Sometimes my girlfriends and I get to talking about sex, and although I have a ton of outspoken, awesome, liberated pals, there is a trend I see among them that, frankly, disturbs me.
We’ll be talking about what we like and don’t like in bed, and a fair number of my friends will tell me some pretty specific fantasy or sex act that they would love to engage in with their significant other, but that they don’t feel comfortable asking for. Either that, or they will mention things they really don’t like to do in bed, but that they don’t feel comfortable bringing up with their partners.
I think this is a fairly typical position for many women to be in, and there are times that I have been there myself. So I am going to share with you something that I tell my friends (and myself) when these sorts of things come up.
Just tell your partner what you freaking want! I’m serious. Don’t beat around the bush (pun intended!). Just do it. Everyone will be happier, and more satisfied in the end.
Now, I know that can be easier said than done. Sexuality is complicated for pretty much all of us, and our feelings about sex, our bodies, and everything else go way back, and can often be rife with shame. Plus, the culture we live in — where sex is commercialized, dehumanized, and where women are so often objectified, and worse — turns sex into anything but positive or healthy.
So it makes perfect sense that so many of us women would sometimes find it totally humiliating and stressful to ask our partners for anything in bed. What if they reject us? What if they knew the extent of our fantasies, our drives, our deeply held desires? Worse yet, what if they shame us for asking?
Here’s the thing: If you have a partner who shames you for your desires in any way, you’ve probably got bigger relationship problems than just sex. Hurtful, shameful, humiliating words are not acceptable, and please know that you deserve much better than that.
But even partners who won’t fully listen or take our desires seriously are a problem too. You see, your sexual desires aren’t just some “other” aspect of your life. They are who you are. They are part of your basic needs, wants — part of the core of your identity as a person and as a woman. Yes, these feelings are not something you necessarily share with the world. But they are something you should feel confident sharing with your significant other — your lover. And you should be able to trust that they will listen without judgment.
Chances are, if you share it, your partner will be all over whatever it is. Just sharing a fantasy or desire can be a turn-on unto itself. But besides the probable added bonus of steaming things up in the bedroom, you are doing something important for the both of you: You are further opening up a line of communication and sharing some of your deepest, most intimate feelings and desires.
What it comes down to is this: We all deserve a lover who is generous. And I mean, really generous — someone who wants nothing more than to please you, to watch you literally lose yourself in ecstasy. I believe every woman deserves a sex partner like that. Otherwise, what’s the point, really?
In my experience, sex is not as much about proper technique or know-how. It’s about connecting. It’s about asking and receiving. So many of us women are used to being in the position of giving…and giving some more in bed. It’s part of how we are taught to be from an early age. We are sex symbols. The way we dress and act and behave in bed is for the sole purpose of satisfying a man.
I call bullshit. We need to change that, ladies. It starts with us. Don’t put up with that kind of fuckery. For real.
And for anyone who is going to go tell me that part of our job as women and wives is to be there to please our spouses in any way they see fit even if we aren’t into it, well you can just fuck right off.
It’s about time women start asking for what they want — in the bedroom and in all aspects of their lives. Sex is a beautiful thing, a pleasure that we all deserve to experience in a healthy, open way. So, please tell them what you want. You won’t regret it.