How To Steal Your Kids’ Halloween Candy Without Getting Caught

by Sarah Cottrell
Originally Published: 

Children learn at a very young age that sugar in nearly any form is worth throwing a meltdown over. Dentists offer lollipops to ensure repeat business. Grocery stores line their checkout aisles with gobs of candy, which is conveniently timed for when a parent is about to lose it. And every single party, parade, holiday, or special treat revolves around sugar.

So it should not be a surprise when parents start eyeballing the pillowcase filled with Halloween loot. You’ve earned some of that sugary prize, right? But how to get your parental hands on it without getting busted by junior?!

You do it like this:

Step One: Convince the kids that the safest place to hide their candy is in the back of the refrigerator or in some super high up cabinet. Make a big deal about this. Tell them mice or ghosts or candy robbers or silly grandparents might take nibbles of their sugary loot if they don’t.

Step Two: When the kids go to bed pull out that bag of Halloween candy and dump it out on a table. Sort through it taking note of the ratio of good candy versus that cheap crap no likes. I’m looking at you, Sweet Tarts.

Step Three: Even though everyone likes the mini Snickers and the Mars bars, you can’t get greedy. You have to take a few pieces from the chocolate pile and few from the crap pile. Seriously, the shit we do for our kids, right?

Step Four: Hide your pile someplace your kid WILL NEVER EVER LOOK. The most successful hiding place is usually some place clever like inside of an empty box of frozen lima beans. Then store your “lima beans” in the freezer.

Step Five: If your kid starts to suspect anything, and asks where the candy is going, then deflect the conversation by talking about adopting healthier eating habits and suggesting that perhaps everyone ought to take a break from sugar for at least two weeks. That will surely shut them up.

I’m sure some folks will bemoan what an asshole a mom or dad is for stealing candy from their kid. But you know what? From September’s new awesome school supplies, flying past Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah, New Year’s Eve, and then sliding into February’s Valentine’s Day, kids get major toy and sugar holidays every few weeks.

So, shove a handful of mini snickers into your mouth, dammit, and feel no guilt. We’ve earned this!

Related post: The 10 Stages of Choosing a Halloween Costume

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