Scary Momfinitions

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About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

From Around the Web

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Danielle 3 years ago

Hahaha….these are absolutely awesome!

Nicki (@NickiLynnM) 3 years ago

These are great! And all so very true!! :)

Medsy 3 years ago

How about mommytasking? It is like multitasking taken to a whole new level

MSP 3 years ago

I so have MSP! I call the kids bluff all the time on brushing their teeth so that they go and brush them. Mentioning how their teeth with rot if they dont wash them, also helps. :)

Michelle Saunderson 3 years ago

I love it. I can relate to all of these!

Nuts about food 3 years ago

And that is already a huge step in facing all the rest. I can’t complain either, to be honest. That is why I am still sane.

Kiran (Masala Chica) 3 years ago

I totally had to momflex when I read this. Hysterical. This was brilliant.

Pam 3 years ago

I feel for you, we had more than 10 sicks days in February. I am the master of cramming make up homework in on Saturday afternoon after sports. It does involve bribes I am ashamed to say.

Pam

Pam 3 years ago

Mom-s-peed- aka momspeed: The ability to pee, wipe and wash before someone knocks on the bathroom door.

a Book for My Daughter 3 years ago

This is BRILLIANT! I especially love “Momsonic Hearing”—besides knowing exactly what kid is coming down the hall, I can also guess what they want by how slow/fast they are walking. To add to that, I’ve always said how amazing my hearing has gotten since having kids—I can be watching a movie with the volume up rather hight, and I can still hear one of my kids calling me through their closed bedroom door. It’s like a 6th sense—I also wish I could turn it off sometimes. My kids know that I hear them no matter what, so they are REALLY lazy and just wait for me to come to them! Is there a word for that?

Heather 3 years ago

Mom-a-sauraus Rex. She emerges after that last straw…..

heather clark 3 years ago

Mommaperception– 5hat freaky moment in the grocery store that you realize you can I.d. Any baby within w months of age and why they are crying. And it never goes away.

Suzie 3 years ago

Oh I am a master of the mom flex manoeuvre! After 2 kids, I pee myself when I run the tap to wash dishes :(

Lollie @FortuitousHousewife 3 years ago

Mom Flex…you know your life has hit a new low when even your 4.5 & 6.5 year old know why Mom crossed her legs while standing at the stove stirring supper pot.

Mompiphany…a daily accurence for the Fortuitous Housewife.

Katty 3 years ago

As someone who has been having an allergy attack all week, the Momflex speaks to me. Glad to see I’m not the only one with the mantra “squeeze before you sneeze.”

Mamalala 3 years ago

We had a firedrill this week at work. My reaction when the firebrick pulled up: firetruck!!!!! Good thing they all know I have a two year old…

TheCheekyKea 3 years ago

I’ve given up being momlusional. Last night at around 3 am I awoke to a little voice saying “Can you please be quiet, I’m trying to sleep”. Somehow my daughter had crept into my bed without my knowledge and then proceeded to wake me from the best sleep I’ve had all week. Evidently my snoring was bothering her.

Julie McGuire 3 years ago

Excellent post. I have the temperature thing down to a science.

Rachel 3 years ago

I loved this! My kids swear I have super sonic hearing or as they say ‘ mom has whisper 2000’, of course they think that is hilarious…

Practical Parenting 3 years ago

Mom sleeves is my favorite….all of my sleeves are completely stretched out at this point! Sigh.

kisha 3 years ago

Ahh the joys of motherhood. Really I think it has made me much smarter. I think my back to work resume will say,”Provided comprehensive services to non-english speaking clients with immediate life-safety needs, While teaching them English.”

Jennifer 3 years ago

I stayed up too late, had one crawl in one side at about 2 and the other one about 5. (sigh)

Tammy O 3 years ago

Oh my goodness- I have been sick with a bad cough for the past two weeks and have been “Momflexing” the while freaking time!

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Absolutely! Or, to know exactly who started it.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Yes!! How the hell is that??!!

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Momlective hearing. :)

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

LOL. Love that one.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Yeah… How’d that work out for you? (Written at 5AM?)

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

YES!!

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Completely. :)

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Love that one! Super embarrassing when you tell a room of adults that you need to go potty.

The Mommy Psychologist 3 years ago

Love that you called her “She that must be obeyed.” It really did make me laugh out loud.

“The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself.”
http://www.themommypsychologist.com

Mercy 3 years ago

These are all too real. Love it.

Mercy 3 years ago

I’ve got that one too – mom’s invisible ear plugs.

Mercy 3 years ago

I know this one – my friends used to hate me for it.

andrea 3 years ago

momvision-the ability to see any tongue sticking out, eyeball pokes, hair pulling and pinches from the back of your head.

Rae 3 years ago

Thank you!!

Katie 3 years ago

It seriously just made my day to find out that mom sleeves are a real thing and not just something gross that I invented!!

Pam 3 years ago

I once pulled the TherMoMeter thing on a nurse in the hospital. He argued, I insisted. He retrieved a SECOND digital thermometer, I disagreed with that one as well.
Just to prove me wrong he found an old fashioned thermometer and took my thankfully too-sleepy-to-care toddler’s temp…er….the “old-fashioned” way and I was correct within two-tenths of a degree.

Ryan (The Woven Moments) 3 years ago

I think we could also add MOMNESIA: the act of forgetting where you put your keys, your sunglasses, your purse, your shoes while simultaneously knowing the details of each child’s schedule down to the minute.

Jess WhoaMamma 3 years ago

Oh my Mom-ness, I love it!
You left out one word, though.
Mompossible: everything is possible with Mamma’s lovin’ x
Excellent. Have to share! xxx

MommyD 3 years ago

Im so that hopeful sleeper.
The person that recommended 8hrs of sleep was a man.
Cause if it was a woman she wouldn’t have been so greedy.

Alison@Mama Wants This 3 years ago

Momflex – that is so me right now!

Julie 3 years ago

Just last week I was at the theater and, upon seeing the line, opted out of using the ladies’ room during intermission for a preemptive pee. I muttered aloud, “it’ll be fine provided I don’t sneeze, cough or laugh too hard” just loudly enough for the three women nearby to laugh and nod in agreement…

Mama Nalyn 3 years ago

this is hilarious!
so it turns out I’m not the only one who is momlussional! oh when will i ever get that sleep! maybe tonight is the night!

Seriously Sassy Mama 3 years ago

I love these.

Marta 3 years ago

UM YES YES YES. Also, I missed my mommy flex early today at work and that was a mistake.

Cassie 3 years ago

Yes, yes yes! The Mom Flex and Mom Sleeves are the two I connect to the most. However, the mom sleeves is more for poopy diapers than runny noses.

Holly at 300 Pounds Down 3 years ago

Oh yes. This is awesome! I definitely have the Mom Sensory Perception one and always know when the school is calling . Which is a lot! I have 4 kids and for two weeks straight I got a call every single day. I considered not even leaving the school at one point . Finally my kids got well and then my son decided to play pencil wars and narrowly missed losing an eyeball during circle time. *sigh* It never ends…:)

Kate in Ohio 3 years ago

What do you call it when you have the ability to ignore the chaos that is reigning around you, or to ignore your child going, “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…” I have that.

Samantha 3 years ago

These are right on! I have “special mommy powers” that enable me to know what’s just been spilled in the back seat, or whose hand is in the cookie jar even if I’m in the bathroom, or if you’re using your truthful voice/wearing your truthful face. I think it’s a combination of MSP and Momsonic Hearing…keeps the kids (and the hubs) on their toes!

Sarah May 3 years ago

Brilliant!!!

What about momory: the skill of knowing where everything is and everyone’s schedule.

Carrie 3 years ago

Funny stuff!!!

I could easily change that “Mompiphany” to “Lifepiphany” cause I swear in life….I have no friggin clue what I’m doing half the time.

I apparently fake it well.

Jadzia@Toddlerisms 3 years ago

Add me to the growing crowd of Momlusional ladies. I am going to DIE if I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon. She Who Must Be Obeyed is now almost four months old and her latest thing is to sleep in shifts with her sister — SWMBO sleeps all day, big sis sleeps all night.

Jennifer 3 years ago

I know Momlusional so well. BUT I’m absolutely positive that tonight I will get some sleep.

See…

Kate 3 years ago

Love this especially the mom flex and the mom sleeves!!

Sweety Darlin 3 years ago

Moms-A-Lot: The ability to accomplish a weeks tasks in a single afternoon while daddy sits confused in the recliner!

Erin 3 years ago

I am prefecting the art of Momprehension, I only have 2 boys but add in there Hubby talking about his day and let’s face it, I got 3!!

Jessica 3 years ago

HAHA!! I love this! So very true.

Stephanie 3 years ago

We’re pretty amazing creatures, aren’t we?

MomEinstein 3 years ago

Love it! I can do the Thermomother thing. It’s scary accurate, but of course I check it anyway. Some of the others I need to work on.

Bullgrit 3 years ago

Momversation: Using child-level terms and explanations when talking with adults.

Nikki 3 years ago

Haha, love this Jill!!

Paging Dr Mommy 3 years ago

You nailed it! Every single one! Especially the cosmic way that any time I get ready to enjoy a cup of coffee, and hope that it will done in a brief moment of peace and quiet, all hell surely does break loose!

Jenna 3 years ago

Mom Savior = Scary Mommy

Mark 3 years ago

If I ever come down with MomFlex, I need someone to come and shoot me.
Have a good weekend!
m.

Life with Kaishon 3 years ago

: ) Love. Love. Love.

Katie 3 years ago

After 5 kids I definitely know the MomFlex!!!

I have great Momprehension.

Arnebya 3 years ago

Oh, Amber. Amber, Amber, Amber. Leave this place and never return!

All of these made me smile, but momsonic hearing? I can name that gait in three steps. And then momprehension: I amaze myself with the ability to hear, understand, and respond accordingly when they’re all talking at once.

Amber 3 years ago

YUP! Except the sleep thing. I was BLESSED with great sleepers. My biggest problem is getting them to wake up in the morning. :)