Eva Mendes: My Sweatpants Bring All the Boys to the Yard

by Hollee Actman Becker
Originally Published: 

Wait, what?

My husband always told me I looked cute in sweatpants. Was this a lie to distract me from the fact that he was secretly off somewhere filing divorce papers? I clicked on the link, choking on my chardonnay only just a little as I read: “You can’t do sweatpants. Ladies, number one cause of divorce in America, sweatpants, no!”

OK Eva. I’m gonna go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt because I liked you in Hitch and because Ryan Gosling is your baby daddy and all. But I do have some follow-up questions for you. Like, what kind of sweatpants are we talking about here? Because mine are from Victoria Secret PINK, so does that make them exempt? Or does that kind of loophole only apply if you’re married to Adam Levine or look like Gisele?

© Sonia Recchia/Getty

Also. Just out of curiosity … what is it you think we should all be wearing instead? Edible underwear? Leather catsuits? Lacy negligees? Because I would love to see the look on my kids’ faces if I rolled into the kitchen to whip up dinner dressed like the “Oops I Did It Again” version of Britney Spears. Note to self: Halloween 2016?

How cute is Ryan Gosling, though, coming to Eva’s rescue by trying to clear the whole thing up on Twitter: “Obviously sweatpants thing was a joke. Wearing them now. That’s right, tweeting in sweatpants. Rats! Said too much! You win again Twitter.”

Superhero status! I mean, who doesn’t love a guy who rushes to his wife’s defense like that? No wonder she’s afraid to wear sweatpants! Oh wait. I just remembered something. She’s not his wife. They aren’t even married! And so to quote Brittany Murphy in Clueless, “Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You’re a virgin who can’t drive!” Which means divorce threat be damned, I will continue to rock my pair of old gray sweatpants. I hope not sporadically.

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