Vegans, Bad Parents, And Buttholes Make Up The Weirdest Story You’ll Read Today

Sometimes less is more unless we are talking buttholes then none, please

You know the old saying “If you want to know if someone is vegan, don’t worry, they’ll tell you?” Well, a vegan café owner is becoming infamous over a bad review – not of their food, but of their buttholes. Actually, we take that back. Just one butthole seems to be the center of debate.

Earlier this week, a customer wrote a negative review of Imagine Vegan Café in Memphis, Tennessee. Oddly, it wasn’t about their food or the fact that they felt sad eating it, but because there was a naked baby running around while they ate. And not just any baby, but a baby “showing off its butthole,” which it turns out was the owner’s toddler.

Yes, you read that right. The restaurant owner’s child was running amuck showing off its chocolate starfish like an angry gorilla to anyone who couldn’t look away fast enough. Fine, the child probably wasn’t actively showing off their butthole, but I’m going to try and use the word butthole as much as possible in this story because it’s a rarity in my adult life to be able to do so this freely.

According to Wonkette.com, patron Chelsey Bartley issued the following scathing review because, apparently in addition to the side of butthole she was served, the owner’s other child was yodeling at her repeatedly during her meal. In the complaint, Bartley wrote, “During my visit, a bare butt naked baby was running around (…) and bent over to show me its butthole. I wish I was exaggerating.”

So do we, Chelsey. Not being present when this entire situation unfolded may be the single biggest regret of our lives.

Bartley went on to say, “Like I get it’s a family establishment and kids do weird things but…” To the owners (and parents) of said children, them were fightin’ words and went for the jugular in a series of now deleted posts. “I am about to start calling out names and pictures of people who leave us bad reviews (…) You will no longer be allowed to come and dine at Imagine,” the owners responded. For what it’s worth, we don’t believe anyone with an 80 percent chance of contracting eColi is up for another visit.

As you can imagine, there were a bazillion comments with friends tagging friends and coming out of the dark to tell their own harrowing butthole stories. People are #NeverForgetting about the thing they have now aptly named #ButtholeGate. Because the internet can be awesome, sometimes.

The owners still wouldn’t let it go because to them it is “all about standing up to bullies.”

Since most of these comments have gone into a black hole, we will offer our own. Unless we are eating dinner in your home, and even still then, having naked children running around is not okay. Not even a little bit. This woman is not anti-children, she is anti-butthole. Naked children and food do not go together, trust us, we have a bunch of our own.

The owners felt somehow compelled to issue another (yes, you guessed it) now deleted response:

Someone stab me in the eye with aged tofu, the kid isn’t fully potty trained? We don’t meant to be anal here but we’re going to have to ask you to put something in between that child’s ass and that patron’s bowl of lentils because HOLY SHIT, health code violation.

After the first thread went viral (because buttholes couldn’t not go viral), the restaurant issued a final statement:

Buuuuuuuut then they decided that stance was still too aggressive and took that one down, too. Then decided ‘fuck this shit’ and deleted their entire Facebook page.

So we guess at this point, you will just have to drive to Memphis to check it out for yourselves. But we recommend keeping your eyes on your own peas and carrots.