Toddler Course Catalog: Spring 2015

by Raquel DApice
Originally Published: 

Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester. If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register.

Pants and How Not to Wear Them. This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms and/or cold weather) and gives you helpful tips on how to fight back. Bicycle kicks not working? Mediocre results with your tried and true method of shrieking, “NO PANTS! NO PANTS! STOP, STOP, STOP IT!”? Let our team of experts (i.e. 4-year-olds) take you through the steps of “adamant refusal.” (Wednesdays and Fridays, 6PM-9PM)

Pulling Things off Shelves with Abandon. This class will once again be held in the campus library, much to the dismay of the librarians and custodial staff.(Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7PM-9PM)

Intro to Toddlerhood. New to toddlerhood? This class allows you to get a firm grasp on the basics before pursuing a specialized course of study. Guest speakers cover such perennial topics as: Opening cabinets full of dangerous cleaning solvents; Sneezing in the mouths of loved ones; and Goldfish Crackers: The art of competitive eating. Master the art of smiling innocently while crushing avocado into the dog’s fur. (Mondays and Wednesdays 12PM-4PM)

Annoying Shows and How to Constantly Ask For Them. Missing out on Calliou? Craving a nine-hour loop of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? Start watching what you want to watch when you want to watch it! Back by popular demand, this course teaches someone with a vocabulary of under 70 words how to bully a full-grown adult into submission. (One Week Intensive: Monday-Friday 1PM to 8PM)

Where to Leave Legos So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark. Hoping to cripple the two adults who’ve put their lives on hold so that you can have a meaningful childhood? This class will give you hints on where to play (ideally right where people are trying to walk) and tips on how to casually leave toys where they’ll impale themselves in the feet of people groggily walking to the bathroom. Legos not provided. (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 7PM-9PM)(Prerequisite Class: “Where to Leave Small Matchbox Cars So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark)

Introduction to Not Sharing. Back by popular demand, spots in this class are incredibly limited and fill up quickly. Sign up now and the space is yours and if you don’t sign up now, too bad, someone else got to the spot first and no matter how much you cry or yell that you want a spot in this class you can’t have one.No. We’re not giving you a spot. This is our class, you can go take a different class. (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12PM-3PM)

Walking Slowly. Class begins at 4PM and is held in a building 200 feet from campus down a road littered with interestingly-shaped sticks and little pieces of paper. Anyone arriving on time receives a failing grade. (Wednesdays and Fridays, 4PM-6PM)

Climbing Out Of Your Crib. Still crib bound? This activity-intense class is perfect for the toddler who’s tired of looking at her dangling mobile and would much rather be walking around her room opening Vaseline jars or sticking ball point pens into electrical sockets. (This could be you!) Our instructors train you in traditional crib-departure techniques (i.e. standing on a bunch of your stuffed animals until you can get your leg over the rail) as well as answering questions such as “Does it hurt to land on a hardwood floor?” “Could I bounce out of the crib using my mattress as a trampoline?” and the perennial, “Can the mobile above my crib hold my weight and theoretically would I be able to swing out of the crib like Tarzan?” (Wednesdays 8PM-4AM)

Intro to Food Refusals. Master the art of turning down perfectly delicious, high-quality food because “it’s touching other food on the plate” and/or “there are little green things in it.” Let our professionally-trained in-house chefs prepare a five-course meal for you to push away, hurl on the floor, or smoosh into your hair while screaming. (Mondays and Thursdays, 6PM-9PM)

Intermediate Art. The fact that you don’t fully understand language doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say. This time-tested class is considered by many to be the perfect venue for encouraging self-expression using nothing but glue, permanent markers and your parents’ upholstered furniture. (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12PM-3PM)

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

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