Portraits of a Mother

It seems I’m not the only one whose child has ever presented her with a less than flattering portrait. I mean, seriously, it’s a wonder we mothers have any shred of self-confidence left at all with what these children put us through…

 I drove my mommy straight to the insane asylum! What have you done today?

It’s bad enough that we feel like cattle when breastfeeding. Apparently, we look like them too.

Pssst… Your tits are hanging out of your shirt. And, they’re a tad lopsided.

No, mommy didn’t just preform a blow-job on daddy, silly. She’s just hurling into the toilet. Phew!

 .

I guess if I looked like this, I’d be crying as well.

So what if they give me zits? I’ll eat muffins if I want to, dammit!.

It’s a transvestite! It’s a cat! It’s MOM!.

Of course mommy is angry. Daddy is sleeping in the corner. Again.

Caleb: You are a very wise young man. Can you lend mom a hand with the wine?

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Hey, mommy: No offense, but it might be time for that bikini wax..

Shut up, sweetheart. You’re the reason mommy drinks in the first place. 

.

It’s not a Toomah! You don’t need to look so scared of it!

..

About the writer

The Scary Mommy Community is bound by humor, humility and an understanding that we can love our children to death... yet still need to vent about them.

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tera 1 year ago

I have not laughed sooo hard in a long time. Can’t wait till my son does one

kompletter Bericht 2 years ago

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kaybaby 2 years ago

this is absolutely rib cracking.. rotfl
d worst is def the toilet puking.. lmao

Katie Hoffman 2 years ago

Dying of laughter :)

Jocelyne Miller 2 years ago

Oh My God! don't look at this with food in your mouth. Trust me..

Kara Z-Kaefring 2 years ago

oh man. this one had me rolling. :)

Lorettalikes 2 years ago

Best laugh in a while… loved it

Maria 2 years ago

Hysterical! !!!, Mommy giving Dad a BJ, aka throwing up,had me rolling, had to share on FB..share the laughter.

Becki 3 years ago

I saw the site on Steve Harvey just now!
These make me want to dig out some of my sons old drawings!

Molly 3 years ago

Dying reading these at work!!! People might think I am seizing or something! So great!!!

Becca C. 3 years ago

These are hilarious!

Liz 3 years ago

The bikini wax comment is my fave. Hilarious! And now I’m terrified to see what my now-6mos-old comes up with in a few years. Hold me.

Julie 3 years ago

I guess I am alone when I say these are really sad- Children don’t have a filter- what you see is what is true

Meg 3 years ago

I love the “Got Wine” portrait! Classic.

elena 3 years ago

Loved these! I have collected kids art over the years (was a teacher) and have always enjoyed their interpretations. When I was very young I made a card for my Mom that said; “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you, but….the roses are wilted, the violets are dead, sugar is lumpy and so is your head”. I don’t remember getting sent to my room so guess my innocence was taken into consideration.

adrian 3 years ago

the pictures are pretty funny. but why are your captions so crude. little children drew these with the best intentions. and you put them up not to showcase their innocence but to make fun and criticize them.

cindy 3 years ago

Love this! Soooo funny! Would love to see more…

Jill of PJgamers 3 years ago

oh man, that’s hilarious! My boy always adds guns and bombs and blood to every picture…but I get flowers, too…..flowers with guns!! (Now he’s got his sister drawing flowers with bombs, too. /sigh)…atleast they always draw me with a smile 😉

The Mommy Psychologist 3 years ago

This is absolutely the funniest thing that I have read on a blog in along time, maybe ever. I almost spit my coffee out all over my lap top with the blowjob/puke drawing! This is one post that needs to go viral for all the world to see and appreciate!

Guinnessgirl 3 years ago

Am sitting in bed with a rotten cold, feeling really sorry for myself, and this post just made me laugh so hard I actually feel a little better 😀 soooo funny! Can’t wait til my son is old enough to draw me :-)

Tim Jordan 3 years ago

Hahahaha.

Omg that was funny

Old School/New School Mom 3 years ago

Ha ha! The got wine one is priceless! Love it. I can’t wait to see what picture Ari draws of me!

Amy 3 years ago

The blow-job was the funniest! Well done kid, well done.

Cassie 3 years ago

I love the one with the angry mom and the sleeping dad. If that’s not normal, I don’t know what is.

heather 3 years ago

those are so funny! i have a couple of those, too.

Lu 3 years ago

Very funny! The first hand written note I got from my son was “mean mommy” and he had to ask me how to spell it! Hahaha, he was unhappy with me because I wouldn’t let him do something.

Tracy Larson 3 years ago

This is hilarious! I always like the hair I have when drawn by my six year old…

Kami 3 years ago

I am with Elaine, I started laughing at the penis one, then couldn’t stop. My son came in to see what was so funny!

Elaine 3 years ago

Oh my GOSH, the penis, I mean toilet one!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

neffi 3 years ago

seriously I have seen some bitches looking that ugly

Vanessa 3 years ago

This is so true and I have to always remind myself it’s not how he really sees you. He actually loves you and is showing it by drawing this horrific picture of you! lol.

Jack 3 years ago

I just saw a picture of one of my exes there and almost died. It was pretty damn close to reality. You scoff and I assure you that she used to..

Denise Malloy 3 years ago

I guess we all have that gallery somewhere in the basement. Kinda makes me want to pull them all out. . . then again, maybe not. My middle-aged self-esteem couldn’t take it.

Dena 3 years ago

Hysterical!! Thanks, I needed that!

Marta 3 years ago

Lol I absolutely love it. What horrendous (yet loving) renditions. My son’s drawings of me always make me look like a spider, but spiders are his favorite thing so I guess I should be flattered?

Galit Breen 3 years ago

OMG. Dying at these! DYING! xo

Miss Kiena Dior 3 years ago

I am a a trans and I don’t find this insulting at all! I think Jen is just trying to be too politically correct. Freaking hilarious!

Kiran@Masala Chica 3 years ago

I feel so much better looking through these and seeing the documented images of lopsided breasts, facial hair gone awry and copious amounts of wine.

I am not alone. Thank god.

Nuts about food 3 years ago

This is the funniest post I have seen in a long time!

Kathy at kissing the frog 3 years ago

Okay, THANK YOU for explaining that penis one. I never would have got that she was supposed to be puking in the toilet. These are hilarious. Now I’m sad my boys never draw pictures of me.

Sue 3 years ago

Thanks for making me pee my pants (which isn’t hard these days since I pee when a walk these days! Damn Kids!) Your comments made those hilarious pictures even more hilarious! Love the site!

Jamie 3 years ago

I am dying in tears laughing.

Crazy Lady 3 years ago

Thanks for posting this…I haven’t truly lol’d in a while – and you got me twice! Love the psst and wax comments!

June O’Hara 3 years ago

I cracked up at this. At six or so, my sister made a cookbook for my mother and spelled waffle as “wfl.” She also once signed her birthday card to my mother, Maureen O’Hara. But compared to these, that’s nothing!

Mercy 3 years ago

I should ask my kids to draw me now and see what they come up with.

Shefali 3 years ago

This is your best post! Ever!

becky 3 years ago

thank you! This made my day

Madeleine 3 years ago

Magnificent! We haven’t really got to the stage where my daughter’s drawings are actually very different depending on who she is drawing (barring the odd beard for a male and crown for a queen/princess/king) but I look forward to it.

Scarlet 3 years ago

Apparently at 4. My daughter drew me with about a dozen toes on each foot and as many fingers on each hand. And now I get the corkscrew hair that my mom hated so much when I drew her!

cheryl 3 years ago

I just sat down and looked at these and was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. My husband asked what I was laughing at and I couldn’t talk. He said, you know, I probably won’t think it’s funny. Too bad – – I’ll read them again in a while and laugh all over again. Thanks for the rush.

Kristen Brakeman 3 years ago

Love how the kids all know how mommy likes her wine. Mine do too! My post prized drawing if of our family and I’m doing all this work, meanwhile Daddy is “playing on the computer.” So accurate!

starladear 3 years ago

Best laugh I had all day. Mine is 13, shudder to think how she’d draw me. Whatever visage she conjured up, it’d probably be captioned “Ratchet”. LOL

Laura 3 years ago

OMG, these kill me! HILARIOUS!

Motherhood on the Rocks 3 years ago

Hilarious! I so needed this laugh today! Thank you!

Holly from 300 Pounds Down 3 years ago

HAHAHA Oh my gosh!!! The artwork, the comments, the interpretation…spewing coffee!

Kim 3 years ago

Can.barely.breathe. Love these!!!!!

Kelly 3 years ago

So at what age can I expect the artistic flattery to begin?

Jamie 3 years ago

The best post ever!!

The Sadder But Wiser Girl 3 years ago

OMG! I so needed this today! Thank you thank you thank you!

Lollie ~ The Fortuitous Housewife 3 years ago

Shivering & snuffling on the couch (damn kids gave me a cold, again), sipping Bengal Spice tea to sooth my scratchy throat…

FYI, hot Bengal Spice tea doesn’t feel so great shooting out one’s drippy nose.

But thanks for the much-needed giggles!

Christine @ Love, Life, Surf 3 years ago

OMG Loved this. Glad I put down my cup of coffee first! The portraits are the best. Seriously. I love the one where Mommy is angry and Daddy is sleeping. LOL.

Jenn W 3 years ago

I am doubled over laughing at these! I had tears running down my face by the time I made it to the transvestite cat mom and had to close the computer until I composed myself. Freaking priceless!

Jeni Kramer 3 years ago

Simply amazing. Did an actual spit-take at #4.

anna see 3 years ago

This is awesome! Searching my blog b/c I know there’s a classic one on there somewhere!

Sarah at Julia’s Child 3 years ago

Oh. My. God. The puking one is hysterical.
My 9yo can finally draw, so what does he do? He takes up caricature. So now every drawing of me looks like a trashy superhero.

Rachael 3 years ago

EPIC.

Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) 3 years ago

Scadenfreude. Love it. I now feel better about my own daughter’s drawings of me, even if she does draw them, as she says, “with no wrinkles even though you have lots.”

Thanks for a Friday laugh, Jill!

Keely 3 years ago

Book. Please. Mothers Day soon!!!
Still laughing. Moo-mom.

Lori 3 years ago

Loved this! Too funny. And I agree about the coffee table book.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

I had no idea! Crap.

Jen 3 years ago

This is hilarious! I can definitely relate. Just a bit of feedback that the word tranny is considered very insulting to trans people, and it bummed me out to see it in an otherwise hilarious blog post!

Kristin Wheeler (Mama Luvs Books) 3 years ago

Those are SOOOO funny!

asheisele 3 years ago

Please never post things like this again. I try to read my blogs quietly at work & had to fake a coughing fit to cover my laughter. Jesus. H. Christ.

Jenn 3 years ago

OMG I am crying from laughing so hard. I probably look like #5!! lol

Amanda 3 years ago

I love the tranny cat mom! Hilarious! If there’s ever a time to be thankful that my boys don’t draw, it’s now!

lesbomom 3 years ago

OH MY! That was great. Puking in the toilet – SO PRICELESS!!! Oh, and tranny cat mom! LOVE!!!

Stephanie 3 years ago

Oh, dear lord. I laughed so hard I started coughing! Damned dry air! Oh god, this is HILARIOUS.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

Can’t…stop…laughing…

Alison 3 years ago

Awesome! I can’t wait til my boys can draw. I hope they’re kinder than those children up there :)

Arnebya 3 years ago

I’m with Crystal; a book of these with snarky, hilarious captions? Perfect. (Also, my kid drew me as a tree with one arm).

Crystal 3 years ago

HA HA HA! OMG! Animated kid’s drawings… That could be a whole coffee table book! :)

Lynn Kellan 3 years ago

Hilarious! I shudder to think how my kids would draw me…

Gigi 3 years ago

I almost lost a mouthful of coffee – those are priceless!

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

I just picked my daughter up at 2 am from the new Twilight movie and I’m crying from laughter in the middle of the night. The blow-job, puking one is hilarious. Too bad no ones awake for me to share this!