I think I say this multiple times a day without even realizing it. My sister now responds to my text, meme or gif with an eye roll and a reply of “You are always exhausted.”
I am always exhausted.
At least that’s how I’ve felt the past nine years. I don’t count the years before motherhood and EJ because frankly I didn’t know what true exhaustion felt like.
But the past year and a half have been even more exhausting. I feel it so deeply that I am literally tired of being tired.
I have taken care of my sick father, watched him quickly fade, and then dealt with the unexpected loss and grief. I have changed jobs, taking on more responsibility as I refocus on my career and my own goals. I have packed up our home of five years and decluttered years of memorabilia, toys and junk. I have endlessly searched for a new home for us so we could settle into life in the city and out of the suburbs.
I have coordinated the schedule of an energetic nine-year old with ADHD. Appointments, school work, tutoring, playdates and basketball. I am often not sure what direction my car is headed. I have dealt with a car accident that thankfully left us unscathed but left me without my beloved car for months. A seemingly small inconvenience but with so much change, losing something else familiar was unnerving.
I am exhausted. We all are.
But I am tired of being tired.
I am tired of being too tired to write, even though I know the positive energy it gives me. I am tired of being too tired to recommit myself to a workout schedule that I know will give me the boost I need and make me feel less anxious. I am tired of being too tired to take a mental health day when I need to recharge my batteries. I am tired of being so tired that I often feel neglectful of my husband and child.
I am tired of being exhausted.
And so on this ridiculously cold day in January, I finally hit a tired wall.
I can no longer function this exhausted. I will pull on my leggings and go to the gym to run. I will stay up to talk to my husband and watch the movie we have been meaning to see for the past year or finally schedule that date night out. I will continue to write the book that has consumed my thoughts for five years but has been alloted very little of my time or energy. I will text friends I haven’t seen in months and make actual plans. I will take the time to meal prep for myself and put effort into healthy eating.
I will stop being too exhausted. I will stop saying it and thinking it because all that does is make me feel like I can’t do these things.
As mothers, as parents, we will never not feel tired. Maybe during retirement. But we can’t let that exhaustion prevent us from living. From doing the things that give us energy, light, and happiness.
By pushing past the exhaustion, I know that committing myself to my overall health and wellbeing will only give me more energy for my family and the things that are important.