It’s not his looks that draw me to him as much as the way he is with other people (he’s that guy who knows someone everywhere he goes and will strike up a conversation with the person standing next to him in line at the grocery store), the fact that he’s such a good father, and because he treats me in a way that makes me feel so important and special.
Our sex life is off the charts and I’ve never experienced anything like it before. I feel safe in the bedroom with him to be myself and ask for what I want, and he constantly tells me how much he loves it, which hasn’t been the case for me in the past.
I’ve been with a few men who laughed when I tried dirty talk or told them I wanted them to be more aggressive.
These past few months, my thoughts and fantasies while we are having sex (and only when we are having sex) have taken a strange turn: I can’t stop thinking about him with another woman. It turns me on so much, and now it seems like the only way I can reach orgasm is if I’m thinking about him getting a blow job from someone else, or riding them like his life depends on it.
This isn’t something I’ve shared with him, or anyone for that matter.
I’m not sure what this fantasy is all about, because the reality is, if he did cheat, I’d be devastated and leave him. I have no desire to have a threesome, either. Actually seeing him touch another woman would hurt me deeply. Sometimes I think I’m not worthy of him and he will probably get bored and leave me. These are my deep demons and insecurities; everyone who’s around us tells me it’s clear he is laser-focused on me (as it should be).
I’ve started to wonder if these thoughts are weird, but then I self-correct because I know that sexual fantasies aren’t an indicator that anything is wrong with me. We all have things we fantasize about but wouldn’t actually do.
After doing some research, I discovered that “cuckqueaning,” or a woman watching her partner have sex with someone else, is a fantasy that I share with other women, which is kind of a relief. In fact, I have a friend who told me after her husband cheated on her, it fired up a spark in her that had been dead for a long time. She found herself sexually attracted to him again and it renewed their sex life for a spell.
It made me look back on my own marriage with my ex-husband and do some digging. When he stepped out on our marriage, I did want to have sex with him after that, and it made me feel strange. It also lasted all of about a week.
I certainly didn’t watch him have sex with her, and I didn’t hear a sliver of the details or even let myself picture them together. But I can’t help wondering if this is where this fantasy sprouted from.
Did his affair do damage to me in that I subconsciously think everyone will cheat on me — and if I imagine the scenario in my head, if I “beat them to the punch,” so to speak, that it would lessen the blow if it were to happen?
Or maybe I am secretly afraid to be with one person for the rest of my life and this is a way to keep me on my toes without having to deal with any of the emotional leftovers that will be sure to follow if I played out this fantasy for real.
After all, a fantasy is so delicious because we get to control everything and play it out in a way that feels safe and comfortable to us.
After trying to sort this out for a few months, I’ve decided something: I am a sexual woman who enjoys experimenting with my partner. I want to be faithful, I want him to be faithful, and if I fantasize about something to get me off, more power to me.
I am allowed to think about whatever I want; it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me, or that I need to figure out the ins and outs of what’s going on in my head.
We fantasize about other people — have a work crush, maybe — but we don’t act on it.
We fantasize about running away from our families, but we don’t act on it.
We fantasize about throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store when we’ve had a shit day and they are out of our favorite coffee or chocolate we’ve been looking forward to, but we don’t act on that either.
Sexual fantasies are cool, they are ours, and there’s nothing wrong with having thoughts about doing certain things with consenting adults.
For now though, I’ll stick to the choking, spanking, and dirty talk. I know myself, and I can’t handle actually watching the man I love having sex with another woman. But I can handle thinking about it whenever the hell I want.
Because, for now anyway, it’s doing wonderful things for me and my orgasms. And there’s nothing wrong about that.
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