Stop pretending that Peeps are food
Easter is coming! No seriously, it is. I know we just had Valentine’s Day and you’re still exhausted from buying small cards and eating your kids’ Hershey’s Kisses, but the only holidays we have in March are St. Patrick’s Day and National Submarine Day, and those are both on the 17th so you can knock them out at once.
Easter is one of those holidays that does a lot of marketing, and Easter marketing means Peeps, and now Peeps mean Oreos, and that means the Earth is collapsing in on itself and there is nothing here for us anymore. It’s time to colonize the moon. Thanks, Oreo.
Oreos, which already has way too damn many varieties, has gone into Frankenstein’s lab once again and this time they’ve come out with Peeps Oreos. According to People.com, Peeps Oreos are “made up of two golden cookies and bright pink marshmallow Peeps-flavored creme covered in sugar.” “I’m relieved to hear that they’re covered in sugar because I was worried they wouldn’t be sweet enough,” said people who need to paint their entire house in half an hour.
Let’s be straight here: Peeps are disgusting. Shhh. No. NO. Look at me: They are disgusting. They claim to be a mix of colored sugar and marshmallows, which may be a lie to make us think they are edible. But I think most of us know that Peeps are not for eating — Peeps are for putting in the microwave with toothpicks and pretending they are jousting to the death. Period. End of story.
There are, however, a lot of misguided people out there who keep trying to come up with new ways to trick us into eating Peeps, which is how we’ve ended up with them in our Oreos. (By the way, has it occurred to anyone else that putting a Peep in an Oreo is like smashing a baby chick in one of those car crushers they use in junkyards? “Where’s the chick, Mom?” “See that flat pink part? That’s all that’s left. And that’s why we don’t let our Peeps near our Oreos.”)
We found a few more examples of people trying to make Peeps into food and/or decorations on Pinterest. Here are our ten favorites:
There’s a little song I like to sing about Peep popcorn to the tune of “I’ve Been Working On The Railroad.” It goes, “Burn your Peeps alive in a pan, melt them down to goo, pour the remains over popcorn and try to sleep again.” I’m still workshopping it.
Peeps driving Twinkies
Beep beep! Last train to Diabetes Junction! Grab your insulin and climb aboard!
Ever thought that your martini with sugar in the recipe and sugar on the rim of the glass could use a dash more sugar? Voila.
There are no Peeps in this, but it showed up in the middle of the Pinterest search results page so we thought it was another Peeps recipe for a second. It was a really, really bad second.
Peeps On A Stick
That first image looks difficult to eat. That second image looks delicious. That third image looks like something out of the worst fetish porn video ever.
Those are bright yellow Peeps over bright blue Jello. Because nothing is in this world is real, son. You’ve taken the red pill, and now we’re going to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
All I see are Peep diarrhea sandwiches. Because I am a 14-year-old boy. And I apologize.
In more barbaric times, bunnies were smothered in glass jars under layers of graham crackers and custard. Sometimes, their executioners would add insult to injury by having baby chicks frolic on top of their creamy coffins. If you got real close to the glass, you could just make out the sound of their little noses twitching against the glass in agony.
The Horror, The Horror
Haven’t they suffered enough?!
Peeps In A Hot Tub
Now we’re talking. This is Peep food we can get behind. I mean, we can’t eat it, but we can definitely support it.
So let’s stop pretending Peeps are food, okay, Oreo? Peeps are for jousting, smothering, and hot tubbing. That’s it. And Oreo, we want one kind of cookie. Just one. End this madness.