Exclusive: Lyz's Post Baby Body Revealed!

by Lyz Lenz
Originally Published: 

Lyz Lenz wowed everyone with her post baby body when she finally went shopping for milk for the first time in 10 weeks. The second-time mom looked like a walking advertisement for taking your birth control as she got into her car while drinking all the coffee and spilled some on her pants. But like a pro, the classy mom licked the spot off her thigh. Then, she proceeded to curse as she sniffed a mysterious rank, wet -poop smell.

Only two months after having her second baby, Lyz Lenz looked like a people of Wal-Mart in her pajama jeans and a large, button-up shirt that only had one vomit stain on it. A rep for Ms Lenz said that she hasn’t been doing anything special to look like she was ready to give birth only 10 weeks after actually doing so. “All Lyz does these days is weep in the basement and stress-eat chicken nuggets. She also guzzles three to five cups of coffee a day.”

A friend of the deluded blogger noted, “Yeah, she’s kind of worried about what the caffeine is doing to her breast milk, but she’s actually more worried what she will do to her kids if she doesn’t drink coffee.”

We spoke to a fitness expert who has never eaten a piece of cake in her life, who noted. “The key to Lyz’s post-baby body is that she gained so much weight before the baby was born, by binge-eating those soft sugar cookies from Target and sitting on the couch and watching episodes of The Shield and Breaking Bad.”

“I mean, I know breast feeding helps you burn extra calories,” the fitness expert added, “but not that many. Put down the Whopper and walk away, Lenz!”

Another key to getting a body like Lyz is that she’s been repeatedly cleaning poop out of the underwear of her toddler who’s completely regressed with potty training. After each clean, Lyz sneaks into the kitchen and eats five mini Snickers, because poop.

But sadly, for anyone looking to replicate Lyz’s success, the real secret is her genetic make up. Lyz is from hearty German and Polish stock. You can take the kielbasa away from the girl, but you can’t get the girl away from the kielbasa.

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