Teen Indecision Isn't Laziness — Here's What It Really Is

I truly hate the “nobody told me” schtick of parenting because it’s almost always about something someone absolutely did tell them. But I’ve finally experienced a few things I didn’t see coming as my oldest officially hits the tween stage, and it has nothing to do with her behavior, attitude, or eye rolls. (They are epic though.)

I just need to know why my teen can’t make a decision.

“I don’t know” is her favorite sentence. What do you want for dinner? Do you want the black shorts or the blue ones? Are you going to the library after school?

Sometimes it’s something as simple as me saying, “Hey, is it OK if I use your bathroom real quick, or do you need to go in there?” Sometimes it’s a bigger question like, “If you don’t get the theatre class, which elective do you want next year?”

But no matter what, “I don’t know” is always her default answer. And it’s far more frustrating than I would’ve guessed.

“‘I don’t know’ is usually less about not knowing and more about not wanting to be caught knowing,” Arielle Bailkin, LCSW, tells me. “Choosing exposes you. Once a teen picks something, they’ve revealed a preference — and preferences can be judged, rejected, or wrong. The freeze is often risk management, not confusion.”

It makes sense. Even the smallest thing, like saying “I don’t know” to a dinner choice, could mean that they don’t want to tell you what they really want — a bowl of cereal — because they know you’ll balk and say, “We can’t have cereal for dinner!” (You totally can, trust me.) Even in the lowest of stakes, this “I don’t know” can be a protective force.

Bailkin says that kids have tons of things to choose from at this age, as well. “The stakes scale with how public the decision feels. Picking a lunch spot is low exposure. Choosing a class or joining a club is a statement about who you are and where you belong — and in competitive social environments, that gets amplified fast. Indecision can be a way of opting out of that entirely.”

And, unfortunately, when parents (I’m speaking directly to myself here) get annoyed or frustrated with a teen’s indecision, we certainly don’t make it any easier. Bailkin says that by treating indecision as a “problem to solve” or “adding urgency,” we raise the stakes. “Narrowing the options and lowering the cost of being wrong tends to help more,” she adds.

You can’t forget FOMO either, especially in this age. “Saying yes to one plan means committing to missing something else. For teens with rejection sensitivity — especially pronounced in kids with ADHD — that calculus runs constantly in the background,” Bailkin says.

Well. Now I feel bad.

But this is all developmentally sound, and kids learning how to make decisions comes with time and experience. This is “a scary transition period,” says Alli Spots-De Lazzer, LMFT, LPCC. “For many years, children are often guided by parents, and the teen years become that bridge toward greater ownership of self, decision-making, and eventual independence. That can feel terrifying.”

She points out that, whether our teens are aware of it or not, because everything is always so rushed and busy, “I don’t know” often outlasts whatever time limit we have for them to make a decision, and that ends up meaning we parents have to decide for our kids. “Even if they push back against it, that can still bring relief and function as conscious or unconscious avoidance of the discomfort and responsibility that come with growth,” Spots-De Lazzer says.

When our teens are toddlers, we figure the more options we give them, the less they’ll melt down. As they become teens, it seems like the more options we give, the more overwhelmed they are. I’ve found asking my own teen, “Do you want me to help you make a decision for you?” flips a switch in her brain. Then, she’s either so put out by the idea that I make a decision for her that she finally makes one, or she says yes, and I know it’s then something she just didn’t want to think about.

As Bailkin points out, “Teen indecision isn't always a lack of preference. A lot of the time it's a kid doing math — what do I risk by choosing, and is it worth it?”

Raising teens is so hard. You want them to trust themselves and their own instincts, but you also want them to know they can turn to you when everything’s too much, and they need help. You want them to have autonomy and feel independent and make their own decisions, but you also know they’re just as easily overwhelmed as they were when they were toddlers.

For now, keep asking them questions and letting them make decisions. But just know if they say, “I don’t know,” it’s not just because their frontal lobe is still developing — sometimes it means a whole lot more than we think.