Portraits of a Mother

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

It seems I’m not the only one whose child has ever presented her with a less than flattering portrait. I mean, seriously, it’s a wonder we mothers have any shred of self-confidence left at all with what these children put us through…

I drove my mommy straight to the insane asylum! What have you done today?

It’s bad enough that we feel like cattle when breastfeeding. Apparently, we look like them too.

Pssst… Your tits are hanging out of your shirt. And, they’re a tad lopsided.

No, mommy didn’t just preform a blow-job on daddy, silly. She’s just hurling into the toilet. Phew!


I guess if I looked like this, I’d be crying as well.

So what if they give me zits? I’ll eat muffins if I want to, dammit!.

It’s a transvestite! It’s a cat! It’s MOM!.

Of course mommy is angry. Daddy is sleeping in the corner. Again.

Caleb: You are a very wise young man. Can you lend mom a hand with the wine?


Hey, mommy: No offense, but it might be time for that bikini wax..

Shut up, sweetheart. You’re the reason mommy drinks in the first place.


It’s not a Toomah! You don’t need to look so scared of it!


This article was originally published on