Maybe it’s the hormones or sweet-smelling top of her tiny baby head, but as a newborn mom, I’m already plotting how I can pop out another one of these pink-faced, soft-cheeked gems.
Friends have told me that the bittersweet period of newborn life is when they want nothing to do with another child. They know immediately they don’t want more kids or can’t imagine doing this sleepless night, milk-leaking, weight gain thing all over again.
I even have an Internet search record from the first time I did this. Four days after my son was born (and 11 days before his actual due date), I was already plotting how and when I might be able to get pregnant again soon, checking our fertility sites and Googling around about if other Moms had these kind of crazy post-partum thoughts.
Sitting here now, three weeks into kid #2 (who did not, in fact, come until a good two years after her brother), I already hear myself thinking about a potential third child. I’ve never considered having three children, but all of the sudden, it sounds like a fantastic idea. They do say you’re a bit insane for like a year after giving birth, right?
After another fairly non-stress pregnancy and this beautiful newborn in my arms most of the day, I already know the day is coming when she too will be too big to rock to sleep and carry on my chest. I try to live in the moment but the reality of time is always in the back of my mind. Before every corner of your house becomes a safety hazard or they turn into toddler terrors, they are fresh, newborn perfection for just that little bit of life.
My baby mama chemicals are surging right now, as I think #TBT to three weeks ago when I was still feeling my girl and those glorious third trimester kicks. As a second-time mom, I’m all too aware of how fast this phase goes, as I glance back at early photos of my toddler, whom we’ve now nicknamed “the little monster” for his steady stream of home destruction.
Plus, pregnancy longing is a powerful thing. I felt it before I was ever pregnant and even more so when I was hoping to be blessed to experience pregnancy again. God knows it will hit me a few months or years down the road from now – and the desire for another baby will really go into overdrive.
Even that Lego-throwing, yogurt-smearing, sticky-fingered toddler brings back the early day feels when he sits on my lap for snuggles in the morning. They say the high you get from childbirth is unmatched and I believe that same high extends beyond those beginning moments – like when your baby is on your chest or by your side in the days, weeks, months and even years after birth
This morning, as I sat on the couch with my newborn in one arm and my toddler squished as close me as humanly possible on other side, I felt a buzz of happiness in comparable to any other. It was as if all the world was right, with my babies physically attached to my body, right where they first started life. And when you get that feeling – warm, happy, content, perfect – you can’t imagine not wanting to replicate it again and again.
It’s no wonder when seasoned moms hold my new baby now, they tell me “this is dangerous” with a small smile, as they remember how strong those new momma feelings really are. How many kids are around today thanks to such “dangerous” feelings welling up in side many a momma?
The urge to mother is stronger than nearly anything else for many women. Though it requires giving our everything to these little people, it’s hard to resist the calling instilled in our hearts to do just that. That’s why infertility – first or secondary — is so devastating. We were made for this.
Even 10 or 20 years down the road, I’m quite sure I’ll hug my big babies or hold someone’s newborn and recall that sweet desire for growing life in my body. I’ll think wistfully about smelling those whispy-haired, soft-skulled, puckered-lipped bundles and confirm once again that I have been infinitely blessed by the ones I got to hold, love and mother in those first beautiful days.