We just wish AF would GTFO, because periods suck.
Menstruating folks the world over are at the mercy of a monthly hassle — period. Sure, there are a select few who feel empowered by their cycle, but for the rest of us, periods are a (literal) headache. And much like that second-day Aunt Flo flow, the people in The Confessional aren’t holding back. At all.
“Today is hell day, AKA day 2 of my period. It’s been 37 years since I got my first period, that’s almost 450 hell days! I’ve spent way over a year of my life in hell. When the fuck is menopause going to get here already!?!”
From period poops to out-of-control cravings, here are the worst things about “that time of the month,” as angrily typed by anonymous Scary Mommy confessors.
First of all, the freakin’ PMS. Our period doesn’t even have to be here yet and it can still wreak havoc on our lives.
“Ragey. Want to tell anyone and everyone to fuck off. Could start an argument at a pin drop. Yup, my period is coming.”
“Realizing that I get more easily pissed off the closer my period gets. That is not good for anyone in my life.”
“A Sam’s Club chocolate chunk cookie covered in peanut butter saves me from committing murder when I am PMSing.”
Ah yes, cookies. Because sometimes only food can soothe the savage beast. The jury is still out on exactly why we feel the need to inhale every snack food within a twelve-mile radius, but scientists think it’s because carbohydrates give us a nice bump in serotonin, the “feel-good” hormone. So basically we’re trying to self-medicate with food, and can you blame us?!
“After 2 glasses of red wine, Cheetos dipped in sour cream & squeezing Ghirardelli caramel sauce into my mouth, I realized AF is due any day now. God I love PMS cravings. What? The Cheetos were baked.”
“In just a few hrs, I’ve eaten half a can of Pringles, 2 handfuls of Doritos, small bowl of dark choc m&m’s, & 4 cookies worth of choc chip cookie dough. Damn u PMS cravings. As if cramps weren’t enough, now: upset stomach.”
“Well my period must be coming. i ate like 4 breakfasts.”
When we stuff our faces, it has to come out the other end eventually. And dammit, even that part is jacked up during that time of the month.
What is it about shedding the uterine lining that makes poop join the party?! Oh yeah — little things called prostaglandins. They’re a hormone-like substance that makes the uterus contract, but they also have an effect on the bowels as well, which is why period poop is the literal worst.
“Period poops are disgusting, bring on menopause.”
“The period farts and shits are really outdoing themselves lately. I feel like an overinflated balloon – someone just poke my intestines with a pin already!!!”
“I get constipated and the WORST smelling farts the week before my period. Every month. Like bleeding & cramps weren’t enough. They are constant too. I won’t go out some days because of it. Not sure if this can be fixed.”
And if raging bowels weren’t enough, sometimes this happens:
“My tampon usually shoots out when I poop. Only recently I learned that this does not happen to everyone.”
… But unfortunately, this phenomenon isn’t limited to the times when we’re conveniently located on a toilet.
“Tried to do sit ups today during a heavy period day and launched my tampon.”
“Totally just sneezed and my tampon came out. Wtf. First time for ever.”
Between the cramps and the poops and the drained feeling and the general ickiness of the whole situation, is it any wonder we just wish we could stay in bed for a few days?
I have really bad cramps. I just want to be a 12 yo again and stay in bed, curled up w a hot pad. Fuck parenting and wife-ing.
I wish someone would have told me that periods get so much worse after 40 if you’ve had kids. Everything about mine is awful and it lasts longer now too. Ugh.
Not only do we have to suffer through all of this every single month, we have to worry about suffering from embarrassment too. Like, WTF.
“Dressed up, went out, felt good about myself for the 1st time in a long time. Went to the bathroom and period had leaked all over!!! Thankfully I was wearing nylons and a black dress so nobody could see. Thanks Mother Nature for keeping my ego in check…”
I was laying in bed wearing granny panties and my husband pulled the “thread” that he thought was hanging off my underwear. It was my tampon string….
“A big, disgusting, jelly-like period blob slid down my leg and emerged from the bottom of my pants when the pedicure lady rolled my pantleg. Humiliated!!!!!!!!!!!”
White chairs in office suck. Replace them with black chairs. Signed, woman with heavy period.
But despite all of that — despite every craptastic, cramp-tastic thing we go through for a week or more — we still keep showing up and getting things accomplished like the bosses that we are.
The men in my department call in sick for the sniffles. Us girls on the other hand, come in bleeding like a butchered pigs with killer cramps. And we get our shit done. Stupid wimpy men.
Because if you think about it, anybody who can make it through the hell that is PMS and periods and keep on doing it month after month for life is a total badass.