Currently I have a little voice inside of my head trying to convince me that it’s a good idea to have a third child. This part of my brain has no memory of the past, does not listen to reason, and is driven only by the biological desire to reproduce. Sometimes this little voice is loud and convincing and then I try to talk my husband into having a third child. And by talking him into it, I mean, I’ll say something like, “I really like that name for a baby, don’t you?” And he looks at me and says, “You’re crazy if you think we are having a third kid.”
I’ll give you some examples of the types of conversations that my Little Voice and my Real Brain have sometimes. I may come off sounding a little crazy, but well, I’ll own it…
Voice in my Head: Getting pregnant was so much fun!
Real Brain: Scheduled. Charted. Timed. Mechanical. One time your husband said, “If it’s possible that we conceived right now, that child is going to be the Devil’s Spawn.” 9 months later, baby # 2 showed up.
Voice in my Head: And babies cost hardly any money! I mean their food is free and you already have all of the baby items you might need-I’ll bet another baby would be practically free!
Real Brain: Are you high?
Voice in my Head: Oooh! But don’t you remember how great you felt when you were pregnant?
Real Brain: Umm, No. You ate approximately zero food for about 15 weeks, and then you transitioned directly into having such severe heart burn that you had to sleep sitting up. You also had heart palpitations, cankles, acne, and contractions every time you walked up stairs. Should I go on?
Voice in my Head: Maternity clothes…so cute. You looked great in everything!
Real Brain: Remember that one time when you were 6 months pregnant and you became hysterical in the Target dressing room because that size XL maternity dress was too tight? Right? Thought so. Your yoga pants didn’t even fit at one point. And small objects had begun to orbit you.
Voice in my Head: It was so much fun to have conversations with strangers about the baby! Everyone was so excited for you!
Real Brain: I’m pretty sure if you tell someone you are having your third child while living in one of the most sustainable cities on the planet, that instead of an emblazoned “A” on your chest it will be a huge “3” and strangers will mock you.
Voice in my Head: But labor was a piece of cake!
Real Brain: Okay, you’re right. Not so much drama there. But lets talk about when the epidural wore off. And the stitches, those were fun, right? Or how about Floyd the Hemorrhoid, who actually got his own name. Mesh panties, remember those? The horror show that was pooping for the first time?
Voice in my Head: Well, the first time you saw your babies…so magical. You fell in love the second you saw each of them.
Real Brain: The first time you saw your babies, the only thing you could think of, besides that fact that the doctor was currently spending some quality time using sharp utensils on your hoo-ha, was that the babies looked weird. And wrinkly. And just like your father-in-law.
Voice in my Head: Your husband will be excited about another baby, eventually.
Real Brain: When you got pregnant with the first and showed him the pregnancy test, he said, “But I wanted a bike.”
Voice in my Head: Breastfeeding was such a beautiful bonding experience.
Real Brain: Bonding or Bondage? Were you even there?
Voice in my Head: That sweet baby smell. Those feet. Ooh, and my favorite-the way a newborn stretches into themselves when you pick them up. Those adorable little grunts and nuzzles. Dreft. I miss the smell of Dreft.
Real Brain: Oh shit. You’re right. The Dreft gets me every time.
So, in conclusion, if I ever get pregnant again, we can all blame the Dreft.
Still wondering: How Many Kids Should You Have?
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