Summer Can Bite Me

Summer! Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of sunshine and swimming, long days and late nights; all those hotdogs, flip flops, fireworks and fun. Yeah, they can all bite me. Summer can kiss my sweaty ass, I’m so over it. Yes, there are lots of great things about summer, but I had enough of those things, oh, about 3 weeks ago.

Summer disrupts the carefully constructed life I have when my kids are gone, and I want my life back. When they finally aired the first back-to-school commercials, the kids were sad. So sad. They made sad little faces. I made sure to calmly walk all the way into the kitchen to do “The Carlton” happy dance out of their sight, because I’m thoughtful like that. I was quiet about my glee … at first.

By the end of this week, they were watching me Whip and watching me Nae Nae right out in front of the Target ads. #Sorrynotsorry. My exuberance could no longer be contained. And maybe the Advent calendar I made, counting down the days until that glorious FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL (complete with tiny liquor bottle surprise), was overkill, I don’t know.

What can I say? To me, back-to-school time is like “mom Christmas” – it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Forget the jolly old man in a big red suit coming down the chimney – I’m counting the days until the old man in a big yellow bus comes down the street.

Some may disagree with me, but here, in no particular order, are the things I am looking forward to when the kids go back to school:

Silence. Here’s a little-known fact about children: They never shut up. They never stop asking questions or trying to show you one more Minecraft video. They never stop fighting with each other, whining, telling on each other, telling you fart jokes, telling each other fart jokes or putting SpongeBob at volume level 80 before leaving the room with the remote.

And God forbid you need to make a phone call, work from home or have a rational thought. They seem unable to control THE LEVEL OR VOLUME OF THEIR VOICES. I love the sound of my children’s laughter, really I do, but the sound of my children shutting the fuck up is even more melodic. The only time my children are quiet is when they are doing something questionable or watching something questionable on YouTube while wearing headphones. Then I’m the one yelling.

I’m looking forward to not yelling.

After that school bell rings, the only sound you’ll hear for seven glorious hours is the soothing exhale of your own breath and the slow return of your inner peace.

Bedtime. Children need lots of sleep and I need children to be unconscious and silent so I can finally watch my programs. I am a bedtime drill sergeant during the school year, if for no reason other than my own sanity. Because there is no set bedtime in summer, there is no Orange Is The New Black watching in summer for me, and that makes me want to shank a bitch.

And forget about having sexy-time in the summer. Children don’t care if you just watched three episodes of Outlander and your spouse is tied to the headboard wearing nothing but a kilt and a red wig. They will still bust in and try to sleep in your bed.

An Actual Schedule. Speaking of bedtime, I don’t know about you, but the willy-nilly, whatevs vibe of summer is only good for me for about a week. Sure, I enjoy staying up and sleeping in and wandering around in pajamas all day, but I get nothing done. Nothing. I’m not what you would call “disciplined” or a “self-starter” or “particularly hygienic” if I don’t have to be.

But if I have to get the kids up and out the door, I’m awake. Once I’m up, I’m up for the day. I’m actually a morning person after coffee. SHOCKER! I mean, I’m still a bitch, but I’m a productive bitch. Who knew?

Speaking of hygiene …

Legitimate Hygiene. I make a feeble attempt to get my kids to bathe semi-regularly and brush their teeth all summer. Do they? Um, is the water in the neighborhood pool fluoridated? I’m gonna say yes and there’s your summertime bath/dental routine and yes, it grosses me out but I am tired, dammit. During school time, this shit is non-negotiable. I’m looking forward to fresh breath.

Grocery Shopping Alone. I miss it. Driving alone, peeing alone, showering alone … actually, doing anything alone is heaven, but grocery shopping without kids is like a mini vacay. I’ve missed strolling down the aisles, dancing to the kick-ass ’80s music (my kids hate my dancing!? What?!), reading labels and visiting with the wine guy.

When my kids are in tow, they whine. When they whine, I wine. One bottle for each aisle. When they aren’t whining their way through the entire store, they attempt to fill the cart with crap and screech when I take it all out. So, I wine, they whine more, I leave all the junk food in and get the hell out as soon as possible, which leads to …

Having Food In The House. When kids are home, they are constantly hungry. They are snacking. Their friends are constantly hungry. So they are snacking. Constantly. The pantry is constantly bare, even though I just spent $250 at the store! And what is left in there is stale, because NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO USE A GODDAMN CHIP CLIP or, even more rage-inducing, they leave the empty box. You thought you would have an ice cream sandwich? Nope. But hey, here’s a box with a picture of an ice cream sandwich on it.

If you buy some fancy snacks just for your enjoyment, hide that shit somewhere your kids will never look. (Perhaps near their toothbrushes.) So I’m looking forward to buying actual food I like and having it actually be there an hour later when I want to eat it.

The Regeneration of My Children’s Limbs. I don’t know about your house, but in the summer my children become helpless stumps with no working arms or legs. They are unable to walk, pick up clothes or make their own drinks and sandwiches. They often wait for a parent to pass by the sofa or floor where they are lying, helpless, and call out to that parent to fetch them something they couldn’t possibly get on their own. It’s a sad summer affliction that affects millions of children worldwide.

But there is hope! Miraculously, sometime in August, their little limbs regenerate like salamanders. They are again able to walk and even hold backpacks, begrudgingly. I am very much looking forward to witnessing the transformation, quitting my butler gig and being demoted to just chauffeur.

These and so many more are the reasons I’m officially over summer. Back-to-school can’t get here soon enough. And yes, I’m sure at some point I’ll miss them, but in order for that to happen, first they need to GO THE HELL AWAY!