We might not be as smart or clever as Bill Gates or Frasier Crane, but we can certainly try! And thanks to this list of smart and clever jokes, one-liners, and puns, you’ll sound like a regular Einstein — after all, you might even be smarter than a fifth grader. You might even be asked for your I.Q. (Which we give you permission to lie about! Joke!).
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Rhetorical questions don’t get a response.
- How easy is it to count in binary?
It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
- Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
- A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
- I put my root beer into a square cup. Now it’s just beer.
- A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
- Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
- This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? To. To who? No, to whom.
- A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
- How do mathematicians scold their children?
“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
- A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
- A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!” “Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
- Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
- There’s a fine line between a denominator and a numerator. Only a fraction of you will understand this.
- Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
- A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
- Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
- Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
- Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
- C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
- A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
- What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
- A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
- What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
- The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
- What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
- Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
- What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
- A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks. “That’s my house,” says the castaway. “What’s the second hut for?” “That’s my church.” “And the third hut?” “Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
- What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.
- Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.
- Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H20.”
The other says, “I’ll have some H20, too.” The second man died.
- A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.” “God, how much is a million dollars?” “To me, it’s a penny.” “God, may I have a penny?” “Wait a minute.”
- You’re a 10 on the pH scale.
Because you’re basic.
- A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
- Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
- A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
- René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
- Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
- Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not — here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, “I found you, Pascal!”
- There are two kinds of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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