The Emotional Whiplash Of Parenting A Tween

Everyone warns you about the tween years; it’s true. Much like people giving you that all-knowing side-eye when you excitedly claim that your toddler is almost 3 and officially out of the “terrible twos” stage, mentioning that your child is about to become a tween is just asking for comments. People will tell you everything to expect, from how moody your tween will be to the highs and lows their hormones will take them, but nothing can truly prepare you. Because the emotional whiplash of parenting a tween is intense, and honestly? It kind of feels like the toddler years all over again.

In the best ways and in the worst ways.

I have three daughters, and my oldest is 11. We’ve yet to have any big, moody moments — the kind everyone warned me would happen basically the second she blew out her birthday candles — but there’s still emotional whiplash. One day, she’s upstairs, a little snarky and pretty intolerant of her younger sisters, seemingly annoyed at everyone around her. The next, she’s leaning up against my hip as I cook, just like she did when she was a toddler, telling me she doesn’t have anything to talk about, she just wants “to be here for a bit.”

It reminds me so much of the 2- to 3-year-old times. Where your little one is independent and exploding with new things every day, like forming complete sentences and managing to get their tiny Fred Flintstone feet off the ground when they jump. They’re so happy to show you, but suddenly you’re expressing your joy in the worst way to them, and they can not be in this room for even one more second without absolutely IMPLODING. Then, they run to you and can’t help but throw their whole body on you, for even a brief second, to regulate whatever it is they’re feeling.

Emotional whiplash.

Reesa Morala, a licensed family therapist and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective, says not only is all of this with tweens extremely normal, but there's also a scientific explanation. Whether you're noticing your kid is just feeling a little off some days, a little more emotional than usual, or, as Morala puts it, noticing your tween is "more akin to a gremlin fed after midnight than your sweet, loving child" you once knew.

"First, it is a major construction zone inside their brain right now, all in preparation for a huge growth spurt and finding their place in the world to be able to launch into adulthood. Next, there is a big shift in hormones — specifically testosterone in boys and girls and estradiol in girls. Testosterone increases cause an overall impact on lowering the 'risk receptors' and making the 'high reward' center super sensitive. What this might look like in boys is an increase in aggression as a means of climbing the food chain, and in girls, it may look like engaging in bullying behaviors that lead to creating a fear of upsetting and producing less testosterone. In addition to the testosterone influx for girls, they experience an increase in estradiol, which is responsible for inhibition and risk-taking behaviors," she says.

So you know, all super easy and highly simple emotions we're dealing with here!

The problem with all of these heightened emotions and hormones is that tweens — much like toddlers — aren't sure how to deal with them. "In my practice, tweens feel emotions that are two to three times more intense than those of adults, but with, at most, half the tools that adults have in processing those emotions," says licensed clinical social worker Melissa Gallagher, executive director of Victory Bay. "That's why something seemingly as innocent as relocating their favorite cup or a switch up in dinner plans can feel completely crushing for them — their brain is interpreting those actions as literal threats."

I know. You know it's not a threat, and of course, you know screaming at them to take a chill pill is not helpful. But this is both familiar and uncharted territory. Like a toddler, tweens will push boundaries. Gallagher says their behavior is often a literal test to see if you love them enough to stick around. "How well you handle them when they're losing it, in turn, will let them figure out whether or not they can trust you when the actual crises come around," she says.

So, how do we handle this emotional whiplash? When they're toddlers and you joke with friends that the way your 2-year-old is treating you would be behavior worthy of an arrest from an adult, it feels nice to laugh. But how do you handle those feelings from a tween? If your tween is chatting with you about school one minute and then absolutely buckling under the weight of emotions that you can't even pinpoint the next, what should you do?

Morala says you need to brace for this emotional whiplash by finding a grounding mantra like "this is their job right now" or "this isn't about me, it's about puberty" as a reminder that this too shall pass. "And don't forget to tap out if you need a break to collect yourself before you start to spiral, too."

Gallagher agrees, saying that she tells parents to build in "connection moments" that are not about speaking about anything specific; they're just low-pressure interactions that give your tween "a chance to be around you without feeling as though they have to put on a show or explain themselves." She says this often leads to them opening up when they're good and ready, and something as simple as a car ride, taking them to practice, cooking together, or just being with them while they do their homework can help.

Above all, just like with toddlers, you need your tweens to know that you're their safe space. "Their brain is on fire right now. Put your feet in their shoes and imagine how overwhelming it likely feels to be on fire and not know how to put it out. Get on their level. If they say it 'sucks,' meet them where they are at — not to fix it, but to sit with them in how awful it is when things suck," Morala says. She recommends leading with love, empathy, and validation first; you can get to the discipline and life lesson after they've regulated. "They likely know when they have messed up," Morala says. "In fact, their inner critic is likely very threatening right now. Instead, show them their value and their worth — of love and respect — and you'll help arm them with armor they can take into the battleground that is middle school."

Because at the end of the day, Morala notes that they are already battling to find their place on the social ladder of the world. "Don't be another war they have to fight."