10 Pro-Level Skills Moms Of Boys Possess

As the mom of a houseful of male children, I can’t pretend I’ve never imagined what it would be like to raise a daughter. But even though I have zero real-life experience in that arena, I have a sneaking suspicion I’d kinda suck. I was destined to be a boy mom. As such, I have developed a very useful skill set — at least where raising a brood of dudes is concerned. Because there’s no one better than an experienced mother of males to call on when it comes to things like…

Keeping cool in the midst of chaos (or just straight-up ignoring it)

Either way, we’re impressively unfazed by flying leaps from questionable heights, impromptu wrestling matches in the middle of the living room, kids climbing or hanging or swinging from anything climbable or hangable or swingable, footballs flying by in close enough proximity to ruffle our hair. I can’t count the number of times that houseguests have 1) gasped in horror about something I didn’t even notice, or 2) commented that they don’t know how this doesn’t drive me crazy. I just shrug, because when you live in a testosterone-driven world, you get used to such things. And as a result, you also become fantastic at…

Handling drippy wounds like a champ

My first question when something does catch my attention: “Is there blood?” — because with all the rough and tumble action going on around here, that’s a valid question. Busted lips, busted heads, bloody noses, they’re all par for the course. Any boy mom will have a stash of medical supplies large enough to rival any emergency room and is able to swiftly determine an injury’s severity and the best way to treat it, all without batting an eye (and we administer treatment along with a healthy dose of admonition: “Well, don’t stand so close next time your brother is practicing flying leap-kicks.”). It’s all thanks to our next pro-level skill…

Having stomachs of steel

Moms of either gender are forced to develop this one, from the first time their newborn has a diaper blowout. But moms of boys have a bit of a leg up in this category, because let’s face it: Boys are gross. In almost 12 years of raising them, I have come across all sorts of nasty surprises, like a nursery finger-painted with poop, water gun full of rancid pee in the corner of their closet, a cache of dried boogers wiped in an inconspicuous spot on the wall, a pocketful of worms. I could go on, but you’re probably getting queasy by now. Point is, we develop an ability to take even the grossest messes in stride. In fact, you won’t find anybody better at…

Searching out and eliminating pee smells

I will never comprehend why boys pee every-damn-where but in the toilet, since nature made it ridiculously easy for them to actually aim. But apparently the thing sprays like a hose, because urine ends up in places where pee should never be. Can’t figure out why you’ve used all the disinfectant, but your bathroom still smells like a gas station urinal? Call a boy mom. We’ll show you nooks and crannies you didn’t even know pee could land in. Which makes us really, really excellent at…

Scrubbing toilets

When you have to do something on a regular basis for years — and trust me, we can’t get away with the bare minimum — you become adept at that task. We clean the commode with the expertise of a professional janitor, thoroughly and quickly (Go ahead, time me. It’ll be so clean you could eat off of it before you can say, “But that’s gross!”). We need to save time, in order to hone our next necessary skill…

Making MacGyver-style repairs around the house

“Ingenuity” is a boy mom’s middle name, because having boys is like having playful, clumsy, pouncing puppies — only bigger and more destructive. So, like…horse-puppies (let’s pretend such a thing exists). Anyway, stuff gets broken on the regular, and we can do one of two things in response: curl into a corner and cry that we can never have nice things, or learn to make repairs using things like duct tape, maxi pads, and the prongs of plastic forks. We’re also pretty much geniuses when it comes to…

Removing stains

With boys come messes, lots and lots of messes, like when “playing in the puddles” turns into your son showing up at the door with only the whites of his eyes visible through the layers of mud. Or when they forget to change out of their school jeans before playing tackle football with the neighbor kids. Or when the aforementioned bloody injuries occur. Or when they decide to “personalize” their Xbox remotes with your nail polish. Inside any boy mom’s head is a handy chart of remedies for removing anything from, well, anything. But we also know that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which is why you should also seek out a male’s mama if you want advice on…

Picking out durable clothes

Boys have a penchant for absolute annihilation of clothing, especially in the knees. The wardrobe of an active boy has a short shelf life, so we quickly learn which brands and styles hold up to the routine torture. And while we’re on the subject of letting things rip, boy moms are better than anyone you know (except maybe the boys themselves) at…

Telling fart jokes

Trying to distract your son while you bandage him up? Tell him a fart joke. He had a bad day at school? Tell him a fart joke. Boy moms have an arsenal of ‘em, because fart jokes are boys’ love language (for the older ones, see also: a well-timed exclamation of “deez nuts!”). This little tidbit of knowledge helps when it comes to our last pro skill…

Understanding male problems

We know one thing above all: Boys have big, soft, easily breakable hearts. They might not openly let it show, or may articulate their feelings differently, so boy moms develop a keen eye for spotting even the things their sons don’t say. When that happens, we’re a soft place to land: adaptable enough to understand the male perspective, yet still offer up some female perspective as well. And then wrapping it up with some toilet humor, because we’ll do anything to see them laugh.

Mothering boys is not for the faint of heart. It’s grit and grace and gray hairs. It’s teaching them the value of women while instilling the values of a strong man.

And, of course, fart jokes. Always fart jokes.