There is an early episode of Sex and the City, the one where Carrie goes on her first date with Mr. Big. At the end of the night, they end up having sex. I remember watching that as a 20-something and being shocked at the thought of having sex on the first date. My, how my perspective has changed.
Now that I’m in my 30s, and especially since I’m a single mom, sex on the first date is a brilliant idea to me. I simply don’t have the time or patience to wait for a certain amount of dates to see if there is sexual compatibility between me and the person I’m dating.
If you’re having sex on your terms, sex on the first date is hot. There’s a certain thrill to sex with someone for the first time. It’s hot, it’s new, and there’s a sense of urgency there. Because you’ve been building up sexual tension over the course of your date, the release is so good.
Since I’m my son’s primary parent, I don’t get a lot of time to go out on dates. Usually I have to schedule them around the time he’s with his dad or at school. My dates feel like I’m on borrowed time, and I need to make every second count. As a result, having sex on the first date feels almost necessary. Because if we don’t do it then, we may not get the chance to do it for a while. And while building up anticipation is great, sometimes I simply don’t want to.
One good thing? If I’m sexually attracted to someone, I know very quickly. And if the physical chemistry is undeniable, I will act on it. Why waste the little time I have playing coy?
Being straightforward about what I want sexually is liberating. But it hasn’t been an easy road. Getting to a place where I feel comfortable enough to go after what I want has taken time. Honestly, it takes a lot of mental deprogramming. Even though sex on the first date is totally okay, for a long time I felt bad for wanting it.
Women hear things like “people won’t respect you if you have sex without commitment,” and internalize it. One-night stands are seen as “slutty” or “trashy.” Or, if you have sex on the first date, you’re some sort of sex fiend. And we’re being fed these ideas starting at a very young age. It’s one thing to teach young people about knowing their worth and demanding better treatment from whoever they’re dating. But it’s quite another to make them feel bad for enjoying sex and wanting to explore that early in a relationship.
I think having a friend in college slut shame me is the cause of my internal struggle. Hooking up with someone, however casually, would illicit comments from her about my needing to have more respect for myself. Eventually, I would hear her disapproval in my ear. Even years after the fact, it’s something I’ll never forget. And the funny thing is that no one has ever treated me any differently. (Except for her with her judgey comments, of course.)
When I was in my first serious relationship in my early 20s, I felt that having sex too soon would be a dead end. Having sex on the first date would turn him off of the idea of taking our relationship to the next level. We had very obvious physical chemistry, and we both wanted to have sex. But I could hear that voice in the back of my head saying that if we did, that was it for our relationship. So I made him wait until after we were officially a couple. We were together for six years, and I don’t think that had anything to do with waiting to have sex.
When I began dating again last year, it was a conscious effort to silence the voices in my head. Sexual chemistry is a normal part of relationships. And wanting to give in to that sexual chemistry isn’t wrong. Having sex on the first date makes me feel good, and isn’t that important? I continuously tell myself not to feel guilty if I choose to have sex on the first date.
One of the best things about dating in my 30s is the confidence in knowing what I want. So if I want to have sex on the first date, I’m going to make it happen. I know I don’t care about other people’s opinions of me in general, so why should I care what they think about my sex life? And who says I have to tell anyone? What happens in my bed only matters to me and the person I’m sharing that time with.
Some relationships are going to just be about sex. Everyone isn’t always looking for their next great love; they’re looking for their next great lay. And if that’s the case, why the heck would you wait? That’s exactly what you’re there for, so might as well go for it, right? We need to stop allowing societal norms from 50 years ago to dictate our current happiness. Having sex on the first date doesn’t make you anything other than a confident person unafraid to go after what they want.
As long as you’re both consenting adults, get naked and be happy!