Porn Tips And Advice To Moms From Stormy Daniels – Scary Mommy

Stormy Daniels Shares Porn-Watching Tips For Moms Because, Duh, Moms Like Porn

January 22, 2020 Updated February 26, 2020

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A quick Instagram search for #momporn yields comical results including bearded dads wearing a Baby Bjorn, a long line of Tupperware containing a week’s worth of meal prep, or photos of children tucked into their beds, sleeping peacefully. And as much as society would love to assume that’s what gets moms off, it’s not true. Not only do mothers continue to be sexual beings post-childbirth, but many actively seek out pornography for their sexual pleasure. In fact, according to Scary Mommy’s recent sex and motherhood survey, 28 percent of the nearly 500 moms surveyed said they watch porn at least once a month. Here’s what — and why — they’re watching. 

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Few people — mothers or otherwise — have as much experience with pornography as Stormy Daniels. Though she’s now a household name for political reasons, before that Daniels made a name for herself working in the adult film industry for the past 20 years. In addition to being a porn director, writer, producer, and actor, she’s also a mom. Though Daniels says that she’s never specifically considered the porn-watching habits of mothers, she does know that it’s more popular among women than many might think.

“What I can tell you is that I do know for a fact that women and men enjoy looking at sexual content about equally,” she tells Scary Mommy. “It’s not very commonly accepted or spoken about because of the stigma involved. There’s a lot of shame about women watching porn.”

Part of this stigma may stem from the fact that some women — many of whom are likely moms — may not be comfortable watching porn that may have involved an element of coercion or abuse. “Traditionally, women have been taught that those poor, helpless women in those movies are being coerced or forced to do something against their will, or exploited by that big, bad male porn producer or director,” Daniels explains. 

“That’s something that’s not accepted or talked about…. A mom with a six-month-old baby who’s breastfeeding should not be jerking off watching porn. I mean, I think they should.”

Knowing that Daniels is in control both in front of and behind the camera — in addition to writing and producing, she has directed at least 90 percent of the movies she’s acted in — may remove that negative aspect of the porn-viewing experience for some people. “I immediately take away the guilt or that little voice in their head saying, ‘Oh, fuck. Does this girl really want to be there?’ Because clearly I’m not abusing and exploiting myself,” she says. “So once that was completely off the table, [the viewer] could relax and just get into what she was doing — which is really cool. I like that.” 

This mental categorization of Daniels’ porn as less exploitative and more ethical isn’t necessarily something that women consciously consider, but rather, she suggests, helps them enjoy it more. 

This has been true for Amanda*, a mother of two kids, ages one and five. “Since becoming a mom, I’ve become more conscious of wanting to watch ethical porn. I like feeling like the performers are paid and respected,” she tells Scary Mommy. “Because of that I’ve started skipping the mainstream porn sites and heading to a female-friendly site, Bellesa. Lately I’ve been really into the NSFW section on Reddit. I like that there are a lot of ‘real’ people there posting their pictures or videos directly.” 

Laura*, another mom, prefers porn made by women, queer, or trans people, or active members of the kink community, “so that I can tell they’re actually enjoying the experience and not just having a same-sex sexual experience or a sadomasochistic experience that they don’t want for the benefit of someone else,” she tells Scary Mommy.

She is not alone in her preferences: a combined 40  percent of the mothers who took part in the Scary Mommy survey said that they prefer watching lesbian and gay porn, while nine percent seek out porn involving BDSM and kink.

“I’ve never really been into mainstream porn because it doesn’t seem to be about female pleasure to me at all, a lot of the time,” Laura explains. “It seems on average to be more like a performance sometimes, where women’s bodies are pushed to their limits almost as a sport instead of for pleasure.”

Similarly, Paige*, a queer person and mom, prefers amateur lesbian/queer porn. “I like the amateur [porn] better because it feels more real to me, and also because a lot of time in mainstream lesbian porn made for (typically) a male audience, the women have these ridiculously long nails, which anybody who has actually been in a lesbian sexual relationship knows is not practical nor comfortable,” she tells Scary Mommy. “It makes me squeamish to watch, and I just keep thinking about those poor vaginas!”

Why moms watch porn is why anyone watches porn — to get off.

Those who find it surprising that moms watch porn at all may also wonder why they find it appealing. It’s actually pretty simple: mothers are humans with sexual desires, just like anyone else, and for some, that involves watching pornography. “My porn-watching hasn’t really changed at all since becoming a mom, other than being very careful to be sure my browser history is cleared if my kids are going to use the computer,” Paige says.

In fact, Daniels makes the case that watching porn can be especially beneficial for moms, providing them with a form of escapism and release. “If a woman has children — especially young children — they are very often staying at home and there’s a lot of loneliness that comes [with that],” she explains. “I’m a mom too, so [I know] there’s a lot of loneliness in those first couple of years after having children…You feel isolated at first and alone, but your sex drive isn’t always gone. I know a lot of women who want to have sex again, and even though the doctor cleared them, the thing that held them back was their body changes and being tired.”

“You should watch porn alone at first…what if you watch it and you’re not turned on, but you’re sitting next to your partner who has a giant boner and now it’s just not a good scenario?”

And though we may think of using porn as a marital aid or to get into the mood with a partner, Daniels points out that it’s great for masturbating — a solo activity 57 percent of moms reported enjoying at least once a month in our survey . “If you’re at home and the baby’s taking a nap, I do know — myself included — that you watch a little porn and handle business on your own,” she says. “And I think that’s something that’s not accepted or talked about. You know, a mom with a six-month-old baby who’s breastfeeding should not be jerking off watching porn. I mean, I think they should. It’s just something that they don’t want to talk about necessarily.”

Other mothers we spoke to watch porn for similar reasons. “I enjoy the visual stimulation that porn provides,” Amanda says. “It’s also a quick and easy way to get myself going with little foreplay/forethought. I tend to watch porn when I’m masturbating before sleep. It’s a quick and easy way to orgasm, which helps me wind down to sleep — which we know is so important as a mom.”

For Paige — who has a condition called aphantasia which makes it difficult to voluntarily visualize imagery — watching porn helps her get in the mood. “I tend to watch by myself,” she says. “I’m not opposed to watching with a partner, but both my partner and I use it specifically for masturbation type reasons generally. It hasn’t found a way into our sexual relationship yet.”

Daniels also points out that porn can help moms get back in touch with their bodies after giving birth. “I know women who have had significant changes to the sensitivity of different parts of their erogenous zones [after giving birth],” she explains. “And it’s almost like using porn as a tool to help rediscover how your body reacts to things.”

Though masturbation is a great place to start getting reacquainted with a post-motherhood body, Daniels says that porn can also be really useful if you’ve been in a relationship with the same person for a long time and noticed that your sexual dynamic has changed after becoming parents. “Even if you have an open communication in your sex life, you can’t really explain to your partner what feels good and what doesn’t feel good if you don’t know,” she says, adding that porn can also be a helpful way to learn new sexual techniques to add to your repertoire. 

Porn 101 for moms, according to Stormy Daniels.

If you’re a mom — or anyone else for that matter — who is interested in watching porn for the first time and you’re not sure where to start, Daniels has some suggestions. First, she recommends starting with a film directed by a woman. In addition to removing the idea of exploitation, women-directed porn tends to focus more on continuity and aesthetics: something Daniels says moms may appreciate because of how organized they have to be every day. “The women directors I know — especially myself and a couple of others — really pay attention to detail on the set,” she notes. “It’s [also] prettier bra and panties — the small, little things like that.” 

If you’re not sure what type of porn to try, Daniels suggests opting for soft-core. For example, her former company Wicked Pictures has a division called Wicked Passions, which is more story-driven and couples-focused than traditional porn. “It’s got more of a passionate, romantic feel to the stories and the stories are more cohesive,” she explains. 

And the women cast in these movies don’t look like your average porn star; they tend to have natural breasts and not be heavily tattooed or wear extremely high heels. For this reason, Daniels says that she wouldn’t be allowed to be in a Wicked Passions film. The idea is for the average woman watching to be able to see herself in the scenario. “The scenes were designed to be more identifiable with the majority of normal people,” she explains. “Where other porn is supposed to be a fantasy, these are supposed to be more realistic.” 

As much as Daniels is a proponent of using porn as a marital aid, she recommends starting out solo, finding out what works for you, and then incorporating it as a tool with a partner. And, she notes, if you give porn a try by yourself and find that you don’t enjoy it, that’s perfectly fine too — and at least this is something you’re able to figure out on your own. 

“I always think you should watch porn alone at first. That way, you’re never in the position of feeling like you’re being watched or being expected to be turned on,” Daniels says. “Because what if you watch it and you’re not turned on, but you’re sitting next to your partner who has a giant boner and now it’s just not a good scenario?”

*Names have been altered to protect the individual’s privacy. 

Dr. Elizabeth Yuko is a bioethicist and writer specializing in reproductive ethics and sexual health.

 

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