I've Got 8 Reasons Why Periods Are Complete Bullsh*t

Periods are bullshit.

I have managed to dodge this bitch for the last two years and suddenly (thanks to the dwindling nursing relationship with my youngest), the dreaded Aunt Flo has decided it’s time to return.

And ooohhh, she is mad girl!

I did not miss this thing. I think I’d nurse a baby forever if I could avoid periods for the rest of my life. Just give me all the babies, and I will nurse them.

It’s not enough that we women have to deal with all the pains and difficulties of pregnancy, childbirth, and in many cases, the bulk of all responsibility for keeping humans alive in the early months and years.

But then, after giving over our bodies to these little humans we created, the thanks we get is a crampy, bloated belly which feels like an 18-wheeler is plowing through it, and the risk of bleeding through our pants at any given moment for several days. It just doesn’t seem fair.

There are so many things wrong with this bleeding situation. For instance…

1. I want to eat ALL THE THINGS, ALL the time.

I try really hard to maintain a decent body these days. I really don’t appreciate this need in my brain to eat constantly and crave everything in sight. Just give me the chocolate and the wine, and no one gets hurt!

2. The Bleeding. Duh.

I mean, of all things, why does it need to be that our insides molt out of our already overworked vaginas? God really could’ve been a little nicer to us in this area. It looks like shark week gone bad over here.

3. The Tampons

My gosh, the damn tampons. Those cutesy little commercials of girls diving into pools happy, joyous, and free because they decided to shove Kotex up their vajayjay to stop the blood massacre in between their legs…inaccurate my friends. Completely inaccurate.

4. The Poop

I like pooping as much as the next girl, because let’s face it, that’s an issue for a lot of us. But I’ve had enough. I’m about done with never knowing if the pain in my stomach is my uterus trying to fall out or the need to poop. Between that confusion and the tampon trying to eject itself as soon my butt meets the toilet, it’s really just enough.

5. The Moods

I’m out of control. I can’t even stand to be with me. I need a break from myself this week. It’s completely ridiculous. One second I want to cry because, oh, I don’t know, we’re out of bananas, and the next minute I’m ready to punch everyone in the throat.

6. The Extra Luggage

Because I’ve gotten out of the habit of losing my insides to the toilet each time I pee, I continually forget to bring supplies with me into the bathroom. This is costing me lots of extra time and brain space to have to keep going back to wherever I left everything to get the freakin’ tampon because god forbid I am able to pee once without needing to change it. I do not have the patience for all this mess.

7. The Clothing

Nothing fits how I want it to. And even if it does, I freaking hate it because I’m mad at everything this week.

8. The Explanation of What’s Happening to My Kids

Most moms do not get the luxury of peeing alone, as we all know. I’m mostly okay with that, but when I have to shove a tampon up my nether regions and answer 20 questions in the process, explaining to my son that, “No, I’m not putting the tampon in my penis, sweet pea, because mommy is a girl and she doesn’t have a penis. She has a vagina,” it’s simply too much.

I don’t appreciate the pregnant-looking belly, the stained underwear, the headaches, the body aches, or even life at this point. The period can exit stage left now. Over it.