2. CIA Operative: Exhibits the utmost discretion with privileged information. “Covert” is my middle name. I can army-crawl out of a bedroom without waking a sleeping toddler. I can crack the password on your iPhone in under 10 minutes. I can eavesdrop while carrying on my own conversation. I can detect a lie without machinery. Let’s face it: I’m James Bond with an SUV and car seats.
3. Nurse: Triage for all injuries and illnesses, both real and imaginary, often working back-to-back 24-hour shifts. Also responsible for medical supplies, including buying colorful, cartoon character band-aids because kid logic says they heal cuts faster, keeping the boo-boo bunny frozen at all times, ensuring the white medical tape isn’t used for art projects and recovering the ace bandage placed on the dog.
4. Multilingual Interpreter: Fluent in whines, grunts, shrugs and shrieks. Able to translate pointing, bickering, stomping feet and slamming doors.
5. Restaurateur: Acted as chef, waitress and busboy for restaurant that has been in business for 15 years. Specialty is down-home cooking with an extensive “whine” list. Adept at disguising vegetables, making three versions of the same meal and fielding customer complaints. The tips suck, but I do have repeat customers.
6. Hostage Negotiator: Competent at negotiating with crazed individuals whose demands I have no intention of meeting. My soothing voice, calm demeanor and persistence are assets in these situations. Typically, these individuals are shaking me down for money and generally pissing me off, which makes it easier to hold my ground.
7. Teacher: Proficient in all elementary and middle school subjects, well, except math, which keeps changing and doesn’t have anything to do with math anymore. Bona fide research expert who can take a tri-fold from hot mess to blue ribbon in one evening. Strengths include refraining from scrapping a kid’s document and completely rewriting it myself and Googling anything necessary to prove I am right again.
8. Bounty Hunter: Vast knowledge in tracking down anything AWOL. Extensive field study led to my recent thesis on the topic. In summary, it states that most things are 1) where you left them and 2) not my responsibility. Sadly, all rewards for capture are paid in the form of bragging rights and the occasional “I told you so.”
9. Therapist: Treated youth patients in all manner of desperation. Boast a 100-percent cure rate when drama is caught early. Practiced in saying “uh–huh” and “hmm” at the proper intervals when exaggeration is detected. Tell me, how does that make you feel?
10. Personal Shopper: Capable of buying gifts, clothes and sporting equipment for all ages and occasions. Adept in both online and in-person purchases. Transitions between the gift-card kiosk, Target, Sports Authority and the thrift store with ease. Coupon-savvy and comfortable in all shopping situations, particularly those with an in-house Starbucks.
Wow, if I ever get back in the game, I hope compensation is not commensurate with experience. No one will be able to afford me.