. In reality they are in my closet and I just want them outside catching toads and bugs.”

Oh this is diabolical and I’m here for it, though I pity you on the day they inevitably find those iPads shoved behind a coat...

“I told my daughter that whenever a kid lies to their parents they eyes glow… now if she’s lying she squints at me!”

This is a masterpiece akin to “If you pee in the pool the water turns red/green/purple/etc.” I guarantee you that if she ever has kids of her own she will use it with them...

“For every bite of vegetables at dinner, they could stay up 5 minutes later. But, they didn’t know how to tell time.”

In the grand scheme of parenting, the shelf-life on this is not long, but it’s great while it lasts.

“You can only go to Chuck E Cheese if you’re invited for a party. We don’t know anyone that has had a party so…”

*slow-clap* This is much better than my Chuck E. Cheese lie of “Unfortunately, Chuck E. Cheese is a West Coast company. We don’t have any on the East Coast.”

I definitely flew too close to the sun on this one because it wasn’t long before their classmates started talking all about how much fun the local franchise was...

“When the ice cream truck plays music, it means they’re empty.”

I got by for years calling the ice cream truck “The Music Truck.” “What does it do? It plays music for all the kids to enjoy! That’s why those kids are chasing it. Isn’t that nice?”

“I told my daughter I could open the car trunk with my eyes. As we would walk to the car I would squint while pushing the button in my pocket.”

Honestly, I think kids need some of this whimsy. They’ll find out that kind of magic isn’t real soon enough: let them revel in the idea that it is for as long as they can.

“Before I could read my mom would tell me every sign in a store said ‘all children must have their hands behind their backs.’”

Honestly if you can enforce this I think you should be crowned Ruler of the Parents because this is rad.

“If I didn’t want to share, I told my kids whatever I was eating/drinking was too spicy for them.”

“Trust me, bro: you don’t want to burn your mouth.”

What little white lies have made your parenting experience funnier, easier, or generally funnier? We want to know!