Men may not get to take part in the miracle of childbirth, but don’t feel bad, guys. There are some pregnancy perks for you, too!
We’re a few months into life with two kids, and it’s pretty much going according to plan. Basically, we’re exhausted. But we have a cute little baby around who occasionally eases the pain. In fact, despite the exhaustion and the stress and the problematic logistics that come with adjusting to life with a newborn, my wife is thrilled to no longer be pregnant. She didn’t love round two.
I’m glad she’s feeling better. But I actually kind of miss it, especially since we now have two kids and from where I stand that’s a hell of a lot harder than one and a half.
I hate to say it, but while my wife was uncomfortable and nauseous and tired and…bigger-boned(?) than usual, I was living high on the hog because there are a lot of fun perks to living with a pregnant chick (there are some downsides, too, but I’m already on thin ice here so let’s save those for another time). In fact, there were almost enough pregnancy perks to make a guy want another kid, and I honestly can’t believe I was able to finish that sentence without breaking my own fingers.
I’ve written down a few of the things that made the months leading up to the birth of my son bearable for me, and not a single one of them includes the fact that I didn’t have a newborn waking me up in the middle of the night every single night for the past two months and the foreseeable future.
Here are six pregnancy perks for guys:
1. Junk Food
Jesus, the junk food. Far be it from me to deprive my wife of the snacks she craved during her nine months of sobriety. With all the chocolate and chips we had stocking the cupboards, it was like being in college again!
2. Boys’ Nights!
Hefting a fetus around for nine months is tiring. And it takes a toll on your body. Add that to the fact that pregnant women can’t drink, and there were many nights when my wife just wanted to stay in. And while I love a good Netflix and Chill as much—if not more than—the next guy, with her at home already, I got a few extra opportunities to go out with some friends. Opportunities that will be few and far between for the next few months/years.
You won’t believe the money we saved by not buying bottles of vodka and wine! And when only one person gets a drink with dinner? The bill is cut in half! (Also: DESIGNATED DRIVER.)
4. Lazy Days
Speaking of Netflix and Chill, my wife is typically loathe to sit around. Save for the rare rainy Sunday, she likes to have a plan and do things. It’s super annoying. But during pregnancy, constant activity is much harder. “Oh, your back hurts? I’m sorry, honey. Sure, we can lie in bed and watch Netflix.” Score!
5. Sympathy Weight
Why do I have a belly? I’m supporting my wife! I’m a feminist! Now pass me another beer.
Yes, sometimes these rear their head in scary ways. One afternoon, my wife went from laughing hysterically to crying hysterically to eating a bucket of ice cream hysterically in the span of 13 seconds. But sometimes those same hormones made her horny. And despite what Yahoo Answers might tell you, women can’t get double-pregnant. Boom.
See? We men may not be able to experience the transcendent joy of carrying a human life inside of us or having the special biological and physiological bond that women have with their offspring. But we can get fat out of solidarity, drunk without worry, and lazy without guilt! So I think we get a pretty good deal. If only there weren’t the whole pesky newborn to care for at the end of it all!
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