The 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide

As I was enjoying my yearly February delicacy of an entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mints with a side of Pinot Noir, I realized that one thing was missing…the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue. I debated on whether or not to do another one of these since last year I got a few death threats, and the words “fat cunt” thrown at me by some extra special folks. But then I said what the hell? Death threats and insults regarding my lady parts are the spice of life.

Presenting my 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide…

No need to buy this one, I can make it for you. I’ll just grab my grandma’s kitchen curtain and some of her old mesh footies. Where’s my sewing machine? Oh, that’s right, I don’t sew. You’re on your own then.

Can someone please help her with the shoulder straps? I don’t thinks she knows she can use both. Eh, who cares about that other shoulder anyway. It lives on the edge.

Here’s the ugly bastard child of a one piece/two piece bathing suit orgy mixed with Heroin.

Cowboy up, motherfuckers. Where’s my badge and my piece? Nothing says class quite like boob fringe.

I call these “Play Dough Squish” because that’s what my hips would look like protruding through those side straps. Like little tiny hot dogs. Feel free to grab some ketchup.

The modest ass flosser for those who like it up the ass… but not too far up the ass.

We need a hose and a shirt for this gal. Sand up the ass is never a good thing. I bet her nipples are nicely exfoliated…or bleeding. As a side note, that hair and sand on her back is itching the shit out of me.

“These rocks look comfy. I think I’ll just spread out here for a nap.” Said no one ever. I’d have a floppy, post-breastfeeding boob coming out one side and would most likely fall into the water behind me. Or perhaps just be washed off ‘a la whale’ by that big ass wave in the background.

Are you going to get in that hammock or just stand there looking pretty? Get the hell out of my way so mama can lay down. Since you’re up, be a sweetie and bring me a vodka on the rocks.

All photos via Victoria’s Secret. Obviously.