29 Things My Toddler Does That An Adult Would Be Jailed For

1. Removing his pants on the playground.

2. Hitting the baby on the head with a wooden hammer.

3. Riding the dog.

4. Pointing his penis at people while making laser noises.

5. Intentionally peeing on friends.

6. Pulling hair.

7. Pulling down a woman’s shirt and yelling “I WANT BOOB!”

8. Pooping in the yard.

9. Repeated malicious destruction of property.

10. Hitting strange children with sticks.

11. Saying “I kill you” to friends, parents.

12. Hitting the dog with a light saber.

13. Peeing on the floor in Target.

14. Eating an entire box of cookies while walking through Publix.

15. Removing his pants in Target.

16. Removing his pants on school grounds.

17. Removing his pants in church.

18. Removing his pants.

19. Ignoring all “do not enter signs” and “keep out” barriers in museums.

20. Touching the paintings at art museums.

21. Attempting to pee in art at art museums.

22. Sneaking under the ropes at TSA checkpoints.

23. Taking his pants off at TSA checkpoints.

24. Hitting his brother with sticks, metal objects.

25. Throwing rocks at children.

26. Removing his pants at a state park.

27. Ignoring all social mores about spraying fully clothed bystanders with hoses.

28. Attempting to climb on fire trucks.

29. Exposing himself to small children, yelling, “I HAVE PENIS!”

Related post: Dear Toddler, Screw Your Tantrums