55 'That '70s Show' Quotes That Are Still Hilarious

Originally Published: 
still from That 70s Show — That 70s Show quotes

Fox’s That ’70s Show seemed to be on TV forever, having first aired in 1998 and ending in 2006. The series documented the lives of a group of teenagers — Eric, Kelso, Jackie, Hyde, Donna, and Fez — living in 1970s Wisconsin, hanging out in a basement, falling in and out of love with each other, smoking weed, and tormenting Eric’s parents upstairs. The show was genuine and hilarious, as the kids dropped one-liners and digs at each other and Red, Eric’s dad, tended to lose his temper at every turn. That means there are tons of great That ’70s Show quotes to use on your family or caption an Instagram post. It’s not surprising the show has spawned a new, highly anticipated spinoff: That ’90s Show.

Wilmer Valderrama, who played Fez on the OG show, reflected on the series for its 20th anniversary in 2018 on Instagram, writing, “[We] had no idea what was ahead of us, or if it would even las. But we knew it was gonna be fun. We spent eight years and 200 episodes together; we traveled the world … [and] we grew up together. We were a family and will always be.”

And that family had a lot to say about each other on the show. Read on for some of them.

That ’70s Show Quotes That’ll Get You Pumped for the Spinoff

  1. “Damn, Jackie, I can’t control the weather!” — Kelso
  2. “I don’t love people. I love Camaros, Zeppelin, and french fries – in that order!” — Hyde
  3. “I like my women like I like my wine — red and full of alcohol.” — Fez
  4. “Yelling is the only part of being a father that I enjoy!” — Red
  5. “Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would!” — Jackie
  6. Jackie: “I can’t believe you lost your virginity, Fez!”

Eric: “Wait, this isn’t like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity, and then lost it, right?”

  1. “I can’t believe Laurie bit me.” — Donna
  2. “Well, that’s perfect, Eric. Use that line when you’re up for Miss America.” — Red
  3. “God, what did you eat for breakfast? Carnation Instant Bitch?” — Eric
  4. “Look, the sooner you realize I’m a genius, the better off we’ll both be.” — Jackie Burkhart
  5. “One day, I’m gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says, ‘Hey, Kelso, what’s special on the menu?’ I can say ‘Everything.'” — Kelso
  6. “That was like eight burns in one sentence.” — Hyde
  7. “You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I’ve come to realize that there’s a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year.” — Eric
  8. Kitty: “I have bad news. Midge left Bob.”

Eric: “Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.”

  1. “Laurie, what’s going on? You’re acting like you’re liking me, and that’s weird.” — Kelso
  2. “That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.” — Red
  3. “Keep your friends closer and your enemies fat.” — Jackie
  4. “Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste.” — Donna
  5. “You don’t have bad luck. The reason bad things keep happening to you is because you’re a dumbass!” — Red
  6. “I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. It told me I was gonna have a good year.” — Leo
  7. “I said good day!” — Fez
  8. “No one really likes Jackie; let’s be real.” — Eric
  9. “With coffee as black as my heart, please.” — Eric
  10. “You kids switch partners more than square dancers.” — Kitty
  11. “When my time comes, I wanna be buried face down so that anyone who doesn’t like me can kiss my a**.” — Red
  12. “Donna told me she loved me, and then I told her I loved cake.” — Eric
  13. “I’m telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know because then we’d buy all the water.” — Hyde
  14. “Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It’s a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?” — Kitty
  15. Kelso: “Oh, that’s Fez. He’s the foreign exchange student.”

Jackie: “What did we exchange for him?”

  1. “I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.” — Fez
  2. “The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate, and Hollywood.” — Hyde
  3. Donna: “Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?”

Jackie: “Um, cheerleading camp.”

  1. “Fez, unfortunately, there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. But you know what, you’re not alone. Why don’t you think the Martians won’t land here? Cause they’re green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.” — Kelso
  2. Laurie: “All I am saying is Daddy works really hard and nothing here is cheap.”

Eric: “Except you.”

  1. “In real life, my kids split on me.” — Leo
  2. “So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can’t, because they’re both idiots.” — Donna
  3. “The gym, or as I like to call it, the institute of things I can’t do.” — Eric
  4. “Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!” — Donna
  5. “Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!” — Fez
  6. Kitty: “Red, do you think I am smart?”

Red: “Oh, is that what we are gonna do today? We are gonna fight?”

  1. “Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don’t know. Where are you going? I don’t know. What are you thinking about? I don’t know. Who is that under you? I don’t know. You see, it’s bulletproof!” — Kelso
  2. Jackie: “Donna, I have to go to the ladies’ room. Donna??”

Fez: “I too must go to the bathroom. Eric?” Eric: “No, it doesn’t work that way with guys.”

  1. “This suit is for leisure. But many times, I wear it to get down to business.” — Fez
  2. “I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.” — Jackie
  3. “Fez, tell us what happened… go on.” — Eric
  4. Leo: “I met God one time on a bus. He told me the meaning of life and gave me a pretzel.”

Hyde: “So, what’s the meaning of life?” Leo: “I don’t remember, but it was a pretty good pretzel.”

  1. “Every day, I am here with my heart on my sleeve, hoping for friendship. And acceptance. And what do I get? Abandonment. Loneliness. When is it Fez’s turn?” — Fez
  2. “You’re watching me live my life; that’s better than any movie.” — Jackie
  3. “No, wh-what is it now? You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?” — Kelso
  4. “You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That’s right. Consequences, my friend. Now my car’s gone, and Red’s high as a kite.” — Eric
  5. Red (to Eric): “What did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?”

Eric: “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

  1. “Women are never done with it, son. Anything wrong you do, they sit on it for 25 years, like an egg. And then it hatches – on Superbowl Sunday.” — Red
  2. “What are the popular kids doing tonight?” — Kitty
  3. “The beautiful cannot be held responsible for the havoc our looks create.” — Jackie
  4. “I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die.” — Eric

This article was originally published on