You’re Not Going To Care What Your Pubes Look Like While You’re In Labor

If you are about to go into labor and have spent any time at all stressing out over the landscaping of your lady garden, let me give you some advice I once heard from a certain princess in a certain magical ice castle…

Let it go.

Not in the literal sense. I’m not suggesting you drag your nine months pregnant body into the salon to get a brazilian. I mean, if you want to — more power to you — but it’s really not necessary, for a laundry list of reasons.

1. You have absolutely no idea what’s going on down there.

Out of sight, out of mind has never been as apropos as it is right now. I made the mistake of asking my husband if I should do some maintenance down there days before my due date. It went sort of like this:

Me: I think I may need to shave down there before I have this baby.

Him: Oh, YEAH.

Me: Why are so saying it like that? Is it a nightmare down there? What’s the damage?

This story ends with me allowing my husband to take his hair clippers to my pubes. Actually, it ends with the OR nurses laughing uncontrollably when I noticed the looks on their faces after they gazed upon my newly coiffed pubes and I said, “He did it.” Let this be a cautionary tale to you. Out of sight, out of mind.

2. It will be the last thing on your mind. Really.

You’re probably only worrying about this if it’s your first birth. If you’ve ever been through childbirth you know that after enduring a parade of people walking into your room sticking their hands up your vagina, or a crew of OR doctors literally pulling your innards out of your body, you tend to forget about things like stray pubic hairs.

3. You’ll be doing many things, none of which include focusing on your pubes.

You’ll be in a paper gown with no underwear on, possibly swearing at your husband for daring to eat a Snickers in front of you. You may be begging for a ginger ale. You may be cursing your MIL who keeps calling to ask if you’re sure she can’t have a front row seat to the birth of “her baby.” You will definitely not be asking, “how does my bikini line look?”

4. Waxing fucking hurts.

Maybe you’ve waxed your bikini line so many times and it really doesn’t bother you. But don’t forget that your blood volume increases during pregnancy and hormonal changes cause you to develop more sensitive, expanded blood vessels. What used to be a walk-in-the-park may actually be painful. Voluntarily adding any level of discomfort to your last days of pregnancy just seems… WHY?

5. But it makes postpartum maintenance easier, right?

HAHAHA. No. It’s a horror show down there after childbirth, ladies. It’s okay, everything eventually goes back to normal and it stops looking like a slasher film every time you go to the bathroom. Unless you’ve got some Rapunzel-esque pube situation going on, it’s not really going to make much of a difference whether you’re properly trimmed or not.

Look, if maintaining your pubes to perfection is your thing and you refuse to let pregnancy stand in your way — go on with your bad self. But if you are stressing at all about the pubic hair situation — just stop.

Related post: Why I’ll Never Have Another Brazilian Again