Fake Ad Promises To Completely Hide Your Body So Society Will STFU For Once

by Jerriann Sullivan
Scary Mommy black logo with a red crown illustration

The Transparen-she allows women to navigate society’s impossible standards by completely hiding our bodies

Getting dressed in the morning could be an easy task if we ladies would just learn to fulfill strangers’ expectations before leaving our homes. Thanks to fake science, there’s finally a product to help us out. Meet the Transparen-she. It completely hides our female bodies since it’s impossible to adhere to society’s double standards.

“Can’t determine if society wants you to be a virgin or a whore?” star of Vox’x “informercial” Liz Plank asks. “Now you don’t have to choose. You can be neither, because your personhood will literally disappear.” Fantastic! “Common solutions like people minding their goddamn business or letting women live can take years of training,” Plank says. “But with the Transparen-She, the results are instantaneous.”

“For our invention, ‘scientists’ have woven society’s simultaneous expectations of sexiness and chastity into a space-age fabric,” explains Plank. “When you combine these two impossible double standards, they create a visual void that we call ‘A Woman-Hood,’™ completely eliminating the need for a woman’s presence.” The fake product promises instant results by literally hiding our bodies.

She’s got some great examples of when the Transparen-she would come in handy. Like this CitiBank employee who wouldn’t stop wearing super sexy turtlenecks, pencil skirts, and fitted suits. And by now we’re all aware that rape and sexual assault won’t happen if women dress right, just ask the police.

We’ve got some more examples of women failing to achieve the contradictory, vague set of dressing standards we’ve put together for women. Like this teen girl who was forced to wear a teacher’s jacket after committing the grave crime of wearing a prom dress while being curvy. Or this teen girl who had the audacity to not wear a prom dress. Clearly, pants are only for men!

If you’re a woman, then you’re familiar with the impossible standards put on us. Nothing we wear is good enough. And our daughters aren’t immune to the never-ending body shaming our gender elicits. They need to know that wearing skirts can distract their male teachers and that it’s definitely their fault. With so much to remember it was a matter of time before the Transparen-she was invented. Good thing it’ll only cost us each $400 to snatch one. Don’t worry, ladies, it comes with a complimentary mini Transparen-she to cover our heads. Perfect for those days we decide to punish the world with our natural, make-up free faces.