Am I Pregnant Or Was It Just Bad Chicken?

by Liz Curtis Faria
Originally Published: 
A woman leaning over a toilet seat who doesn't know if she is pregnant or if it was just bad food

I threw up on Friday, out of left field. That afternoon I was having cramps and I needed a nap. Like really needed a nap. I cancelled my plans to go out, and then I got this text from my friend:

“Maybe you’re pregnant! Or ate undercooked chicken. Fine line between pregnancy and salmonella poisoning.”

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YES. There is a VERY fine line between the two, which isn’t really convenient, now is it?

As someone who is trying to get pregnant AND who eats a lot of foods of questionable sanitation (I’m looking at you, mall food court), it makes me wonder WTF Mother Nature was thinking when she designed this whole shebang anyway. It’s almost like Mother Nature thinks she’s a comedian or something. And just to add a layer of screw you to the situation, somebody thought it would be a neat joke to make the symptoms of PMS basically the same, too. Hysterical!

Mother Nature, listen: You were capable of designing the butterfly. Now THAT is a beautiful creature right there. Intricate artwork on a delicate frame. Amazing symmetry and color. Bravo!

Now, you’re telling me that you could work THAT out but you couldn’t make clearer the differences between the start of life, the consumption of bad chicken, and PMS? Really?

3 Minutes In My Brain:

I feel bloated. These jeans are TIGHT. I’m probably pregnant!

Oh wait no, I just have to go to the bathroom. Also these are size 4 and who am I kidding? That’s better. Not pregnant. Definitely no.

Why am I crying at this commercial?? So hormonal! Definitely pregnant. But that really was a good commercial. Anyone would cry at that commercial, right?

But damn these cramps do NOT feel regular. This is NOT what my period usually feels like. Or is it? Actually I can’t even remember what my period is supposed to feel like. But I know for SURE I don’t usually pee this often.

Except when I drink juice. Yeah this always happens when I drink juice so it could be that.

But between the peeing and the sore boobs I am definitely pregnant. Unless my bra is too tight, because that plus the juice could do it too.

But it doesn’t account for this sensitivity to smell I’m having. Man I smell EVERYTHING! Sure my husband is eating garlic bread so that does smell strong but never THIS strong. Nobody’s nose is this sensitive. Also I can’t believe how queasy I am! Such a good sign!

Unless it’s not, which it’s probably not because that cheese I had for lunch was expired.

Since being user-friendly doesn’t seem to be one of Mother Nature’s priorities, I’ve drafted up a handy reference sheet to help us decode whether we’re pregnant, have food poisoning, or are getting our periods.

Handy Reference Sheet

• Cramps may occur in implantation and PMS and food poisoning.

• Bleeding may occur with either implantation or PMS.

• Vomiting is a sign of pregnancy and food poisoning.

• Constipation can be a sign of pregnancy or of eating too many steak subs.

• During both early pregnancy and plain old PMS your breasts may feel more tender than usual.

• An elevated body temperature can be a sign of food poisoning or ovulation.

• Exhaustion can be a sign that you’re sick or pregnant or that you have a toddler or that you stayed up too late watching Scandal.

• Sore breasts can be a sign of pregnancy or they can be a sign that you’ve been manhandling your chest for days as you try to determine if your breasts are sore (which you are obviously trying to determine because that is a clue that you’re pregnant).

I hope that helped.

Now get it together, Mother Nature. You’re confusing us (although again, your work with butterflies was spectacular).

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