A (mostly true) account of the second night of the Republican National Convention
Welcome to night two of the Republican National Convention!
We’re going to start with the roll call of states, which will officially nominate Donald Trump for president. To give you an idea of what this looks like, imagine the beginning of the Miss Universe pageant: each contestant comes out in a skimpy outfit that represents her country and says something like, “Bonjour from France, the land of pastries and moustache wax!” The roll call of states is the same idea, except that instead of nineteen-year-old pageant girls we get delegates who say things like: “Hello from Arkansas! We’re number one in rice production, and we cast our votes for Donald Trump!” Also, the delegates don’t wear nearly as many feathers.
Let’s get to the speakers!
–Dana White, President, UFC: Most of you are probably wondering why I’m here. I’m not a politician. I’m a fight promoter. So, maybe you do understand why I’m here.
[CNN fun fact ticker: Dana White fled to Las Vegas from Boston to avoid a run-in with Whitey Bulger, an Irish-American mob boss.]
–Governor Asa Hutchison: Ladies and gentlemen, I hail from the great state of Arkansas. You may have heard about our rice production. Hillary Clinton has experience making decisions that lead to bad results. She is responsible for: Benghazi, Egypt, Syria, Libya, ISIS, Russia, North Korea, and the second season of “True Detective.” We need Donald Trump.
–Leslie Rutledge, Arkansas Attorney General: Sometimes, Hillary Clinton speaks with a New York accent, sometimes with an Arkansas accent, but y’all, this is what a real Arkansas woman sounds like. [She spits her chew into a cup]. Hillary shouldn’t go to the White House, she should go to her own house and take Ruth Bader Ginsburg with her. Then Betty White should move in, and maybe Maggie Smith could take the guest room, and then everyone should get invited over for dinner because holy moly, what a party. Anyhoo, Hillary is a liar. Thank you!
[Andy Wist, founder of the Standard Waterproofing Company speaks next, but not a single network covers it. I know a few news anchors who are going to be sorry when the seas rise, the earth is flooded, and death takes us all.]
–Chris Cox, NRA: You need to protect yourself and your family. That’s what the second amendment is all about. Imagine a young mother at home with her baby when a three-time criminal knocks down her door. What is she going to do, call the police? Shouldn’t she be able to pull the handgun she has hidden under her baby’s crib and defend herself? Hillary will take away all your guns and leave you and your children to be murdered in your homes. Good night!
[MUSIC. GOLD. TRUMP TOWER. THE DONALD VIA BIG SCREEN.]
—Donald Trump: Good evening are you having fun? Melania and I had such a great time for the most part last night tonight has been great getting over the top and getting the nomination it was great it was something I’ll never forget. We’re going to win. We’re going to do a bunch of stuff and other stuff. See you Thursday.]
–Speaker Paul Ryan: Hi everyone. Well, this is really happening. At the next State of The Union, Obama won’t be there. But you’ll see me, wincing, right behind President Trump. Democracy is about choices. We Republicans have made our choice. Yup. We sure did. We made ourselves one hell of a choice. But it’s not Hillary so…I guess no one wins. Wait till you see the Democratic convention next week — a four-day infomercial of politically correct moralizing. “Don’t ban an entire religion! Give The Gays civil rights! Don’t call Mexicans rapists! Yadda Yadda Yadda.” No, thanks.
This is a contest of ideas, and when it comes to ideas, we win. I mean, think about Donald Trump’s ideas. He has terrific ideas, like making things great, winning , and making things really good. We want to unify this country. Let the other party divide us by groups — we will bring our country together as soon as we ban all Muslims.
[Sorry, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, but everyone has decided to go to commercial. No one curr.]
–Governor Chris Christie: Good evening. I’m here tonight not only as the Governor of New Jersey, but also as Donald Trump’s friend and dog walker for 14 years. But this isn’t just about Donald, this is also about talking all kinds of shit about Hillary.
[Crowd: LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!]
As a prosecutor, I’m going to present her case to you. I’ll be the lawyer, and you’ll be the rabid, blood-thirsty villagers. Ready?
She is at fault for Boko Haram, the kidnapping of girls in Nigeria. What do you guys say, is she guilty, or not guilty? [Crowd: GUILTY!] Let’s go to Syria. She wanted to marry Assad and have a million of his babies. On the count of having terrible taste in men, is she guilty or not guilty? [Crowd: GUILTY! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! BURN THE WITCH! JOE FLACCO IS AN ELITE QUARTERBACK!]
Giiiiiiiiirl, I can do this all night long. She is the worst human being ever to crawl across this Earth. She puts herself before America. She is incompetent. She is a liar. She hates rainbows. She thinks all dogs should be fixed so that there will be NO. MORE. PUPPIES.
[Crowd: KILL HER! Wait, are we not doing that? Sorry. We mean, LOCK HER UP!]
Let’s go get ’em! Good night!
–Tiffany Trump: Hi guys. It’s awesome to be here.
My dad draws out the talent and drive in his kids. I’ve kept my report cards, even from back in kindergarten, because I love to look at the little notes he left on them. Notes like, “Tiffany, you’re a loser,” and, “Tiffany, way to fail geometry. Maybe you could try next time.”
You know, when someone I loved died, my dad called me. It was really sweet.
I love my dad. God bless you, and thank you.
[Sorry, Kerry Woolard, General Manager of Trump Winery, looks like TV doesn’t want to hear about your wine. Come back when you’re in charge of the steaks and the water.]
–Donald Trump, Jr.: For my generation, this is the most important election of our lifetime. This election will determine the future of the world, and there’s no one I’d rather have in charge of the planet than my dad. When someone tells him something can’t be done, he makes it happen. When someone says something is impossible, he makes it possible. When someone says “no” to him, he says, “Go fuck yourself.” When my father says he can fix the country, he means it.
He’s just a regular guy. He doesn’t live in the executive suite — he hangs out with the construction guys, pouring sheetrock and hanging concrete, hammering screws and shoveling lumber. You know, like a normal, regular guy.
We want all Americans to have the same opportunities that we, the children of a billionaire, had. And the only man who can make that happen is my dad, Donald Trump.
–Dr. Ben Carson: I’m not politically correct. Here’s an example: Hillary Clinton’s mentor and role model was a man named Saul Alinsky, and he was a devil worshipper.
[Crowd: JEWWWWWWW sorry BOOOOOOOO.]
Do you want a president whose role model was a man who loved Lucifer and probably kept his grain in pyramids? No. Vote Trump.
[And we’re closing it out with Kimberlin Brown, a soap star, avocado grower, and interior designer. Good stuff. TWO MORE NIGHTS!]