Stop Parking Like An A**hole, Folks

by A. Rochaun
Originally Published: 
Stop Parking like an asshole

Imagine this: You find out you have to catch a last minute flight to your hometown. The flight leaves in less than four hours, the kids are on their worst behavior, and your commute is a little over 1.5 hours (I know what you’re thinking, who the eff has to drive that far to the airport? The answer is me. Perks of living in the midwest.) By the skin of your teeth, you make it to the airport with less than an hour to get through airport security, but only if you can find a parking spot in the next three minutes. Out of nowhere, the heavens open up, and you see the perfect spot right next to the shuttle. But before you can maneuver the whip into this anointed spot, you notice someone parked dead in the center of two neighboring parking spots.

What do you do next? You can (a) Risk getting caught on the security cam keying their car and slashing their tires or ( b) leave them a passive aggressive handwritten note or (c) ignore them and just angrily drive away because you’re thisclose to missing your flight. Regardless whether you’re on team #keythatass or decide to let bygones be bygones, we can all agree that few things can ruin your day like a shitty parked vehicle.

Chances are, at one point or another, you’ve been furious thanks to someone parking like an asshole. For me, the rage I feel at that moment is nearly indescribable.

I’m not sure why lousy parking is enough to bring the demons out of us, but all I know is there are two types of people in the world. Those assholes parkers who selfishly inconvenience us and probably come from a long line of shitty, entitled people, and those of us who rage and put a hex on them when they screw up our day.

I often wonder what level of arrogance is required for someone to park so badly that others can’t fit into (or get out of) the surrounding parking spots. First, there’s no way you couldn’t feel how badly you were parking while it was happening. Second, how the *insert four letter word* can you get out of the car, see the way you parked and think “Yep! That’s good.” I mean, really.

I believe there is a special section of hell dedicated to selfish, bad parkers. And given the opportunity, I would pay a nominal fee to watch as they suffer the consequences.

When I say asshole parking, I’m not talking about the crooked parked mom who is forced to run into the store quickly because their child ruined their last diaper or needs some Tylenol for a teething baby. I get it, emergencies happen, and there will be times that every second counts and straight parking costs too many.

I’m not even talking about the senior citizen who accidentally parked a little too much to the right leaving me with the challenge of squeezing my six-month pregnant belly out of a narrowly opened car door.

The main reason the above examples don’t count is that they really didn’t intend to cause harm and they definitely didn’t park that way on purpose. They aren’t serial offenders.

Those things are annoying. But they are circumstantially understandable and don’t completely block access to the parking spot.

I’m talking about the giant douche in his giant F-150 truck with the hip extenders and muffler alteration to make the truck extra loud who parks diagonal in the center of two vertical spots in a crowded parking lot.

Two essential qualities have to accompany this jerky driver. The first is a lack of remorse and total disregard for how their parking impacts the rest of us. The second is a sense of entitlement that can be seen in the way they continually choose to inconvenience others.

To the shitty parkers of the world: We all hate you. And no, I don’t mean that light, friendly hate that most of us have for Peeps candy. We really hate you. If you don’t stop being so self-centered, someone is going to have your shit towed. The inflated sense of self you have is sickening.

Watch your tires,

An angry, expecting mom who needed that space.

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