A Letter Of Apology To My Dusty Sex Toy Drawer

by Jamie Alvarenga
Originally Published: 
sex toy drawer
WorldWide / Shutterstock

Dear Sex Toy Drawer,

I feel I owe you an apology because it’s been a while.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate you. In fact, I used to be positively delighted to discover a sale on novelty sex toys at Spencer’s. I’d gingerly pretend I was looking at the marijuana-patterned shot glasses, and then when no one was looking, I’d swoop in like a horny eagle. I was like a child on Christmas morning as my eyes widened in awe. I couldn’t choose between the crotchless panties or the nipple pasties, so I grabbed both and bolted to the cashier. He rang up my purchase as I looked down at the floor in delightful, dirty shame.

Then there was that time I bought sex dice at a seasonal calendar and games store at the mall. Calendars plastered with photos of adorable kittens lined the walls, while the shelves were stacked with family-friendly board games. The sex dice seemed out of place but there they were, beckoning me to come play. As I grabbed them and stood in a long line full of children, I noticed that the cashier was shouting out each customer’s purchase.

“Ah, Yahtzee! Classic game. Enjoy!”

The woman in front of me approached the counter. She laid her item down and was greeted with similar exclamation.

“A lovely Star Wars calendar! May the force be with you.”

Realizing I was next in line, a nervous wave thick as strawberry lube washed over me. Would the cashier proudly announce to the entire store my purchase of glow-in-the-dark sex dice? Suddenly, my cheeks warmed with redness, and I thought about leaving the line, but I had already waited long enough. I was going to go through with the purchase.

I stepped up to the counter and laid the package of sex dice face down, in hopes the cashier would get the hint to be discreet. He didn’t.

“And what have we here…?” he said aloud.

As he took the package in his hand and saw the contents, his expression changed from happy-go-lucky to HOW-DARE-YOU-FUCKY?!

He remained silent, rang me up, and I scurried away.

So you see, sex toy drawer, I’ve gone through a lot of trouble to keep you stocked to the brim with handcuffs, blindfolds, and cock rings—oh my! It’s just that these days, newlywed sex with the husband is often spur of the moment. By the time I remember your cargo hold of nipple vibrators, my biscuit’s already been buttered, and I’m ready for a nap.

We’ll see each other again, sex toy drawer. Although our visits have gone from weekly to yearly, that only makes the times we do share more special. It’s like, if you eat pizza every day, you’ll eventually get sick of it, but if you eat it only once a month, that anticipated taste is exhilarating. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re my pizza, and in my world where I rate things according to deliciousness, there is no higher praise.

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