The Art Of Peeing In A Cup While Pregnant

by Christina Antus
Originally Published: 

A pregnant woman spends 10 out of 10 doctor visits washing her hands because of urine samples. Peeing in urine sample cups after 36 weeks should be an Olympic event. The sheer amount of skill, and patience that it takes to get anything inside this cup would have to be the result of years of dedicated training.

The trouble with this is the size of a third-trimester belly and the actual lack of size of this cup. It’s like trying to get a single drop of urine on the head of a pin with a blindfold on. The art of cup peeing dates back to whenever they discovered that:

  • Pregnant women carry a sufficient amount of information in their pee.
  • It would be funny to watch a pregnant woman try to do this.

Things that are easier to do than pee in this cup:

1. Become president of the United States with a major in nutrition and a minor in animal sciences.

2. Hug a planet.

3. Correctly pronounce most of IKEA furniture names.

4. Get a Capri Sun straw out of its wrapper.

5. Build a fully functioning rocket with tape and popsicles. That goes into orbit.

6. Catch a naked toddler running down the hall at bath time.

7. Win the Tour de France riding a unicycle.

8. Get either of my cats to use the litter box correctly.

9. Not see a single political ad anywhere during election season.

10. Stop Old Faithful from erupting with a single piece of chewing gum.

If I were more familiar with the laws of physics, I’d be able to tell you why. All I know is at this stage in the game, every time I try to pee in this cup it shoots in 40 different directions. Suddenly I’m a one woman fountain show in the bathroom.

When the nurse casually asks me if I’ve left my urine sample for her, I gladly tell her I did. In the cup, on the floor and all over the toilet.

I washed my hands though.

Related post: I Hate Being Pregnant And I’m Not Apologizing For It

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