I Think I Might Be In The Market For A Sister Wife

I have decided that becoming a sister wife might be the most awesome thing ever. A girlfriend who lives with me and helps me cook and clean and remember what our husband said during that last argument so we can both hold it against him? Yes, please.

However, I also realize that it would take a special woman with very specific characteristics to want to join our band of crazy.

Along with the ability to laugh at fart jokes and negotiate your way out of a toddler “why?” spiral, here are the qualities you would need to have as my sister wife:

1. You can’t be too hot. Let’s even say you could be manly looking. Facial hair, displeasing moles, that type of thing. My husband must still see me as the hottest. You aren’t here to rain on my parade, just to hold my umbrella.

2. Okay, maybe no umbrella holding. Lets just say you are asexual. We need to take that whole thing out of the equation.

3. You don’t want any of your own children, ever. Mine are enough, trust me.

4. BUT…you have to love my kids as much as I do. And you have to really like getting down on the floor and playing with them. You don’t mind getting bossed around by toddlers, and you love to hear lengthy descriptions about Minecraft worlds complete with nausea-inducing demonstrations. The kids will still love me the most though.

5. You don’t judge the occasional glass of wine before 5 o’clock. In the morning. I’m kidding.

6. You don’t mind getting asked trick questions by children all day long, like, “Sister Mommy, do your want the blue blanket or the green blanket?” If you say, “The blue one,” you will be told, “Actually, you get the green one.” This happens every single time. You will never get the answer right.

7. You have a high tolerance for sleep-deprivation. In fact, you think sleeping is for sissies and grandmas.

8. You love irony. For example, a child who has not wet the bed in years will always wet the bed the night after you wash their sheets. Or a child will only throw down the F-bomb in front of your mother-in-law or the clergy.

9. You get genuine joy from removing brown kid goo from walls and teaching unwilling participants to use forks and saying things like, “You guys have lost the right sit within touching distance of each other for the rest of your lives.”

10. Cooking dinner is your jam. Because the people around here expect dinner every night. I know.

11. Speaking of dinner, you don’t get your feelings easily hurt because the amount of effort you put into cooking dinner is directly related to how much everyone is going to hate it.

12. You would love to read the children’s book Holler Loudly! 10 times a day for 6 months with a convincing Southern accent.

13. You are very creative and know a wide variety of fun activities that the kids would like to do around us but by themselves. That’s the key — by themselves.

14. You enjoy the feeling of asking someone to clean their room, and then they burst into tears.

15. You don’t have an aversion to strong smells. In fact, you consider catching vomit with your hands an art form.

If you match all of the above criteria, congratulations, and I’m very sorry. You just might be my sister wife.