Let’s just take a quick trip to bizarro town. Imagine a place where people are sitting in their home and they look over at Fido’s toy bin and think, “Hmm…that looks like something we should really bring into the bedroom.”
Wait, what?! Nooooo.
After hearing a recent rumor on this very thing, I swear I will never look at a Kong the same way again. Supposedly, a dog toy called Būmi recently won an award as a sex toy. Despite multiple scary internet searches and any last shred of my innocence being mutilated by online images, I have been unable to substantiate this for a fact. Full disclosure: I was too frightened to do a deep dive into the sex awards archives. But…look at this thing.
It’s called a tug toy. Because of course it is. I just look at the design of this toy and think, “Where would I put all of that?” and “Would you use that one part as a handle, and why just why?” It turns out that using dog toys as sex toys is not a new thing. Yes, this is something that people do. After all, most of them are non-toxic, bendy, and shaped like ginormous dongs. I’m afraid after all of this that my side-bar ads are never going to recover and now my kids think we are getting a dog. Never ever google sex toys and dog toys together. Just don’t.
So, yes, people use dog toys for sex toys, but really, if you saw some of the more creative sex toys out there, I’m not so sure you could tell the difference either. Here is a real-live video of some blindfolded moms trying to differentiate between sex toys and a dog toys. It’s actually much harder than it sounds. *cough cough*
These are things I learned about the world from trying to research dog and sex toys on the internet:
1. People are really freaking weird. You guys are really weird. A lot of the things I saw appeared to be more like torture devices than anything pleasurable. I’m not fetish-shaming either, all consenting adults are free to do their thang, and I’ll just be over here sipping my boring, vanilla latte.
2. There is a very large industry for items that get inserted into people’s bodies that I was pretty clueless about. And there has to be a lot of warm-up stretching or something that goes on in many people’s homes.
3. Something called a vajankle exists, and now I’m going to set my computer on fire. Do not google this.
4. My kids can’t ever use the internet ever again, or I have to make sure that I always stay smarter than them with the strongest filters ever. What about when they are teens though? Okay, that’s it, definitely setting this computer on fire.
5. I really hope that the people who use dog toys as sex toys don’t actually have any dogs because that might get confusing for everyone.
7. I just don’t think I will look at people the same after any of this. And that will be me laughing hysterically in aisle seven in Petco forever.
8. I will never read the descriptions for dog toys the same way. I am truly scarred. Some memorable quotes include, “Dog toys designed for dogs with intense play drives!” and “They are meant for indoor or outdoor use and they even float!” Um, I’m sure they do.
9. I can actually see why this happened. After all, dog toys are probably more affordable than sex toys and likely made from similar materials. Oh look, now I’ve begun to rationalize all of this. What is happening?!
10. If I can’t ever look at another dog toy the same, neither can you. You’re so welcome.
So, to wrap it up: People are very creative, the internet can be a scary place, and I’ve obviously been living under a sippy cup for the last 10 years. I just feel bad for all the sex shops that are going to go bankrupt now because Petco has a better sale.