The Best of Scary Mommy in 2015

As the year draws to a close, we thought it would be a good idea to look back on our most popular posts from 2015. We have one goal with every story we publish at Scary Mommy: parenting doesn’t have to be perfect, so let’s cut the shit and keep it real.

Our best hits from 2015 are no exception — from wondering how the hell does the Duchess of Cambridge look glam-ready mere hours after giving birth, to exposing what marriage is really like when the kids are off with Grandmom for the night (hint: Netflix, burritos and sleep); to gathering our glitter encrusted pitchforks for the hell on Earth that is Justice; while simultaneously flipping off the person who added us to the Facebook group full of essential oils pitches and Jamberry insanity. Parenting is hard, and we’re trying our very best not to raise assholes, so dig in to this year’s favorites and we’ll see you in 2016.

Princess Or Not, How The Hell Does She Look Like That?

I mean, I get that [Kate Middleton] has a platoon of hairstylists, make up artists, and God only knows what else at her disposal to make herself look wonderful, but for cryin’ in the mud, the woman just pushed an eight pound, three ounce baby out of her vagina. And then a mere ten hours later, looks like she spent the day in a spa, and got a baby as a thank you gift. Good God. Read more…

10 People You Will Hate After Giving Birth

Remember when you were in your third trimester and all your close friends and family members started talking about how they were going to come and help you as soon as the baby was born? Well, what they didn’t tell you is that by “helping,” they meant that they wanted to come over and fawn over the baby while you drag your tired ass around the house doing the chores you thought they meant they were going to do. Isn’t that helpful? Read more…

What Marriage Is Really Like

Marriage is sitting reluctantly through a documentary about gold-mining, but not impaling yourself with the remote control.

Marriage is someone reminding you that you’ll feel better if you go out and exercise, even when you’re pretty sure you’ll feel better if you eat a donut.

Marriage is sometimes flipping someone off after they turn around. Read more…

10 Things I Want To Say To My Gynecologist

Where are my parting gifts? Hello, SWAG bag? Do I get ANYTHING after enduring that type of poking? A visit to the dentist scores us a new toothbrush. The eye doctor sends us packing with free contact lenses. What do we get after a visit to the gynecologist? A big, fat nothing. Even a George Clooney sticker would be nice. Or a discount coupon for laser hair removal. Read more…

10 Things I Thought Were Caused By Bad Parenting; Before I Had My Own Kids

Want to know how many times I’ve said “I can’t understand you when you whine” to my kids? 5,273,926, give or take a few. Seriously, kids don’t whine because it works. They whine because they like the sound of their whiny voices. And because Caillou. Read more…

10 Tips For Staying Sane And Not Raising An Asshole

But now that we are three and a half years into child Number 7, I think I’ve gotten most of the kinks worked out. And since most of us aren’t going to have seven chances to get it right, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned along the way. Sure, you can do your best and still end up with a problem child. But if you want to give yourself the best odds of producing a human being who is not a total asshole, and also make it through the first 18 years of his or her life with your sanity (mostly) intact, here are my top 10 recommendations. Read more…

A Letter To My Children About 50 Shades Of Grey

Tonight, I succumbed to peer pressure (exactly what I caution you NEVER to do) and went with a bunch of girlfriends to see Fifty Shades of Grey. I ignored the little voice in my head that implored me to just say “no!” because, after all, it’s just a silly movie, right? Well, I wish I had done as I always tell you to do and given that voice credit because it was right. The thing is, I’m also kind of glad I didn’t because now I have these words for you. Read more…

What You Don’t See When You Look At The Fat Girl In A Bathing Suit

But really, can you judge how healthy a woman is by the thick, fleshy curve of her hip? Does being a size 12, 14, 16 alone really mean my days are numbered? Is this the only answer that matters? Those who want to judge are much more apt to assess my healthfulness based on the number on the inside of my bathing suit versus the number on the paperwork from my doctor’s lab — they believe the measure of a healthy woman is the measure of her thighs. Read more…

The Hell On Earth Known As Justice

Suddenly, even the American Girl store sounded downright delightful. I even mentioned it out of desperation, but she demanded Justice! How did this happen? I’ve been so careful, steering her towards the classics: dresses with cute leggings, twin sets, ballet flats. Everyone knows Justice is the gateway drug to Wet Seal, and I’m not having it. I mean, I like a little tasteful sparkle – what girl doesn’t? But I really didn’t want her dressing like a walking Bratz doll. Clearly, one of her fashion-forward little friends got to her. Those bitches! Read more…

3-D Lashes, Jamberry And Other Ways To Lose Facebook Friends

I will lose my shit if I am added to one more damn Facebook group. What is with all these groups? Am I a friend or a prospect? No means no. I don’t want to go to yet another party in my neighborhood to make small talk with a woman I’m pretty sure I flipped off in the carpool line earlier today. All while you guilt me into buying yet another purse I will never use, just because I stress binged all your spicy Buffalo chicken dip. Again. Telling me there will be “plenty of booze” is not an incentive. I can drink at home, believe me, and I don’t have to put on pants. I bet you want me to wear a bra and everything. Not happening.

You know who never asks me to put on pants? Amazon Prime. Read more…