Ask Scary Mommy is Scary Mommy’s advice column, where our team of “experts” answers all the questions you have about life, love, body image, friends, parenting, and anything else that’s confusing you.
This week … are you attracted to people you didn’t think you’d be attracted to on your FYP on TikTok? Have your own questions? Email firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Scary Mommy,
I know a lot of people joke about TikTok making them question their sexuality, and it’s really making me question mine—but I’m not joking. I’m a woman, happily married to a man, with three great kids. I’ve never really given my sexuality deep thought or consideration, though now I’m starting to realize and accept that I might be in a heterosexual relationship, but I’m a bisexual person. I’ve never hooked up with a woman (no, not even in college) but I’ve always felt it was possible, you know what I mean? And scrolling through TikTok every night makes me sad I never acted on it. I don’t feel repressed or like I made a mistake or anything. I mean I am, unfortunately, still attracted to men (lol). But I’m also definitely attracted to women and have found myself fantasizing about them more and more. Do I need to explore this? Should I bring it up in therapy? Do I have to tell my husband? Am I cliche?
Welcome to the Kinsey scale! I kid, I kid. But really, for most people, sexuality is fluid. While everyone has a general orientation (heterosexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.) you’re not tied to that orientation in any specific limitation. There’s always room for orientation to expand.
While there are plenty of light-hearted videos where people joke about TikTok “making” them gay, it’s important to note how personal the TikTok algorithm can be. It’s very specifically curated, and while you may share a lot of the same videos as everyone else on your “For You Page,” it’s still an intimate compilation of videos presented to you based on your activity and documented interests.
Are you a cliche? Maybe. But doesn’t that just mean many, many people are also experiencing the same thing? That’s pretty cool, in my opinion. A lot of people are realizing that their sexuality doesn’t have to be rigidly dedicated to any one specific type of person—there’s so much room for lots of different, beautiful people!
Another thing about your sexuality is that it’s your sexuality. You don’t have to reveal it or discuss it with anyone unless you want to, or if you feel safe enough with a person to do it. You can be bisexual and married to a heterosexual man. Again, there’s room for many, many different things on the sexuality spectrum. It sounds like you’re already seeing a therapist, and if this is something you feel like you want to explore there, go for it. If you’re OK with accepting your attraction to women while remaining contentedly married to a man and don’t feel the need to go deeper than that, well that’s cool too. You can label your sexuality if you want to. You can simply just consider it fluid if you want to. There are no rules; you get to decide how or if you want to handle this newfound realization/acceptance at all.
Fantasies are a wonderful place to explore these desires—that’s why they’re called fantasies! I encourage you to not shut this part of you away or feel any stress, worry, or shame about it (if you start to go down that road, then yes, you might want to bring it up in therapy). Listen, TikTok lesbians and bisexuals are hot AF. Let them troll you down fantasy lane and enjoy.