The past year has been all about togetherness. We have bonded as couples and siblings and parents and just families in general. There have been days-long Monopoly tournaments and 5,000-piece puzzles. We have learned remotely and juggled work. Maybe you went rogue and shaved your head or colored your hair blue. Even stuck inside, you tried to live your best life. But all good things must come to an end. Am I right? Are you ready to move out? Or kick somebody else to the curb? If we don’t get away from some of these people soon, there are going to be major consequences.
I think we can all agree that if we have been so lucky, we are grateful for our good health and that of our loved ones. But as much as we love these people, they are also driving us fucking nuts. Have you noticed your husband humming that grocery store jingle every 30 seconds? Oh, you have? And is it now stuck in your head? Yep. There it plays, over and over and over. And he does this every damn day, all day long. He comes out of the bathroom humming. He scrolls his phone at the dinner table humming. He’s even starting to do it as soon as he wakes up. He deserves to have his eyebrows shaved in his sleep if he doesn’t stop, doesn’t he? Yep, we’re right there with you.
How about those clothes that you positively can’t look at your girlfriend wearing for one more second. She loved that t-shirt in college, but now, it’s got to go. She may have washed it this week, maybe not. She’s got a big case of the fuck its! Who does she have to impress? Sure, she’ll throw on the dry shampoo and clean top for a Zoom. But there is no way she’s putting on any pants. Sound familiar?
How about those kids chewing? Are you done with that shit yet? They put sugar-blasted cereal in their mouths and just chomp and chomp and chomp. They don’t close their lips, they just let that milk dribble onto their shirts and they rub it in with their dirty, sticky fingers. How have you never noticed this before? What happened to their manners? Do they act like this when you’re not around? OMG. They probably do! Oh what you wouldn’t give to pay a babysitter to watch these people for an hour so that you could get away from them?
How’s that water bill? Have you noticed that the only time that you have away from anyone is when you are in the shower? That hot, steamy box is your retreat. The shampoo, the body wash, the cleanser, it’s heaven. You may have even started shaving your legs everyday so that you can get a few extra minutes away. No one is judging. Hit that shit twice a day if you can. Just get a super thick moisturizer to ward off dry skin from the hard water.
You’ve noticed that you and your partner have started looking alike, haven’t you? Your hair looks the same. You’re wearing matching sweatpants. Perhaps you’re fighting over who gets to wear the good pajama pants at night? Maybe it’s time to head to a hotel for the evening. Alone …
Nothing sounds better than a trip to the pharmacy with a brand new prescription that is going to take at least 30 minutes to fill because they can’t get ahold of your insurance company, right? Slap on that mask, slather your cart with sanitizer and walk those aisles like you’ve never been out of the house. Spend as much time as you want comparing the prices of popular toenail fungus creams. Count all of the varieties of vitamins and supplements. Fill that cart with overpriced snacks and off-brand cell phone accessories. This is your time. You deserve it.
You don’t ask your spouse how their day was anymore, do you? No, you don’t. Because you already fucking know how it went. You were in their line of sight all goddamn day long. There is no need to ask any questions at all anymore. Quite frankly, you could probably not speak for a week and everything would be fine. Come to think of it, that sounds divine. Maybe we should pretend to be monks for a while and just shut it all down. That sounds like a ball!
We probably don’t really want to move out. Yet. But it’s pretty clear that most of us could use a little break. In many places, the weather is starting to get better and we can be outside more. Lots of people are getting their vaccines and it’s becoming safer to widen our circle a little bit. Places are reopening, most with restrictions, but there are options to get back to a little bit of normalcy. Most people are ready for that. We just have to remember to be smart and to be safe. But in the meantime, fair warning. If you so much as hum one note while I am enjoying a Diet Coke, alone, on the patio, I will throat punch you.
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