10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

Post-Baby-body

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

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3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

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8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

About the writer

Anna Luther is the mom behind the blog, My Life and Kids, where she strives to make you feel better about your messy, crazy, fabulous life. Find her on Facebook, on Pinterest and Twitter @LifeandKidsBlog.

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andrea 3 months ago

Im never having kids
Oo
~

Robin 3 months ago

I meant upside down or opposite of how they usually do it.

Robin 3 months ago

I just love reading this stuff!! Makes me laugh so hard (silently) while my 4yr old co-sleeps beside me…eyes are burning and tears are running down my face into my ears! Mine are cow udders and my last one did a number on my cervix… So much so that my doc had to put the speculum in the way to do the lovely pap.

Test18562 5 months ago

Or you can douche it using an enema before the birth

Mel 8 months ago

I love you for writing this! I is my old pre-baby body and when I read all these articles about how your body “bounces back” after baby, I started to feel more bummed about these permanent changes for the worst, and I call bullsh*t on the bounce back! Thanks for confirming that I am not alone & helping me get a good laugh about it!

Laura 9 months ago

I have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for #9 and #10. someone else gets it.

Danielle A 9 months ago

I was 2 stitches shy of having my very own vasshole. I actually like to say vajass-hole. It sounds extra graphic. Yikes. It took me a year and a half to recover/be able to have sex again! That includes 8 months of pelvic floor physical therapy, and I also took Valium for in order to have sex for the first several times. I think my next has to be a planned c section. It makes me want to batman-meme slap a bitch when they say “but that is major surgery.” So is reconstructing your entire vagina/colon, asshole!

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Yup me too. Except mine is 20 months old and lifts or pulls down my shirt in the stores as well

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I’m crying and laughing! This is so hilarious, but it won’t be, I know I’m next! The eye part is killing me.

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Oh, I was having a really bad day until I happened upon this page. I love you for making me laugh out loud for the first time in….probably before having kids. I could have written this myself if I were tons wittier than I actually am. Ahhh, it’s funny because it’s true. All of it!

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Christie 12 months ago

My DS named my breasts Nee Nee’s and talked to and played with them as if they were his breast friend. They had grown from a respectable C cup to a HHH and never went down. One day while getting dressed but naked at the time, I bent over. An awful traumatic sight for me but my DS yelled “My Nee Nee tree!!” and latched on – all while I was still bent over. Sadly the Nee Nee tree is one of his favorites and he’s like a ninja. I have to be very very watchful when getting dressed or I hear an evil giggle right before the “tree” is attacked and I have an extra 35 pound appendage hanging from them! God bless us all for torturing our bodies in effort to bring forth that perfect child that will change the world. Now I must go and pray he only uses his powers for good.

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maria 12 months ago

That eye-thing, yes!! My whole face got less symmetrical after birth. My straight teeth… one front tooth is now longer than the other, my lips are slightly crooked, one eye is bigger than the other and when I get tired my right eye starts wandering inward. I’ve had classes of students grow silent and with horror. Everything is just off. Not in a very noticeable way, but I notice. Maybe it’s hormonal?

My boobs are now bigger (sorry), so I never got to fit into my old cute sweaters. I actually liked my B-cup, I now have a C-cup and a storage for a pencil under my boob. My hips got bigger too, so those cute old pants are off-limits. My skin got really, really irritable. It would range from a cute “winter’s walk blush” to “post-apocalyptic landscape” from day to day, but it always felt like there were lice under my skin. I lost my midsection… I am now more square. I also have varicose veins on my ankles and there’s something odd about my hair. It’s just… not my hair. Oh, and my belly is still a pouch. I run, I do yoga, I try to eat well… but the pouch stays. I think I’ll implant a zipper and call it a wallet. The babyweight is staying too, four years post-partum :(, and I got mommy-arms.

Sigh…. my other mommy-friends are 4 to 8 years younger than me (the ones that had their baby around the same time)… and they fit into their pre-pregnancy pants within two weeks. It’s not fair 😉

But in all fairness (and I think you could agree), I got a few more laughlines around my eyes, I got a sparkle in my eye and more patience, a softer face (not fatter, although, that too… but softer, like soft-focus). We’re mommies… it’s beautiful in a different way.

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Frances Raffensberger 1 year ago

Love this website. Ok on to my post baby wtf parts. I can agree with the elephant. Omg I looked after all three. Checking if it was completely destroyed. Scary as hell looking, but some type of miracle happens &always weren’t back to (somewhat) normal. On to my boobs. I never had much but after breastfeeding 3 they are decent size. If only they would both be the same size. Hell I’d be happy with the different size if my nipples would be at same level with each other. In all my post baby body isn’t completely horrible. Still considering new boobs though.

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LMAO! Especially about the vasshole! I feel like my breasts or more like Ziploc bags filled with soup that have sagged and wrinkled. It’s a problem when your nipples graze your belly button. I feel like a woman on National Geographic that should be pounding grain in a wooden bowl with my jiggly soup bags swaying to and fro.

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OMG YES! The eye thing.

I noticed it recently in photos, I couldn’t work out when I developed the popeye squint….now I know.

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April 1 year ago

I agree! -#6 needs a new job, but hubby said no. So I wear bras oversized to hide the shrivels. 3 kids ruined mine!!
Oh well! What can you do? Lol gotta love the body that we have post kids!!!

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cj 1 year ago

This is funny. I just have one question though- do you like having children, or not?

Becky 1 year ago

My boobs are like tangerines in tube socks. I tell people my bra size is a 40 long.I also tell them I gotta roll them up and tuck them in the cups for a proper fit. My tata’s are affectionately known throughout my family and friends as two ferrets fighting under a blanket. When my nippies get hard, the ferrets are “baring their teeth”.

Raise your glasses high to peeing while you laugh, cough, sneeze, or even sleep. We are saggy, we are achey! We are sleep deprived, we are crazy! We are Mommy!!! HUZZAH!!!
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Shannon 1 year ago

Love this, the whole damn thing! I have been crying, and laughing so hard!
When my DD9 was younger she came into the bathroom while I was in the bath tub. I was shaving my bikini area with a leg in the air. She definitely saw everything before I could get my leg down because she exclaimed, “Oh my God Mom, what happened to your butt!” I just looked back at her and said, “Kids.” Which was not the right way to say it because she then replied, “kids did that to your butt?!” Horrified I spoke more clearly, that after having babies the body changes.

Catherine 1 year ago

I too have a small perineum which tore…completely. I just refer to min as the vaganus. I currently baking baby #3 and am soo NOT looking forward to the return of vaganus!!

jazz 1 year ago

Not only did I laugh until I cried, I then studied my face carefully in the mirror and HOLY FUCK my left eye is bigger than my right!!

pooktook 1 year ago

Jay jay and sad old man i cant stop laughing

She who will one day be a mom 1 year ago

Your a vasshole

Crystal 1 year ago

I tore from hole to hole too, no I don’t have a short perenium I just have huge ass babies. Then a nurse told me I didn’t need a sits bath….. Huh? I got one from the doctor. Mine healed up nicely, and I checked out my baby spitter and it looks pretty good to me.

Tiffany Ehrlich 1 year ago

I just laughed so hard reading this.

Raychel Elysabeth Brewster 1 year ago

I gave birth a week ago, so this was hilarious in a bitter sweet kind of way. :)

Jennifer McGenity Kuhtz 1 year ago

Yes #7!!! What’s up with that???

Winter Dove 1 year ago

haha…the giant vasshole

Quesha Chanel Matthews 1 year ago

Great laugh to start the day.

Emily Lepore Wencel 1 year ago

Vasshole I love it

Kelley Dagner Martinez 1 year ago

Unfortunately, yes. To all of it.

Beth Allison 1 year ago

Thanks for this! I needed that this morning

Joanna 1 year ago

I refer to my boobs as tube socks filled with quarters. And my stomach could be used as a map for your next vacation!!!! Any moms out there lucky enough not to get stretch marks?? Out of me and my two sisters I was the only one to get them! That’s BS!!!!!! Lol.

Patricia Essien 1 year ago

I nearly died laughing!!! :)))))

Abby Summer 1 year ago

9 and 10 are hilarious

Tatiana De Los Reyes 1 year ago

Hilarious! C section for me, so no crazy Vagina!!!! Stomach is an other matter, I could fit my 14 months old back in if I wanted too!!!

Ana Lisa Hess 1 year ago

Lol hilarious!!

Rebecca Nesson Bissegger 1 year ago

This is freakin hilarious!

Addie Dunlap 1 year ago

Sooooo funny it nice to hear that truth from others

Harmonie Friday-Scofield 1 year ago

Lol! #6. I died laughing!

Jesse Murphy 1 year ago

My lady part is perfect becasue I was blessed with a c-section but my stomach however looks exactly like an ancint old lady’s face but sideways. Some days I’m so disgusted by it I refuse to even look at it or touch it because I just can’t…I feel like crying…oh well I guess.

Donna Boyd 1 year ago

So funny – I had a good chuckle to myself!

Cassandra 1 year ago

I already had big sweater kittens, but now I’m breastfeeding for the first time and I’m up to an E cup size. I’m young and already my hoo-ha looks like the dangling jowls of a hellhound. I can applaud with my beef curtain, even!

Lisa Malott 1 year ago

I laughed so hard a a couple of these but I will never say which!

Annette Harvey Young 1 year ago

Don’t forget having to perform a kegel when you feel a sneeze coming on.

Marjorie Valenzuela 1 year ago

This is absolutely hilarious.

Barbara Kalogeras 1 year ago

Don’t worry cutie, it only gets worse from here!

Jani Eshleman 1 year ago

This is really funny

Katerine Whattoff-Hall 1 year ago

You forgot to add peeing yourself every time you laugh too hard or sneeze…now I have more laundry to do. ROTFLMVO (rolling on the floor laughing my vasshole off)! Anne, April, Sharde…thought you’d enjoy these too!

Kim Dean 1 year ago

Oh my god this made me laugh so hard! There isn’t a share option from my phone or I would share it!!

Meghan Nims Finch 1 year ago

Oh how I empathize with the vasshole. Adult diapers anyone?

Melissa Hurlbut 1 year ago

OMG I lost it when I got to vasshole. Hilarious! and sadly true

Meagan Kerr 1 year ago

Meredith Kerr-Brown….how’s ur elephant? Baby carrots anyone? At least u don’t have a vasshole!

Sarah Whitehouse Davis 1 year ago

Omg vasshole lmao!!

Becky Harding Horne 1 year ago

Embarrassing but hilarious. Thanks for sharing that. I thank my lucky stars I have avoided a couple of these issues… so far. Like the minivan.

Wendy Wise 1 year ago

This was so funny, it made me cry. Perhaps it’s because it’s SO true!

Martina Galvin 1 year ago

Vasshole…. makes me ever so grateful I had 2 c-sections!!!!!

Janet Adkins 1 year ago

my husband did not find this entertaining in the slightest

Amanda Buffington Bankston 1 year ago

Bahahaha

Valerie Owens 1 year ago

Oh holy hell, I laughed my vasshole off.

Stephanie Jensen 1 year ago

Omigawsh that was hilarious!!

Meghan Houston 1 year ago

Vasshole. I just died.

Carla Whipple 1 year ago

Lmmfao!!!!! Tears Rollin out my eyes…omg!!!

Belinda Conley Risher 1 year ago

So funny I cried and I think my vasshole sharted!

Cindy Minnick 1 year ago

Still love this

Sabrina Allen 1 year ago

That was hysterical !!!

Laura Wright Rock 1 year ago

Silent crying laughing. Vasshole

Jessica Crawford 1 year ago

Sooo funny!

Jessica Rice 1 year ago

Hilarious

Korena Swiger 1 year ago

Seriously, just laughed my ass off!

Danielle Mackintosh Vieville 1 year ago

LMAO!!!! Ohhhh we are some lucky ladies ………i hope to heck i dont get the wonky eyeball thing!!! ……i could also do without the vasshole !!!!!!!

Amber StDenis 1 year ago

Other than having a minivan I think I’m ok lol

Bridget Gately Loar 1 year ago

I just laughed till I cried

Noemi Munoz-Hernandez 1 year ago

Too funny!!! And sadly true

Charlie Richter-Seefeldt 1 year ago

Oh dear God number one and number eight made me laugh so hard I was crying

Anne Delles Ramsdell 1 year ago

So funny…

Jennifer Kohler 1 year ago

Lol pass the boob around the car!!!

Monica Seuferer Mesecher 1 year ago

Hilarious! I love it!

Cassandra Heaps 1 year ago

Love the term vasshole!

Dawn Aumiller 1 year ago

Hilarious! I am crying laughing about the passing of the boob….

Chris Mckelvey 1 year ago

Funny

Tara Green Biagiotti 1 year ago

Holy crap. YES!

Lindsay Solie 1 year ago

Oh so funny and true!!

Kristy Honeycutt Brennan 1 year ago

I just sing. Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over you shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do you boobs hang low?

Ginni Lowe 1 year ago

I about died laughing.

Doni Hoss 1 year ago

Lol, omg. Joy.

Holly Janney 1 year ago

Omg…..sooo true

Jessica Levee 1 year ago

Tears of laughter!

Amanda Hineline 1 year ago

this made my night!!!! soooo hilarious!

Christine Bos 1 year ago

Danielle, our future: carrots and vassholes

Anne Jacobs 1 year ago

Hilarious, thank you!

Donielle Crawford 1 year ago

I love how brutally honest this is. Hysterical!

Amber Hicks 1 year ago

I die laughing every time I read this!!!!

Tracy Travers 1 year ago

Number effing nine!! Holy sh_t!! Pissed my vasshole laughing. I have that after 1. No way am I going back for seconds 😉

Julia Chesney 1 year ago

Hysterical! Dough ball, not muffin top

Dee Roybal 1 year ago

Number 9!!!! I dying cause im LMFAO!!!

Jonni 1 year ago

You are hilarious! I literally just spit food on my laptop I laughed so hard. It was the passing of the carrots to the back seat that got me.

Tapioca 1 year ago

Speaking for most moms, we don’t regret it. Not one bit because motherhood is a blessing and like nothing else you could ever experience. Just need a little room to encourage and uplift each other sometimes about the bodies that we do love but have less time to maintain. Don’t worry..once you meet your little one, you’ll understand but you ll also realize how much it’s all worth it. 😀 Stay blessed.

Kmouhot09 2 years ago

This is probably the only man posted comment that will ever be welcomed with appreciation on a mommy blog.

Vita 2 years ago

Props to all the moms out there! My husband and I hope to only have one child. I think after 3 or 4 kids of course your body is going to be different. But the way I look at it, it’s like I just have to accept the fact my body is going to change, and I should not waste my time to comparing my body or life to “before the baby” because that just sounds depressing. Instead, I plan to focus on the positive – if I can even get pregnant in the first place, the baby turns out healthy, and I am healthy. Sometimes I pee my pants when I laugh too hard and I’ve never gotten pregnant. Stuff happens! lol

Ashley 2 years ago

Are you serious?? The changes she described are what happens when you have children. It’s not a matter of “letting your whole body turn to shit”. Having children = changes in the body. I’m a 27 year old mother of three and I can relate to most, if not all, of the changes she mentioned. I didn’t “let” my body do anything. My body naturally changed after carrying and birthing my children. You can use all the creams, work-outs, supplements, whatever that you want, but there is no way to stop the changes that DO and WILL happen after having kids. As for being the reason men cheat, that’s just an excuse. Any man who would cheat on his partner for that reason isn’t a man. A man understands that his partner’s body changed so she could give them a family. He doesn’t hold it against her. I am so thankful for my loving and FAITHFUL husband of 11 years. He would never disrespect me like that!

Krystle 2 years ago

I did laughing…twice…pow! Right in the vasshole! Lol

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I keep reading post like this on this site and I’m literally crying because it sorta confirms what I’ve heard from a friend women regret having
kids after doing so. I’m going to have my first one in June and these post make it seem like my life, body, and sleep is over. Misery sure loves company.

Panniculectomy 2 years ago

OMG this cracked me up! I don’t often actually laugh out loud when I read something. I don’t know anything about the shirt perineum (I’m thinking, Thank GOD)…but I do know about skin apron and let me tell you, it’s worse than a muffin top. Can we say Panniculectomy????

Holly M. 2 years ago

Oh my God, vasshole!! I lost it, too funny.

It’s me again 2 years ago

I’m sorry, this is really crass. I know everyone has “damage” of some sort after childbirth but this sounds like it was written by a 12 year old boy. Come on now…. If you are going to write, writ with some class.

Mrs.H 2 years ago

OMG, i needed this. I have also had three vaginal births and I swear to god it felt like every post-pregnant woman besides me looked amazing. I thank you for this, it’s nice to see humor in something that’s been plaguing me for 5 years. Cheers!

momma22boys 2 years ago

LMVHO! (laughing my vasshole off)…Yes, so many things change post-baby. My feet grew 1/2 a size.,,WTF…I weigh the same but clothes fit way differently. My hormones are all over the place and my youngest is 3 years old…and the stretch marks, my god the stretch marks….

MissUnderstood 2 years ago

That was hilarious!

Joanna McDowell 2 years ago

I call my stomach a jelly belly

Jenn 2 years ago

Oh no, don’t jump to that conclusion! There isn’t a mom on here who would trade one of her kids for any other body in the planet! If you’re already thinking of another one at 3 months you definitely should have more (most of us are so zombie-fied and still remember childbirth too well to think of it that early! Lol!)

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Brittani Jorgensen 2 years ago

Hahaha, I laughed so hard at this. It's great.

Natalie 2 years ago

Ahahah vasshole!! That had me cracking up!!!

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Patty Heasley 2 years ago

TEARS running down my face!!!! Thanks so much for the laughsssssssss!!!

Jackie Wayne Fleming 2 years ago

actually Colleen lol that also happens after two kids lol

Billie Jones 2 years ago

That is so F***ing funny!

Shanna Chamberlain 2 years ago

I snorted…

Sheila 2 years ago

It’s so true and so sad. Women have to be crazy to go through what we go through to create life.

Kathy Kwitschau 2 years ago

doesn't work already tried it and at that price I expect to see results

Ambyr 2 years ago

How does this happen? Mine blew up to DDs and never went down! I swear I’m willing to donate to anyone that might need a bit of a boobie boost.

Meghan Conetta 2 years ago

I only have 2 and it happens! LOL

Michelle Saunders 2 years ago

My left eye is bigger than my right eye!!

Aileen Seely 2 years ago

6, 9, and 10 had me laughing so hard I scared the baby lol.

Kitty 2 years ago

i fuckin died laughing. like, i had tears pouring out of my eyes and i peed a little from having to stifle my laughter so my kid didnt wake up. lmfao!!!! note to self, stay off scarymommy after bed time.

Lyne Merida Barczyk 2 years ago

9 & 10……….Hysterical!!

Jill 2 years ago

omg…. yes. DONT bend over without a bra on. You will never look at those torpedoes the same again. lol

HD 2 years ago

Oh thank God, it’s not just me. 😉

Debbie Walker 2 years ago

Still laughing ….

Denise Dimsoy 2 years ago

Funny. When you stop laughing till you cry, consider this. When your body was almost perfect, you were totally dissatisfied and could hardly find a good word to say about yourself. Now that you are flawed, you will have to learn to look into the mirror and see beyond the physical imperfections into the beautiful soul of the woman that shared her life and body. Become beautiful again, this time from the inside out. PS Form fitting garments are your allies.

David Acham 2 years ago

My dear ladies, I think that more men need an eye opener and to appreciate what women go through, their bodies and how they feel about themselves we need to be more active and supportive. I tell you though you certainly do make it look easy even though I am aware of most of the changes and have a fair understanding, your comments have been an eye opener……. I have always known that women in many ways are stronger than men and have been the best multitaskers long before the lingo was invented. I honor and respect you all, be blessed.

Denyse Goddard 2 years ago

Funny . One of my eyes does seem bigger than the other .lolp

Dawne 2 years ago

I am SO sorry that there is no room for HUMOR in your life, janice.

The Rampant Rabbit 2 years ago

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Kbjiara 2 years ago

Still breastfeeding 😐

Shannon 2 years ago

Agreed Dawn. I have the same # of precious ones as u do, all vaginal, all breast fed. Hubby says that it feels the same as well. I just look at him like “What happened to his “member” that makes it feel the same?”

My oldest son came up with the comment at 3 years old that “his boobies were bigger than mommies.” I was about 5 months pregnant with my second son at the time. I still think about that & he just turned 12 in August.

Molly 2 years ago

Thanks for putting me off the whole idea. This all sounds horrific. There should be more information on the realities. Would do no harm in helping decrease our over population problems too.

Marcia Morrissey-Smith 2 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The other night, at dinner, IN A RESTAURANT, my husband said to me, "I can't tell if you're looking at me, or over my shoulder past me . . .". I said, "I'm looking right into your eyes! You can't see me looking at you??". My crazy, post-birth eye must have been acting up. As for the baby carrots . . . I ended up with raisinettes. ;}

Cheri 2 years ago

OMG, vasshole, I almost died!

Kathleen Bene 2 years ago

Love this. Is it sick that we relish each other's misery? Or more feed off of it and are somehow happier knowing other mom's are going through the same thing? Keep writing mama, I'll definitely keep reading!

Kathleen Bene 2 years ago

Love this. Is it sick that we relish each other's misery? Or more feed off of it and are somehow happier knowing other mom's are going through the same thing? Keep writing mama, I'll definitely keep reading!

Leah @ The Informal Matriarch 2 years ago

I think it’s great that we can come at this from a standpoint of humour. It’ll be a beautiful day when women stop being ashamed of their post baby bodies and subsequent life altering “embarrassments” such a minivans.

My undercarriage is a HOT mess after having babies and it kinda sucks but the stigma of saggy breasts and stretchmarks being something less than appealing. It so needs to change.

Cins 2 years ago

I have told my man the same thing!

ANNA 2 years ago

OMG…TOO FUNNY…THERE IS A POOL OF TEARS IN FRONT OF MY LAPTOP ON MY DESK FROM ALL THE LAUGHING THIS HAS CAUSED…THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR MAKING MY DAY…AFTER 5 KIDS IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO MAKE ME TINKLE AND THIS MADE ME DAMN NEAR FULL ON PEE MY PANTS!!! :”’-D

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Kim 2 years ago

OMG Becca! I. Am. Dying. Here. I solemnly swear to remember during cold and flu season to hold my legs together when I cough so I don’t experience the “tampon torpedo”. Priceless!

Trinette Lynn 2 years ago

OMG I just laughed til I cried…shared with the hubby and laughed some more. Have not gotten past number 1

Trinette Lynn 2 years ago

OMG I just laughed til I cried…shared with the hubby and laughed some more. Have not gotten past number 1

Brandi Ren Axford 2 years ago

Hilarious!

janice 2 years ago

Amen!

Lyn OShell 2 years ago

the uneven face could be MUSSES.

Lyn OShell 2 years ago

the uneven face could be MUSSES.

Julie Hicks O’Mara 2 years ago

Or someone with a sens eof humor…

Joey 2 years ago

OMG! The brutal truth is hilarious and eye opening. We were on the fence about a second child, my first is 3 months old. Its been hard work but I’ve pretty much sprung back to pre-baby shape after a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. Its taken a lot of exercising and 120 lb weights on the inner thigh machine. Eesh! After reading this I AM OFFICIALLY OFF THE FENCE! We’ll stick to our original “only child” plan. I’m bookmarking this for when I get weak…

HD 2 years ago

The word vasshole made me laugh so hard I got scared I’d wake the kids and husband up. I’m sitting here now with teary eyes and a tingly nose from laughing so hard I cried. My Gosh, what fun. I had a C-section so my parts are pretty much the same as I started out with except for gross lack of use. Where does the sex-life go?

Clarissa Miller 2 years ago

I didn't need stitches after birth I did kegels my whole life someone said that helps and I'm still really tight

Jamie 2 years ago

Gosh call me crazy but it makes me sad to read all of these negative body comments. Maybe I’m not getting the joke?? So I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I like my 3 kid body!! (And just a reminder that all of the saggy or small breasts are healthy good breasts and we should probably be a lot nicer to them.)

Trisha Dux 2 years ago

I can totally relate to most of these, having had my 3rd child 5 months ago. Thankfully, I have found a way to help the mommy tummy and the poop issue!

Conscious Woman, Inc. 2 years ago

This blog post must have been written by a man who hates women. Frightening what gets posted on the web these days!

Jeanette Lester 2 years ago

Deborah – I was just about to post that I had the eye thing when I saw your post. I also was diagnosed with hypotyroidism after my first child, but never heard about the connection to the eye! Can you give me some details or direct me to some info please!

Gill 2 years ago

I’m just crying with laughter at these!

Amelia 2 years ago

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I will make certain to bookmark your blog and will often come back down the road.
I want to encourage that you continue your great job, have a nice afternoon!

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R 2 years ago

Get a better husband.

Kim 2 years ago

Shellia Oh my GOSH!!!! What the….!!!! So freaking funny!!

Fairfield House 2 years ago

And to think, just as you finally get comfortable in your post children body, Menopause will kick in. 😀
Enjoyed your post!

Sasha 2 years ago

wow….reading your comment was hilarious.
P.S. Am a mom to a 2 year old and often wondered whether I just did not take enough care of applying anti-stretch cream on neither my boobs (which looks like an elastic band stretched out of elastic now and all wrinkles!) nor my tummy with a c-scar (an elephant now)

Heather 2 years ago

I got a boob job. My boobs were AMAZING. And then surprise baby happened. Now I need another boob job. :/

Deborah Burton 2 years ago

about one eye bigger than the other….maybe you should get your thyroid checked… hope I am wrong.

A totally different Rachel 2 years ago

This made me laugh, and I don’t even have kids yet! Why are people getting nasty and rude about it? Of course your body will never be the same! The author of this little article isn’t saying let yourself go and no longer give a f***…she’s joking! I mean, of course try to take care of yourself as best as you can, but you’ve got little ones now, so they are obviously (well, hopefully) gonna come first. And for the prick who said men cheat because their women don’t have a c section…wow. Do you realize what’s going happen to you as you age? Sagging testicles, erectile disfunction, hair loss, not to mention getting a gut that makes you look like the pregnant man. And do you hear any of the woman saying, I’m gonna cheat because my husbands balls aren’t what they used to be. It’s idiots like you who give men a bad name! And it’s people like the uptight Rachel that gives Rachel’s a bad name! Lol. Well jut so you all know, I actually new this was a joke, I laughed, I am NOT uptight, and despite the bodily changes, I’m so excited for when the time comes for me to have babies :) Some of you ladies are hilarious lol :) Have a great day everyone!!

Shay Jordan 2 years ago

I am cracking up over here LOLOL…I can relate to the vasshole hahahhaha!

Sally Brown 2 years ago

I have wraps for those areas that tone, tighten and firm post-baby areas! See results in as little as 45 minutes with progressive results through 72 hours! Message me for details or visit my website http://bebodybeautiful.myitworks.com.

Nicole Gough 2 years ago

Just had that sorted. Google TVT-O. I had next to no pain and can do star jumps!

Rustybeth 2 years ago

The eye thing I get! Your eyes do change shape during childbirth. I had my vision change so bad I now wear glasses. I always wondered when looking at funny looking elderly people, how they were able to find a mate and reproduce when, well, they were fugly. Now I know. Fugly sets in after the kids are born. I have hemangiomas on my face that just appeared during my second pregnancy. I lost vision with the first and second, and gained a hiatus hernia. At least I’ve learned that squats are better for urinary incontinence than Kegels.
Bless you for a sense of humor.

Kate Jarvis 2 years ago

This was especially hilarious for me as I have 6 kids and I often looked in the mirror and thought “who is that woman?” Trust me when I say you should message me or check out my website. I have been using wraps to firm and tone up skin and get my body back! My stomach is flat again! My before and afters are unreal :) I think you’d be happy if you gave them a try! kjarvis.myitworks.com

Carson Spencer 2 years ago

Oh god yes.. My stomach. I hate it now. I however don't have an unreconizable vage…. Both my kids were c-sections.

Shana D 2 years ago

I can’t put into words how much love I have for this post. I too made the mistake of looking at what was down below after baby number three and I may have yelled WTF and asked my husband is it always looked like that. He assures me it looks “beautiful” to which I ask if he is smoking crack but as long as it still functions I guess I should be happy. Although I have dropped the Vaginoplasty word a few times.

Michelle 2 years ago

Haha vasshole! LOL! I’ve had 4 kids, stitched with each, currently preg with my 5 th and that is maybe the only thing I don’t have! I guess I should consider myself lucky. You guys crack me up!

Melinda 2 years ago

10 more items to put on the “reasons I don’t want kids” list. Thanks for your honesty, I’m saving this for when my too-young-for-kids friends say they have baby fever, lol.

Shelley Drady Enright 2 years ago

Bwahahaha! I. can’t. stop. laughing! My youngest of 5 (5yrs old) came over to check on me because I was laughing so hard I barely made a sound but my body was convulsing and tears were running down my face. Torpedo. hahaha.

Erica 2 years ago

Am I the only one that got more stretch marks on the boobs than the belly? Seriously, I wake up with zebra stripe beach balls on my chest. I gained 2 cup sizes in pregnancy, and another since my milk came in. They look nice under a shirt, for now. I’m really scared for what will happen when I’m no longer breast feeding. 3 cup sizes of skin is a lot of sag…

Lisa Marie 2 years ago

Vasshole. Snort.

Colleen Coll 2 years ago

U forgot to add that when you cough or sneeze you have to hold your legs together so you don't pee yourself lol (Well that's after 5 children).

how to build muscle fast 2 years ago

Outstanding story over again. Thank you.

Allison Underwood 2 years ago

Oh man, I made the mistake of looking at my vagina after my first child. Yuck! And my boobies, or rather my nipples. Both kids preferred my right one, so my poor left nipple feels like a little stub. Oh well. To quote Al Bundy, "Why be attractive? I'm married with children."

Mario Jack 2 years ago

am back and better.
I promised to tell the world about him that's why am posting this here…all.

thanks to Priest JAYEMA…there are so many fake spell casters out there I.

was more than scammed heartbroken and almost gave up all hope until I met.

with him…now am so happy…
If you have issues mail jayemamagictemple@gmail.com…he sure would help.

you he casts all kind of spells.

Anamarie 2 years ago

My name is Anamarie and I’m here to let you know that with what people say, it may seem impossible, but with what you believe…..NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, I made a promise to Priest JAYEMA and to myself that WHEN he restored my marriage, I would testify and tell the world…I would share EVERY single detail no matter how shameful and embarrassing it would be, in the hope and knowledge that I would someday be able to bring some kind of hope for a hurting wife or husband who would’ve been going through what I once was. I’ll try to be as brief as possible but I really don’t want to leave any detail out…no matter how small, because it may be the very thing the priest wants to use to inspire and encourage a stander or prodigal spouse. I don’t want to apportion blame too much here but suffice it to say we had some in-law issues which contributed greatly to our demise…but that is another story and I want to concentrate on how priest JAYEMA showed up and showed off in the mist of my situation. Today. My husband of 1 year and 7 months left me on November 30th, 2012.But. all thanks and all praise be to God who give power to priest JAYEMA, he is now back home and we are rebuilding a marriage that from all counts and to the naked eye in the natural realm was dead. As far as I could see we were the perfect couple went out together.stayed home together,laughed, joked,we were like two peas in a pod of course we had our regular marital problems.no marriage is perfect.in addition to the above we also. argued and sometimes told each other some harsh words.LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE,it isn’t right but it happens. In spite of all this , I believed he loved me just as much as I loved him.you could imagine my surprise and heart break when one day after a short disagreement and I mean short.lasting no more that a few minutes.my beloved husband packed his clothes and walked out of my life. All this happened on Nov 30th 2012.I held off from calling him because I was still upset and I figured I didn’t do him any harm.he was the one that stepped out in our marriage and on our marriage.ours wasn’t a physical stepping as in outside sex.it was an on-going 5 month relationship on the internet, with someone he had been previously involved with. The days went by and he didn’t call so on December 5th 2012.I called him.he refused to take my calls so I texted him only to be told that he wasn’t interested in me and I should go on with my life.that I should never call or text him again.that was like a dagger through my heart,I felt as though someone had literally ran a knife straight through my stomach and was twisting it repeatedly.but that isn’t the worse yet. I persisted in calling him that same day and eventually he picked up the phone…he was as cold as ice,I felt frightened even listening to him,he told me.I NEVER LOVED YOU,I AM SORRY WE GOT MARRIED,I FELT TRAPPED IN THIS MARRIAGE,I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN SHOULD LOVE A WOMAN,THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU IS THAT OF A “GOOD” FRIEND,I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I’M NOT COMING BACK. I have never felt pain like I did then in my entire life.it is amazing when you are down on luck how quickly you remember looking for all mean to get back you happiness. I cried DAILY AND HOURLY,I felt all hope was gone,I mean how do you get someone to love you again when that person is saying I never loved you at all,YOU CANT.BUT when i contacted this great man, he told me no problem without solution. i have no choice but to give him a chance and see what happen after then, I had built my life around my husband and now he was gone,I felt like I lost the better part of me.I couldn’t eat,I didn’t want to socialize and I forced myself to go to work,but i strongly believe this man, even though all seemed lost, this man was turning my situation around even as I was hurting for the few days he work on me. I knew I wasn’t strong in my spirit and my faith was way less than even that of a mustard seed. I still cried every day but I also engaged in some radical and spiritual warfare for my husband.I use all the stuff priest JAYEMA send to me for 7days quoting what he wrote on the paper as he instructed me to over my marriage everyday. i was just at the sitting room alone thinking of when all this will be over then someone ring my doorbell, when i open the door, it was a DHL agent with some package. i sign and i took the package inside. when i open the parcel, it was my husband that sent me a gift. and a letter. what he wrote on the paper was I’m really sorry for all that have happen. the next day he was proud to just walk back and admit that he was wrong but he wanted to so much….. He wanted to give our marriage a chance and he loved me and wanted to be with ME.
I give all the thanks Priest JAYEMA for what he did……it doesn’t matter what your situation looks like.it doesn’t matter how impossible and dead it seems……it doesn’t matter what your husband or wife is planning, just do what you have to do to keep you marriage alive.

if you have any case, please you are very much free to contact him on his email. jayemamagictemple@gmail.com

Erika 2 years ago

So funny! I was laughing so hard my kids came in to see what was wrong. After three kids, I made a discovery – don’t EVER get a full Brazilian wax after multiple kids. Things just don’t look right, I was so disappointed after my wax! Trust me, trim well but leave a generous strip of ‘camouflage’ fur. The thing I think that bothers me most through is my tummy. I live in Hawaii, so beachwear is a part of daily life. No matter how much working out, dieting, core yoga or effort I put into my tummy…. she still looks like grumpy cat.

Tracy 2 years ago

just a hoot!!!! lmao

Dawne 2 years ago

OMG. I cannot stop laughing. 6 kids here, all vaginal deliveries. ALL breastfed. Pancakes, muffin top, varicose veins, all of it..and the WORST THING? Hubby says it feels the same to him “down there”!
WHAAAT??

Angela 2 years ago

I haven’t laughed so hard in a really long time – unfortunately was reading this at work, and had to explain why I’m crying at my desk! Thank you!

Angela 2 years ago

I’ve been laughing uncontrollably at all these comments, but Stephanie, you just sent me into a whole new fit of hysterics with how you lost your phone… bwahahahahaha!

Peggy K 2 years ago

I notice there is not date on this post…and can only say I’m so glad because this is timeless!!! So very glad I came upon your blog (please don’t ask how. I just found it by clicking here and there).

I’ll be back for more!

Aubrey Bock 2 years ago

I love you Anna. This is the most true thing ever. My poor boobies. I call myself Olive Oil. I lift them up to place them in their holders every day. And don't get my started on my legs and tummy…. 8lbs and 9lbs babies were not kind to those parts. But they sure are cute… :)

Jenn 2 years ago

Utters!

Jess 2 years ago

@ Body is in tact

Save your judgement for something you have the right to judge about! Moms need a few minutes to escape from running around after children (and sometimes gripe to each other). Just because a mom isn’t in great shape and doesn’t feel like getting dressed up, doesn’t mean she doesn’t take care of herself the way you think she should. It means her kids come first. I’m a mother of three and my life seems quite similar to this writer’s! I eat healthy (because you can’t be deathly ill and run after toddlers), I go for walks with a stroller and two older kids in tow. But sometimes, I just feel like lazing around in pyjamas while I play on the floor with Thomas the Train, do laundry and have small children vomit on me. Your slightly rude assumptions aren’t warranted and you should try commenting on something that you have the slightest notion about.

Jess 2 years ago

Now, how about those stretch marks that start at my boobs and repeat in every direction, sometimes even criss-crossing allllll the way down to the mid-thigh area? THOSE are the best. Sometimes I go to get into the shower and actually scare myself. It’s like Freddy Kruger got at me three times over (hence my favourite and totally medically accurate term: Kruger Tummy)! Don’t worry though. I take off my glasses and the stretch marks mostly disappear! If only the same were true for the water balloon-esque fat rolls that all too often try to escape out the top of whatever elastic waist pants I’m wearing. *sigh*

will die laughing 2 years ago

Holy hannah, I just about peed myself with this one :)

patti 2 years ago

That is the funniest thing I habe heard in a long time

Peg 2 years ago

This 66 yr old grandma is laughing so hard. A lot of memories from ‘those days’ come to mind. But, I must warn you, you haven’t seen nothin’ yet!!! Thanks for the laughs!

dawna 2 years ago

lmao omg all of this is sooo funny!!! my toddler is in bed and im trying so HARD not to laugh out loud, but I thought I should share my name for my ta-tas lol.. seems to me that when ever I am bent over all I can think of is cow udders!!! they just have that look to them and since I nursed for 15 months it seems only fitting lol

Doreen 2 years ago

OMG! I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants!!

Shawna 2 years ago

This is amazing! After my first one my boobs flattened out like pancakes too, so I decided to get a boob job…it worked great…until I had the other two…now instead of two little pancakes, I have two huge whoopee cushions (minus the air)! I think I may have to save this article so here in a couple years I can have my daughter read it (you know, birth control).

Body is in tact 2 years ago

Honestly I’m glad you feel better talking about your elephantitus of the vagina and all that but did women do that to you? You’ve put across quite the picture of what it means to be a Mom and thanks to you I’ve made my decision not to be one. I appreciate that. I also don’t quite understand this business about not having anytime when clearly there was time to write all of your complaints out. Even by your own admission you weren’t a looker before. Maybe a little effort will get you back in shape. Don’t neglect yourself because your kids get a broken you that way.

Jessica 2 years ago

Very funny…but not always true…I write this because it seems to be inspiring fear in some (as in, “I’m never having children after reading this!” – not that everyone needs to have kids, I’m all about reserving childbearing to those who will enjoy it, thus fostering some population control)…
I used to think that your body would be ruined after childbirth – it terrified me so much that I didn’t think I would want to do it myself…
Then I got prego and had a babe – and it was awesome! I felt great, had fun during pregnancy, ate really well and conscientiously, exercised and rubbed Burt’s Bees Mama Belly Balm on the rising loaf religiously everyday…
and I hope I don’t inspire hate, but I pretty much look the same as before I had a babe – zero stretchmarks (I mean I got stretchmarks on my ass when I was like 12, but not from pregnancy?), boobs were smallish before, didn’t get monumental during pregnancy – but did get bigger, breastfed for 2 1/2 years, they reduced after that, but pretty much look the same, and tummy smooshed back down to normal, butt and legs actually got a little smaller, actually looked pretty great in a two-piece – (now right after birth, ouch – tummy was mushy and had a huge gaping gap from the abdominal wall separating, couldn’t poop for almost a week, had stage-two tearing, vag hurt for at least 6 weeks, so not all fun and games), but then everything cinched up pretty fast after that…so ladies it is possible to come out relatively unscathed :) – I can assure you that I did not get a vasshole (but the leg veins are annoying;)
BTW – baby #2 is due in July…expect the same outcome this time 😉

ace 2 years ago

I want to thank all u moms and yes I’m a father of 5 you all are beautiful women agian thank you

Michelle 2 years ago

I would like to know who took it and just HOW did they get a picture of my butt??

Amanda C 2 years ago

You forgot the constant peeing of your pants now that you have no bladder control from vaginal births. Or maybe that’s just me :( I wasn’t so bad after one kid, but now that I have had three I cant sneeze or laugh too hard with out peeing a little. And don’t even get me started on the time I tried to jump on the trampoline with the kids!

Krista 2 years ago

Apparently we’re all just a bunch of dying, saggy and flat veggies/breakfast foods. I’d say more but my eyes are so filled with tears that I cannot see straight anymore. Maybe that’s my eye issue??

carmon 2 years ago

Yep sand bags are what mine have become! Small ones too! I can’t stop laughing!

Jan davis 2 years ago

Mine are scrambled

LBS 2 years ago

OMG- I am dying! My husband is looking at me like I am crazy but I can not stop laughing! Best post ever!!

Anna 2 years ago

You forgot to add peeing your pants. My “baby” is 8 years old and I can’t sneeze without changing my underwear. She must have ripped the plug right out. Sometimes I’m just sitting around and suddenly there’s a warm stream. I actually thought it would get better as the years passed, and if I kegel that sucker enough….. But nope! I love my daughter and my stretch marks, lack of bladder control, sharts, and all the other awesomeness that goes along with motherhood!

LesleyLou 2 years ago

I’ve read through a great deal of this and am shocked that no one else calls them beaver tails….to me they are so obviously beaver tails hanging from where my boobs use to be!

Shelley Brammell 2 years ago

This is the scariest thing I’ve heard…*shudder*

Shelley Brammell 2 years ago

Love it! I too have a short perineum (just had to spell check that word) 3 kids and one huge ridge scar later I live in fear of a massive bowel movement that will rip it again. My oldest is 20 and I’m still scared of my perineum. Thanks for the laugh!

Danielle 2 years ago

Hysterical. I cried laughing and thank God bcs i was about to cry over something else for real when I spotted this on Pinterest. Absolutely hysterical! Esp. the minivan stories!! Thank you for drastically changing my awful mood!

Jennifer 2 years ago

My sisters & I compare ours to dogs: my sister with 5 kids says her

are Bassett hounds, mine are chihuahuas & our younger sister’s are sharpei’s!

MP 2 years ago

The eye thing happened to someone I know. They eye grew more veins behind it and look a bit popped out. She had to have surgery b/c they were afraid it would pop out. They had to put coils around some of the veins. It worked, but never totally back to normal.

Renee 2 years ago

I can’t stop laughing … so true 😉

keygen for dark souls 2 years ago

This text is priceless. Where can I find out
more?

Amy Dietrich Hernandez 2 years ago

This one made me CRY! Ha ha ha!!!

Angela 2 years ago

Oh my gosh I think I just peed my pants! Speaking of which that wold be in my top tenlike seriously when I laugh too hard, sneeze, cough what doesn’t make me tinkle?

Lori LuLu 2 years ago

Hahahahahahaha

Lori LuLu 2 years ago

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Lori LuLu 2 years ago

Totally agree! I hope when this guys balls start to sag down to his knees and he has to start wearing a nut-bra and his pubes turn white, that he can’t sleep at night wondering if his wife is really out cheating on him instead of being at the PTA meeting that she told him she was going to. Moron!

Lori LuLu 2 years ago

My question for you Rachel is this: Why do you feel it necessary to be a Debbie-Downer and post your negative post having to tell everyone how much you don’t like this article? If I don’t like something, I just “walk away” from it and go on my merry way, I don’t feel the need to chastise people about such trivial things as this. Are you like one of those people who don’t believe in God, therefore you want everyone else to not believe in God so you try to get all references to God removed from our schools, TV programs, buildings, etc.? Why can’t you live and let live? You assume to think that everyone on here has low self esteem and disgusting bodies because we choose to laugh at something we can relate to. Having a jacked up Vajayjay post birth or peeing yourself every time you sneeze or cough can’t just be magically fixed under the knife like a boob lift. Obviously, being healthy is so much more important than perky boobs and flat bellies, oh and P.S., not everyone can afford to “get work done. Personally, I just really don’t understand why you felt the need to gripe and complain on a public blog about something you could have just walked away from, but hey, thanks for your opinion that nobody asked for. Hope you’ll accept my opinion as well as you want everyone else to accept yours.

TheShitastrophy 2 years ago

I am now adding Vasshole to my list of made up words that rock!

Rebecca 2 years ago

OMG… This is awesome…. Laughed so hard, all so very true!!! I began with a full C before kids. I became larger with each pregnancy a G/H now completely none nursing 4 kiddos I now have FLAP JACK PANCAKES!!!!

Momma3Boys 2 years ago

I seriously snorted after the vageroid!! All of the above is also true for me. 2 csection scars and one vasshole! I am sitting here by myself thank god or I would have A LOT of explaining to do!! Thanks Ladies now I don’t feel so alone!! :)

They Call Me Mummy 2 years ago

Poor phil… Now scarred for life ;p

They Call Me Mummy 2 years ago

Leslie – teaching you a new “v” word makes Anna a newly-crowned Jedi.

Anna – I am howling. HOWLING. As for the eye thing: one isn’t bigger, it just looks that way due to the perpetual twitch, brought on by persistent nerve-twanging by those daaaarling offspring of ours…

Sarah 2 years ago

Your husband must be a lucky man.

Dawn 2 years ago

I am a non-mom, who is wanting to become a mom, after reading this I may have to rethink this mom thing. JK but I really dont want to start sharting from a vasshole

Janice 2 years ago

A physician I work with just told me about FUPA recently! lol!

Janice 2 years ago

I refer to mine as little ski slopes cause there’s no more tissue left at the top and so they slope down any you could jump off at the nips!

Chrissy 2 years ago

Truly…why? I just pretended nothing had changed below my boobs. Lalala…what…you say I had a traumatic c-section with an incision that was too small for my baby and the doctor (not my doctor…this lady was SATAN in scrubs) pulled him out of it anyway, causing lateral tearing inside and out? What? I can’t heeeeaaarrrr youuuu! Lalala

Steph 2 years ago

Oh my gosh! I Ferrell so much better about my sudden asymmetry now! I thought it was a brain tumor or stoke, but now I know what it is! Can you make a name for this child induced quasimodo syndrome please. people need to be educated!!!

Kay 2 years ago

I can’t laugh out loud cause I’d wake my family, but on this discussion of boob looks I haven’t actually named them any shape. But this is to me what I always thought after 2 kids 10 years and 1 week exactly apart. I feel that they’re in a race to see which one reaches the ground first for me to step on. It looks like my right one is winning it’s already sagging to my waste and the left is mid-stomach. When bent over even slightly. I guess I feel as though they are like loose sandbags. I feel like a young old mom. Oh and my toddler has no problem playing with them especially in public. What’s up with that and am I the only one who’s baby will be sitting in the grocery cart trying to play with them. Yet again makes sense on the fact that they’re big blobs even in a bra, and I’ve always been graced being a large breasted female I was d by 20. I tell my hubby I’ll be happy to cut them off and give them to him since he wants to play with them I however, could care less. Sorry too much, but maybe some of you will laugh and relate.

Erin 2 years ago

My eye did that too!!!!!!!!!

Dana 2 years ago

OMG I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD.

Of course, I’m pregnant with my second and doing it all over again. My boobs have become “angry pancakes” with my first, and I’m sure they will now be “angry fried eggs” after this one!

It’s just too bad that the angry pancakes smack me in the face while getting at it, making it hard to concentrate on what I SHOULD be concentrating on instead of a black eye!

Amy 2 years ago

My 3 year old daughter best described my post-breastfeeding boobs (if you still want to call them that) for me. Of course, at 3, it was completely unintentional. I got out of the shower and as I reached over to grab my towel, she comes into the bathroom (I really need to start locking the door). She looks up at me and says, and I quote “mommy, when I grow up, and my boobies are “long” like yours, will I have to wear a bra too?” I think I actually wept a little. And laughed. Hysterically.

Beth 2 years ago

So funny. I soooooo want to be around when you hit menopause. Please write about that too :)

Avery 2 years ago

Oh my good God. This makes me NEVER want to have children.

KristenD 2 years ago

Laughing so hard I may ACTUALLY die laughing and Sooo TRUE!!!

Cosette 2 years ago

There’s a lot more to this decision than just what will happen to your body. Do you have friends with kids? Perhaps you can take them for a day, and reflect on whether or not you would want every day to be like that. Of course, it won’t be the same as having your own, but you could get a better sense on the moment to moment experience.

Having a child isn’t for everyone. It can bring us so much joy and fulfillment, but that’s not a universal truth. It’s hard enough when you have a husband to help and when you hoped and dreamed of having a child. You’re about to go through a very difficult time finding your independence, and having a baby can complicate things immensely.

If you’re shying away from parenthood on something as relatively minor as your appearance, I wonder if you want it enough to withstand all the other travails coming your way. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, on all fronts.

Amanda 2 years ago

Best thing I’ve read in forever! Thanks for the laughs ladies! I am a mother of four and can total relate to everyone!

Pam 2 years ago

While I have found this entire post most definitely amusing, I lost it completely on this comment!!

Sheryl 2 years ago

I am laughing so hard right now, tears are coming down my face, this list is fantastic!

Dr. Love 2 years ago

and… i’m cancelling my wedding. thanks. no really. i’m not signing up for that.

Stacie 2 years ago

My boobs now clap together going downstairs,a sound my husband can actually recognize as clapping I might add

Julie 2 years ago

Lol, I guess I was lucky in the boob department, after 2 kids mine aren’t half bad. BUT and there’s always a but! What happened to my BUTT I mean this cute high and tight thing is not so cute and high and tight. And I wouldn’t hate it so much except I look like my mom and I swore I would never do that! Lol, I get in those “moods” where I’m gonna do squats, lunges and walk up the 3 flights of stairs at work. Yeah that lasts for maybe 2 weeks!

Ash 2 years ago

#10 – I remember taking my 16 month old son into a washroom with me. When I was done my “busness” he looked into the toilet, and said loudly, “Ewwww mommy, you stinky and so is your pooo!” then proceded to yell, “FLUSH FAST…I’m dying!”

Jane 2 years ago

I now have to wear “special” attire when I hit the golf course, because every swing of the club is a gamble.

Zebb 2 years ago

Disgusting.

Janet 2 years ago

OMG…vasshole, that is hilarious! After #1 was born my OB was explaining the tear that I had, I stopped him in his tracks and asked very matter of factly “just tell me, did I rip from cooter to tooter” The look on his face was priceless :)

amandarin 2 years ago

All of this made me happy that children are not/will not be a part of my life goals. Thanks ladies for your wonderful descriptions and talking so fondly of yourself!

mar 2 years ago

Hilarious!!!

Amber 2 years ago

This was the most worthwhile comment on the page. Thanks.

gloria 2 years ago

What I can’t figure out is we have all nursed our babies and our boobs show it…whats up with all the info about “breast feeding doesn’t change them”…who wrote that crap? A wishful thinking man?
Cause after 4 kiddies my girls are tired!

Erin 2 years ago

I seriously don’t know what is funnier…the list or the comments!! You all have me laughing so hard I wish I had done my kegals!! It’s all so spot on…
We always say my boobs hate each other when I lay down because they run different directions from each other. When they’re in a bra they must be “breast” friends because into they always give me the dreaded uni-boob…

Marietta Roby 2 years ago

EVOLVING!

Marietta Roby 2 years ago

I will say that even though I did not birth any children myself, adopting two of them has done its own damage to my body. I have an eye twitch, which didn’t used to be there. And arthritis in my hands from clenching them to keep from strangling someone – mainly my husband whose great idea it was to adopt children. “It will be so rewarding” he said. And I too, have the muffin top, or maybe the whole damn bundt cake, only mine is fueled by vodka…late at night when everyone else is in bed. That’s me, holding down my twitching eyelid with an arthritic finger while sucking screwdrivers through a straw.

Cheryl 2 years ago

Ro, you are not alone on this one, mine went away it took awhile but I don’t have those ‘nipple pimples’ anymore. :) When you find someone who loves you for who you are as a whole person inside and out you wont hear that again.

Sarah 2 years ago

Oh my gosh….that’s hilarious!! So happened to me last week!

Dominique 2 years ago

I am a man….. This was terrifying….we might adopt.

Amber Argyle 2 years ago

I gave birth to my first son three times. Once when the vacuum popped off and he popped back in, once for real, and once when I had my fistula/rectoplasty.

The kid is changing my diapers when I’m an old woman. After all, he ruined the plumbing.

Michelle 2 years ago

The bent over boobs are torpedo tits!! They are pancakes when you lay on your back and deflated balloons when standing straight!

shane 2 years ago

Girl- all these things are exaggerated, in 25 years my wife has had 4 kids & breast-fed for six years…& from top to bottom everything is the same as it was when she was 18. Don’t let the fear of the external rob you of the joy a child can bring you. You also need to find a MAN-your partner is not one if he is abusing you.

shane 2 years ago

Umm…am I just lucky that after 4 kids my wife has none of these things? No varicose veins, no dry-shrivled carrots, & thank God no elephant or vasshole! Everything is pretty much the same as when she was 18…& I love every inch of her.

Mindy 2 years ago

It’s called a joke… Did having kids suck the humor out of you?

Amanda 2 years ago

OMG!!! Hilarious..

Some Girl 2 years ago

This didn’t help me feel better about having a baby. All of those are my worse fears. I am 11 weeks 4 days and my partner was just arrested earlier at the doctors when they saw all the bruises and cuts on me and they finally got me to admit it was him. He wanted me to get an abortion and I was against it, but I am so scared of theses things, I am now considering to terminate the pregnancy, because apparently There is no escape. I keep reading about how women lost there bodies and now have extra weight and stretch marks to loose vagina’s. I am a model…I cant loose my dreams because of one man abusing me and using me.

Amanda 2 years ago

I think I’m in love with you. LMAO

Verucalise 2 years ago

I like to call mine bowling pins… whenever I get out of the shower and dry my legs, they go from angry pancakes to bowling pins, swinging like pendulums of a coo-coo clock!

Elena 2 years ago

Veru funny. Regarding the eye thing…grave’s disease maybe? My mom had Grave’s post baby and it caused one eye to be larger…

Mike Kirby 2 years ago

You’re not post-pregnant. You’re MUTATING.

Jessica 2 years ago

If you haven’t had your thyroid checked recently, please have it checked out re: the asymmetrical eye issue. I had hyperthyroidism, and the first person to suggest I get tested was my eye dr. My symptom is called exophthalmos, which is basically a bulging of the eyes, but that leads mine to be asymmetrical. Pregnancy can definitely mess with thyroid hormones, so I just wanted to suggest it as a possibility.

Mad 2 years ago

I agree. This is not funny. It’s actually pretty disgusting. I was so surprised at all the positive comments that I did a search for the word “disgusting”. I am 25 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby and I actually like my new curves. Yes, sometimes I feel I could tighten up those curves a bit but jesus! Do some freaking 8-minute abs or kegels or something!
I was a full-time student who worked a full-time job while taking care of 2 children by myself. You know what I did? I got a freaking Taebo video and did it for 30 minutes after the kids’ bedtime. Yeah, bedtime (you’re the parent – make it happen).
Tossing your boob to the back? Why not do some kegels while you’re passing it around so that you don’t cough/sneeze/laugh a tampon out?? That’s so freaking gross! Seriously? Why would you even share that??

Jeanna 2 years ago

I was laughing so hard my 5 month old little boy started laughing too!

Shellie 2 years ago

OMG!Becca I have used pads my whole life I dislike tampons,I have 4 kids and I am 45 my youngest is 4 my oldest is 23.I recently went somewhere where I needed something and my niece gave me a tampon and I was sick and when I coughed it shot out onto the floor.OMg I can not stop laughing.OUR kids better take good care of us when we are really old!

Priscilla 2 years ago

Torpedo. I. cant. even. I’m laughing so much my abs are getting a workout. thanks for both!

Peggy 2 years ago

LOL

Peggy 2 years ago

You Sir are a Vasshole!!!!

Candace 2 years ago

Hahaha! That is so great!

Ashley 2 years ago

Ill never forget the day my son (who was 3ish at the time) walked in on me while I was changing (and happened to be bending over) and said, “Mommy, why are your boobs so long!?” All I could come up with was “it’s your fault!!” Not my finest mommy moment. Haha (didnt make it any more fun that I was only 23!)

Ashley 2 years ago

Um, I had stretch marks from my first pregnancy and my man (who I met when my child was 3) loves me and thinks I’m beautiful regardless! That’s not the reason MEN cheat, that’s the reason ASSHOLES cheat! And you, yourself, said you are one.

Kymn 2 years ago

Love it. So well written, too true. Sigh.

Becca 2 years ago

Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?! I can think of more than one person I’d send off for that!

FRANCISCO OLMOS 2 years ago

THIS POST IS COOL, REAL, FUNNY, AND TENDER! MAKES ME THINK OF “ALL WOMEN”, CHILBEARING, ALL THE PAIN AND SACRIFICE, MY MOM, AND THE GRATITUDE THAT I ALWAYS FORGET!!!!!????? THANK YOU KINDLY…..

Gill 2 years ago

The larger eye may have developed from the silent stare with one eyebrow raised only used when its inappropriate to holler at your child!!! 😉

Leah 2 years ago

The entire Zoup restaurant is trying to figure out why I’m laughing so hard while sitting alone having lunch! I have 5 kids….feeling it with you sister :)

Ro 2 years ago

I found this hilarious!! The comments are just as funny. I too suffer from the acne but I am wondering if anyone else has the nipple pimples?? Those bumps on your nipples can be popped but they never go away!!! Am I alone on this?? Also had a man refer to the sight of my vagina after giving birth as ‘Roadkill’!!

Kristy 2 years ago

One of my eyes is bigger than the other after having my girls. I’ve never heard of anyone else with this problem until now. It is nice not to be the only one!

Debra Pryor 2 years ago

always am struck by the ‘pack’ phenomenon that jumps effortlessly to the fore (in both men and women) when someone (like Rachel) doesn’t have the same ‘ha ha’ response to a post. Doesn’t matter what the subject. human beings are safe in numbers. Don’t know many people who dont feel good when they look good and I don’t mean that in the culturaly stereotyped sense, I mean carrying yourself (and all the floppy bits) in the loved of self way, i’m here, Im alive, I’m me and thats beautiful! clothes can be used to enhance this, but its the intention that embraces it isn’t it? So whilst a bit of group discussion is something which helps with en-lightening the load of self-acceptance/love as we share our imperfections here, collusion of an excuse (having carried, birthed and fed children) justifying a lack of desire to feel or look beautiful thereafter, is also a short hop away…and perhaps that’s all Rachel was feeling an aversion to.

Laura 2 years ago

Lol, love it! So true! But you forgot one……after my 4th child my bladder dropped causing me to have tears coming down my legs. Every time I coughed, jumped, sneezed, etc. terrible!

Tracy 2 years ago

Gosh, you’ve made my day. Tears pouring down my face!!! Thank you…..

Tara 2 years ago

Omg. I am trying to be quiet, but I’m shaking the bed laughing. You had me at elephant and I wept by vasshole. Mind you, for some reason, I’m saying vagasshole in my head.

Amy Patton 2 years ago

I am laughing so hard I am crying (maybe even peed myself a little- you forgot to mention that little tidbit that occurs post childbirth). My husband asked me to enlighten him. I tried. He didn’t get it. Thanks so much.

Darlene 2 years ago

Ahahahaha……I have the whole CAKE!

Told the bestie recently that I obviously over-read Judy Blume’s “Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret” and the sweater exercise because they are deadly weapons. In and out of a bra.

And, I nearly destroyed my computer AND choked to death trying not to spew my drink while reading this list.

Kelly 2 years ago

I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard–and everything is so true! Thanks for the insane laughter–I needed it!!!

Lacri 2 years ago

A man who doesn’t want his wife anymore after she’s had his children won’t want her when she gets old either. No big loss, in my opinion.

We all change. We all get old. Men don’t get any sexier with time either, you know, women are just more tactful.

Lacri 2 years ago

“I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has. I think it is terrible when women give up on taking care of themselves after having a child. You are not setting a good example for your children if you don’t take care of yourself.”

No, that’s not personal at all.

“I believe in being healthy and that we need to take that very seriously.”

How does wearing make up and “having work done” make you healthy, incidentally?

If you want people to like you, try not being spiteful and sanctimonious. Because you won’t be pretty forever (if you ever were).

Lacri 2 years ago

Personality surgery?

Lacri 2 years ago

Oats porridge in a string bag…

diane 2 years ago

My Spanish speaking Grandmother used to say,
“Mi estrrambol eggz”

Shell (Panama-mama) 2 years ago

OK, This is too funny! My eye does the strange big thing too! And it did get worse after baby #3. Think we’re on to something here…

Loretta 2 years ago

Haha. I have notice the weird eye thing on myself. It’s my right eye. I can’t put my finger on what it weird about it but it has definitely changed. It might be from lack of sleep. I also have the freakishly short Perineum – so much so that my doctor felt the need to comment on it and explain to my spouse how freakishly short it is.

And to the commenter who said “no uterus turd is worth that”, yes, yes they are worth it. I would give up my symmetrical eyes any day for my “uterus turd”.

Rebecca 2 years ago

This had me laughing so hard! I did mention to my friends that they should teach this as Sex Ed and it would probably help drop the number of Teen Pregnancies! My breast got larger from a DD to we have something bigger than a J before the reduction! My feet actually shrunk half a size but got wider! Ugh! Thank goodness for C-section so I don’t have to have a Vasshole! Other than that and horrible stretch marks and that tummy flap I got weird allergies suddenly!

Angie 2 years ago

LMAO!! Especially #6 I call mine orangutan titties!

Kitty 2 years ago

Vasshole- OK, laugh at me if you want, but… seriously? Does that happen? Don’t they stitch that up? *horrified*

Dee 2 years ago

Two c-sections, and thankfully no muffin top! Otherwise…dead on!

Lena 2 years ago

HAHAH, OH, MY GOSH KUB! I literally just peed (proud mother of an extremely handsom 2 year old)!

Allison 2 years ago

I am sitting at my desk at work, and have never laughed so hard. I am getting stares. As for the “elephant” my is forever notched! Thanks to some wonderful ripping stitches!

Celeste 2 years ago

Omg! Hilarious and so true! I think your blog has just made it into my morning cup of coffee reading list!

Dawn 2 years ago

My toddler is yelling at me to stop laughing – I CAN’T!!!!

Mary 2 years ago

This is by far the most terrifying description of motherhood I’ve ever read. I only have one (and after reading this I might have to keep it that way.) Thank God my vagina is still a vagina and not an elephant or a vashole.

Julie 2 years ago

I can attest to the eye changing size thing. I figured it was all that sleep deprivation…sleeping with one eye open crap.

Jenny Rose 3 years ago

This is the best thing I have read in so so long. Too funny. Thank you

Amber 3 years ago

Well a lot of us moms are laughing until we pee a little!

Betsy 3 years ago

I told my husband that, after nursing 4 kids, I had to use one of those old school Spam key type can openers to wad um up and put them in my bra!! The “torpedo” is killing me!! I remember one time, BEFORE KIDS, reading about a lady who had to use TWO super tampons during her periods after she’d had kids…pssssh, I thought..no one could fit TWO SUPER TAMPONS up in there……oh…my…those words certainly came back to bite me, so to speak! Y’all are HILARIOUS!!! It’s good to know you’re not alone!

Amber 3 years ago

No one mentioned the road map I now have on my tummy….ugh

Holly 3 years ago

I have tears streaming down my face! Torpedo – too funny!

Heather 3 years ago

lol you are one funny lady! Keep up the blogging! Unfortunately… I could relate with many of these :(

Iva 3 years ago

I laughed so hard, tears ran down my legs!

Julia 3 years ago

I noticed that those of you who find this so horrible have just kept reading it. If you find it so offensive, just stop, nobody is forcing you and now you are just pissing on our blanket. I’ll keep reading because I think it is hilarious! Thank you ladies for the best laugh in a loooonnnngggg time!

Bec 3 years ago

Article & comments are hysterical! After 2 c-sections 27 years ago, I can say the few stretch marks I had are finally fading. The tiny boobs I had before childbirth are now marbles in the tubesock but still can be disguised with a good, yet expensive, support bra! Thank god I never had the nasty ‘roids or Vasshole. However, I do suffer from the “Dunlap Disease”. My large caketop (not a muffin anymore!) has “done-lapped” over my c-section scar – also known as Mother Natures Belt. Hate the look & feel of all the jiggling! Gained 50 lbs when I quit smoking 1.5 years ago…..and I can’t seem to get rid of it. As for the Elephant Ears……sadly, I have that too…..it came with age. I try to imagine my vajayjay the way it used to be….and try not to look at it too much – Which isn’t hard to do with this belly in the way! I take pride in the fact that my vajayjay still works the way it always has……so I can get over the appearance! And what happened to my ass? I used to have a nice round one……now its just flat. And wide. People say that men like curves…..but mine feel more like blobs! Hope they look more attractive than they feel. My daughters recently had children and are both starting to feel all the effects of motherhood! Revenge, at last! The life of a mom is not for the weak or faint of heart! And Rachel…..you should try living in the real world with the rest of us…..not as terrible of a place as you’d think!

Lisa 3 years ago

I can relate to some, if not all of these. I had 2 c-sections so can thankfully only imagine the vasshole scenario.
My own sweet children are 7 and 2, and so far in the last 8 years I would be lucky if I could count the number of uninterrupted nights sleep in double digits. It is now 1.35am and I am reading this on my phone in bed because my eldest has shouted on me three times in the last 2 hours and has psychic awareness of me daring to nod off!
On the boob issue, I remember as a teenager, there were certain exercises girls were encouraged to do in order to improve the perkiness of the bosom. At the time, the optimum sized breast could apparently hold a pencil under it whilst still remaining perky.
In my fabulous Victorias Secret bra, my 38D boobs (still a cup size larger than pre pregnancy) will enter a room before me, proud and firm. However, when it comes time to unleash them from their binding at the end of the day, I either need to be laying down or have something to support myself with or the shock wave as they escape southward with the speed and deadliness of a fleshy tsunami could knock me off my feet. And as for holding a pencil! Ha! I could fit a damn stationary store under those babies!!!

GB 3 years ago

OMG! You all are my new favorite people. 48 yo fluffy saggy chick here. Still have baby fat….baby is Sr. In high school.

MommaPanda 3 years ago

How does anyone with small children have time to exercise?!?! By the time I *TRY* to keep the house clean and our family clean, dressed and well-fed, I have NO ENERGY LEFT whatsoever. It’s not like any of us are sleeping an uninterrupted 8 hours a night. And, if I push it, and work out anyway, I regret it so much…. Being a full-time mom is almost more of a work-out than I can handle.

I respect myself too much to “get some work done”. I love myself too much for that.

MommaPanda 3 years ago

Oh, by far, the funniest comment yet! This one got the laughter tears flowin’. Gotta love our kids…

Dustin 3 years ago

I’m a thirty-one year old young man and I think this is hilarious. I love your honesty. Please keep it up.

JAMIE 3 years ago

I’ve never heard anyone else use the term FUPA beside me and my friends. How funny! Love it!

JAMIE 3 years ago

OMG….way too funny. I have 3 kids also and I always say my boos look like half filled water balloons. But they too, were working boobs. Too funny…..lol!

jennifer 3 years ago

that was really disturbing to read!! enough to make me GLAD i am 38, childless and my eggs are drying up as we speak! dry up eggs…. hurry!! LOL

Joyce 3 years ago

OMG… I am laughing so hard her at work, I know that someone is going to come in my office and ask me what I am doing… I am about ready to pee my pants!

PersonMcPerson 3 years ago

“I didn’t attack anyone personally and now I am getting ganged up on.”
*scrolls up*
“No, my body is not the same, but I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has… This is not funny, it’s gross.”
Bam. Specifically stated that she is gross, and it’s her own fault, seeing as how she’s too lazy to get back into shape…. presumably by “wear[ing] acceptable clothes… wear[ing] makeup, and… work[ing] out”.
I have a feeling that “acceptable clothes” and makeup aren’t going to fix her vasshole. Or varicose veins. Or vajayjay, or eyes. And working out may or may not fix the stomach/butt/boobs issue… but that’s not true for some women, it’s a body-to-body basis. Some people are just… lucky… that way. Also, considering that this woman has four children, I doubt spending money on an entirely new wardrobe and makeup, or plastic surgeries, is high on her list of priorities.

Momof2 3 years ago

I. JUST. LOST. IT. on #9. Quite possibly the most hilarious thing I have seen in a while. Copied and pasted the link to my husband. He will lose it as well, haha.

Kristin 3 years ago

I’m pretty sure the reason for the one eye larger than the other is from the constant quirking of that eye at one of the children or husband because of something ridiculous they’ve done.. but that is of course just my opinon haha… also don’t forget the laying on the back and all of a sudden it looks like your armpits are trying to smuggle semi-deflated airbags… (or maybe that’s just me)

Me M.J.C. 3 years ago

Scars!!!oh my god I have so many that my belly looks like the sign of ” ZORO”

Christina 3 years ago

My 18 year old daughter used to make fun of me because my boobs sagged and here’s were nice and perky. She recently had a baby and now her boobs are starting to sag. It’s the funniest thing ever she got revenge on herself for me lol!!! We started talking about the vajayjay area one day and she told me she had never looked at. I made her go rite then and look at it, she came back horrified lmao. I wonder what she thinks of it now that she’s had a baby!!

Addie 3 years ago

While your having your vasshole fixed, get a sling placed. Cures the pee problem! Broke down and had it done after peeing all over the floor at work while laughing! New nickname is Pee- dog!

Jessica A. 3 years ago

OMG! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

AP 3 years ago

I can totally relate to the “elephant.” After my first born I mourned the loss of my chances of a career in porn. No one wants to see that sh*t.

Bree 3 years ago

I seriously needed that laugh! Thank you! And my boobs? We call them cow tongues. And that muffin top? I call it a “vajumach” because its not my vagina and its not my stomach!!

ad 3 years ago

Is it your first day on earth? That stuff is pretty much common knowledge at least to anyone over 30. Why do you keep doing it? No uterus turd is worth that. I love that I never had one.

caroline 3 years ago

Too funny. You ladies just made my day:) Speaking of tits & abs: I’ve got so many stretch marks, it looks like I picked a fight with a cat & the cat won. Correction, cat is still winning.

MommyWannabe 3 years ago

I haven’t had kids and am a skinny young woman still…. But I have to say I LOVE this. Made me laugh… and even though I haven’t had kids I too pee when I sneeze or laugh.

Unfortunately, if your attempt was to make me not want kids you are unsuccessful. I have wanted to be a mom since at LEAST kindergarten, and perhaps want to be now more!

Even though I am skinny and Love my body…. I am surrounded by many new moms and moms that have been moms for many years, all of them are curvy and all are beautiful. We all see our flaws intensified, but we are all beautiful and no one sees our flaws the way we see them…. Not even our husbands when they get super close if you know what I mean.

I think this is a wonderful outlet of sharing for women- those who’ve had kids as well as those who haven’t. I consider these talks to be as important as the sex talk and the menstrual talk and STI’s and so on. My sister went through difficulties with sex that no one ever talked with her about. We women need to stick together no matter the age. NO JUDGEMENT but UNDERSTANDING.

Also, please remember to take care of yourselves! I don’t mean take care of yourselves by trying to go back to your previous body, but take time for yourselves. I read every comment on this blog before my post and some mentioned not having even 20 minutes or so a day! YOU DESERVE BETTER! I totally get that it’s crazy busy with kids, but reminding yourself how worthy you are each and every day for at the very least an hour is soooooo Important!

YOU GO MOMS!

Mich 3 years ago

Hahaha

Mich 3 years ago

I haven’t laughed this hard in so long. You moms are hilarious.

Melissa 3 years ago

my tits r the best thing that happened while I was pregnant besides my baby Alexander……no breastfeeding helps I guess

Mamma Ange 3 years ago

I sent this to my husband to read – even though he laughed, cried and was slightly confused with #7 (since both of my eyes have changed shape with two vagina childbirths)… he asked me to share a phrase I use when refering to the area below my muffin top. FUPA. FUPA is a totally offside acronym meaning – Fat Upper Pu$$y Area. Having this makes me cry but saying FUPA makes me smile. Thank goodness to small graces.
Mamma Ange

Traci 3 years ago

Omg!!hilarious!!So describes me..recently lost 100+ pounds,and I’m like wth happened??it looks so much worse!!!!oh well the kids are so worth it…most days :)

any 3 years ago

” I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.” This is the funniest thing I read in a while! You’re hilarious :)

Victoria Preston 3 years ago

I don’t even know what to say, this is way too funny. One thing that I found to be true about post baby body is color changes. I used to have the tiniest light pink colored tittlebiggities. (what me and my family call boobs/nipples). Now they are a brown color that doesn’t match my extremely fair complexion. Also the color down… below. Which I like to call the war zone after having a child. What goes on down there (below the boobs) is ridiculous both pregnant and after.

s 3 years ago

OMG! Vasshole!!! I can hardly type through the tears of laughter and the convulsions of hysteria!

Merriam 3 years ago

I hear ya. Except for having an AA or less size chest, I’m in great shape after 5 kids! I have a 6 pack abs, perky butt, oh yah, and a varicose vein… :(

TheMomFactor 3 years ago

I’m not super sweaty, but if I skip washing my hair for even one day, it gets uber greasy and gross.

christina 3 years ago

i wouldn’t be able to return them. i’ve been sweating like a whore in church since my last pregnancy so they would be too drenched! anyone else super sweaty now?

christina 3 years ago

what the hell is “2 consecutive hours of sleep”!?!

christina 3 years ago

i cant put them under my armpits yet cause i’m still nursing but i’m sure that’s my future. i also have the dreaded doubletop. although unleashed it’s one huge blob that extends the same as the boobs. my 5 yr old tells me all the time how fat i am and she wants me to be “straight”, aka skinny, like her. my 1 yr old likes to play with my rolls while nursing and play find mom’s bellybutton. i feel bad for the manly cause he’s stuck with the postpartum figure. if you can even call it a figure. this post and everyone’s comments are great tho!!!!

christina 3 years ago

but then they may have never had grandchildren!

Debbie 3 years ago

I will share with you a story about my Grandma! She’s gone now, but I never thought I would hear this from her….ANYTIME during her life! She was in the retirement home and setting in her wheelchair, and all day was saying “I have something that you don’t” to all the nurse’s that passed by. She would laugh every time she said it, so finally one nurse bit the hook that she had baited, “Ok , tell me, what do you have that I have not?” She grinned and said “A hole between my titties!” And she lifted her shirt just enough to show her her belly button, with a boob on each side! I never heard or saw, her laugh so hard, a nurse so red, or my mouth drop open soo quickly!!! Gotta love em! Still smiling after her being gone over 20 + years!

Jamie 3 years ago

I always thought of mine as deflated balloons. Before kids I never could have thought they would look like this after!

Cynthia Brooks 3 years ago

I thought it was just me. But I have none of the good feeling that I used to have in my breasts either. They don’t get firm during sex like they used to. Annoying.

Kub 3 years ago

Oh no! I got a wax and I thought, “plucked chicken.”

Kub 3 years ago

Ha! I don’t even have to pull the string anymore. I can pop it out like a baby…

I still want another! 3 years ago

All of these comments cracked me up. Just when I thought I couldn’t find something funnier, I sure did! But Beth Meleski takes the cake, or muffin top, as the case may be. I can’t stop looking at my boobs now. I pick them up and let them flop back down. To my FUPA. Seriously, they were a tad saggy before…Now, its the great comedy! I actually keep trying to get my husband to come look at them when I get them arranged “just right” on the bed. Yes, I said on the bed. I know someone else besides me has noticed that when you kinda half sit up while laying on your side, your boob on said side is like a puddle oozing off your chest /or belly/ or even some no-man’s land between the two and winds up laying on the bed sort of next to you. I can’t even explain this adequately to my poor husband but he won’t look! And I will say, hubby is nice enough to feel sorry for me having post pregnancy issues that he admitted that when he ran to the living room to sneeze the other night (to avoid waking the sleeping littles) he sneezed, farted and peed a little all at once. Gotta love him! :)

Alison 3 years ago

Precisely LOL

miss behaving one 3 years ago

I agree, if she “loved” her body as she claims then there would be no need to get “work done” on it. She was probably one of those cheerleaders who was stuck on herself in high school and is the same way now, thinking she is better then everyone else. Lighten up miss perfect boobs.

Mommyof2 3 years ago

Oh I’m in the same boat there. I pee my pants so much after childbirth that when my water broke with my second, I thought I was just peeing my pants! So I just worked through the day :/ Oops.

Mommyof2 3 years ago

Or “exertion” in this case lololol

Mary 3 years ago

Lmao too funny and I must agree with everything you posted. However after my first child my breast where so big like engorged torpedoes trying to sink me in my pool. Now after my third they are dried saggy prunes. I think I could tie them in a knott and throw them over my shoulder. :p

Alison Powell 3 years ago

Phil, there’s a definition in the “urban dictionary” –
VASSHOLE. The fusion of anus and vagina by means of massive insertion.

Alison Powell 3 years ago

I apologise for spoiling your snazzy jimjams but somewhere deep iside me I just know that you have another pair just like them. We don’t, after all, keep just one set with the designer holes & stains, do we? God, I hope you have more wine…….

Trish 3 years ago

For somebody who is part of a mommy group, I would like to think you would be more supportive to women who might need a friend and certainly not judge them on that level. Maybe in the future you can learn to respect the opinions of others and not bully them based on meaningless, made up details. Such a shame.

Allison 3 years ago

This entire entry is brilliant, but this reply made me spit my “thank f&@k for bedtime” wine down the front of my über snazzy jimjams with the holes in and the stains on. Must pour another. Cheers, mamas!

Alison Powell 3 years ago

Becca, your response made me laugh SO HARD. I am home alone with my dog & the house is very quiet. I laughed so suddenly & so loudly that my dog just fell down the stairs – honest!!!

Vicki 3 years ago

I can relate to this. I feel like I could break my nose if I were to jump without a bra on. It’s always been bad, but my poor boobs dropped an extra few inches after my daughter lol

The only thing I was able to escape is the vasshole, it’s the only direction I didn’t tear.

Having a child is worth everything posted above, but I still had a laugh at this article. It’s nice to be able to poke fun at yourself once in a while :)

Sara 3 years ago

The wonderful ladies at “The Maternal Lens” was reported and put through hell over their sharing of your post here. Someone felt it was offensive and reported it because of the naked butt pic to go along with it. Just thought you would want to know in case you wanted to change it. I am not offended but I would hate for your blog not to be shared because of an ass shot! One of the poor girls cannot get back on facebook, whoever it was put them through some shit. I loved this post and thankful you posted it…I now know what to call my vasshole! :)

Missy H 3 years ago

I was in need of a good laugh! I had 2 unplanned c-sections so I luckily haven’t earned a vasshole,(although this term may now be used to describe my other 1/2) but even then things don’t quite look the same. I didn’t end up with deflated boobs, but someone did let the air out of my vagina! It’s still little but somehow less full & a little more sad. We were considering having a 3rd, partly so I didn’t have to pay for them to redo my c-section scar. The 1st one was great, 2nd one I was always waiting for it to ask, “Why so serious”. However I’ll take my Heath Ledger’s Joker impersonating scar over, what I’m envisioning, will look like Chunk from the Goonies crazy eye!

A 3 years ago

My friend called hers “baby socks”. I told her , if hers are baby socks, my are baby ” hoods”, like on kids jackets/

chrissy 3 years ago

My vag looks like a used up SOS pad. LOL.

Brooke 3 years ago

Thank god I’m sterile.

Tracy Hunt 3 years ago

Another GREAT reason to be child-free. I don’t have to worry about ruining my body!!! :)

Julia P 3 years ago

Vasshole! Hysterical! Love reading candid articles like this one. Thank you!

Gina 3 years ago

Yikes!

Jen 3 years ago

Angry ziploc bags filled with sand

brenda 3 years ago

I’m almost glad I had c-sections after the vasshole descriptions here….wow!

jully 3 years ago

I remember at 15 reading a box of tampons, and learning there were super sized ones, and I said to a friend, who would ever be able to fit that in there, well three kids later, I know who can. I can also cough that sized one out too

Keri 3 years ago

Too funny. Baby number 3 killed my boobs. While pregnant with baby number 4 I constantly made jokes about what boby parted was going to go wrong. Lol. So now I get the “you look great for having 4 having 4 kids”. My butt and boobs are definately never going to look the same. And the acne is sooo awesome

Gina 3 years ago

Can i just say they greatest thing i ever heard…i was laying in bed sad and depressed about the tiger attack on my stomache and my husband say, “Dont be sad babe our daughter just didnt take very good care of her first apartment and messed the walls up a bit. Its nothing a little spackle wont fix.” I laughed sooooo hard!

Laura 3 years ago

You’re all lying! Don’t you read Us Magazine? Everyone knows that new moms look exactly like Victoria Beckham and Kourtney Kardashian six weeks postpartum. I mean, duh!
JUST KIDDING!!!
Seriously, those magazine covers blabbing on about so and so’s “smokin’ hot post-baby bikini body” make me want to scream. Diet and exercise to get back in shape my ass! How ’bout telling the truth, Hollywood?! It’s called getting oodles of cosmetic surgery done as soon as humanly possible after delivery. I’m so fed up with the bullsh*t perpetuated by the entertainment and advertising industries. Grrrr!!!

valerie 3 years ago

Im childless by choice and way past breeding age so I don’t need any birthcontrol, but if I will share it with someone I know!!!

Michelle 3 years ago

I totally agree! If I bend over the belly and the boobs hang down like they are simply suspended by my skin…so gross!

Kat 3 years ago

If they taught this shit in sex ed classes teenage pregnancy would drop dramatically. Jenny McCarthy wrote a whole book on it, its hilarious. She called her vagina “blue twinkies” lol.

Cindy (Little old lady, too) 3 years ago

definitely loser! probably has NO idea that his hairy little balls sag and his beer belly is NOT sexy!

DaleA 3 years ago

I hate to admit it but, My boobs got really big and round, they’re quite nice actually, BUT…. I can’t find bra’s to fit my two bowling balls…. my sisters said my boobs would stay small if I breast fed, NOT for me. 32F, I was a 34D before. My baby is now 15. They never went away.

jennifer 3 years ago

OMG…I am crying!! Absolutely made my day…..

Cindy (Little old lady, too) 3 years ago

I shave my lip and chin, because the pain of plucking the forest there was just too much! Oh and I tried grooming the puss and was shocked and saddened to find the pantie muffins that had been hiding there… Anxiously awaiting puss forest regrowth!

Cathy Willman 3 years ago

I’ve the c-section scars, call them my railroad tracks…not that they ever see the light of day under the giant muffin top.

Cindy (Little old lady, too) 3 years ago

FUPA bwahahaha

Zoe 3 years ago

Lol
Yes I went from a dainty 7.5 to a 9 after two kids!!!!!

Zoe 3 years ago

My boobs were like two sharpei puppies on my chest
Having a breast reduction was the best thing to make me feel confident again and be able to wear anything I wanted besides an extra large black old navy buttondown shirt. You too can be 49 with 20 something boobs. :-)

Cindy (Little old lady, too) 3 years ago

right on! I also agree that who’s ever butt that is in the picture should be proud!!

Cindy 3 years ago

I haven’t had any kids (wasn’t able to), but I’m here to tell you ladies, a lot would have happened anyway! After I had an early hysterectomy, I have the pancake boobs with no feeling, the pizza dough stomach, the elephant ears labia, the panty muffin top… The only thing I was spared was the vasshole, although I think I have had a vassroid! (I thought it was a tumor!) LOL

Lace… Second guessing wanting baby #3 lol 3 years ago

Hahaha glad someone else brought up the hemorrhoids!! This is hilarious!!! Makes me wonder why I want another again?! Lol and I SO have the eye thing!!! Thanks for an awesome laugh. Hahaha

Sarah 3 years ago

I was laughing out loud! Only instead of dry shriveled up carrots I have these GINORMOUS mellons. I have always been big busted but since childbirth and breastfeeding my boobs grew 3 full sizes! So instead of the baby carrots I get sore backs, I feel like I am going to topple over when carrying my little one and I cannot go without a bra – it just hurts too bloody much! When lying down without a bra my chest feels like it is on one of those stretching machines with each side deciding to go in a different direction. Not sure which is worse but I am pretty sure carrots can be built up with inserts and made to look quite decent and you won’t topple over when running after your toddler. Unlike ginormous mellons which never look good in an outfit that actually suits your figure and whenever you talk to the opposite sex they can never look you in the eye.

phil 3 years ago

I still don’t get the vasshole could you explain please

Abby 3 years ago

Ok, the rest had me laughing, but my cat just shot off my lap, when I read torpedo I barked so loud. Had that happen in a meeting, my first week back at work after mat leave. 5 Men and me. You just reminded me. Thanks for the laugh.

Jennifer 3 years ago

Don’t be a hooker Rachel. One day you’ll have eggplants too. Beeeeotch!

Karin 3 years ago

OMG Trish- your introduction of “vagianus” started a whole new burst of laughter, and snarfed tea!

Karin 3 years ago

How about eggplant? Muffins? I am laughing so hard reading this that I’m scared I’ll pee in my pants!

Laurie (not Rachel!!!) 3 years ago

I have enjoyed all the comments, thankyou so much for the laugh. I am still not quite sure what a vasshole is, but awesome word I guess I don’t have one…as for my boobs, not deflated but uncontrollably large with a mind of their own yet desensitized after breastfeeding my 3rd. muffintop is a cute word how about layer cake which explains the other bumps that happen when layering your clothes. As for the eye, I always wondered why I all of a sudden looked like I escaped from the asylum in all my post baby pics! And to Rachel, well maybe if I was rich and famous and didn’t have to give up the second income, I would be inclined to have a personal trainer, and a nanny for my kids…results only happen fast if you have more time for these things. 20 mins a day to myself(if I am lucky) for a work out means I have to make light of my flaws and learn to live with them until i can spend more time on me because I have 3 very important interests in life that qualify for all my time and energy!!!!

Krista 3 years ago

Can’t. Breathe. Laughing too hard.

Nicole 3 years ago

I fell asleep on the couch one afternoon only to wake to little hands smooshing my fluffy post-prego belly. Me: what are you two doing with my tummy? Two little monkeys: Making pizza dough Mommy!
yeah.

Becca 3 years ago

maybe that’s why we get it! the one-eye don’t-even-think-about-it look makes the muscles on that eye bigger…

Becca 3 years ago

AWESOME NAME!!!!! oh jeez – can’t breathe but can’t stop reading… and now I have to go check my damn eyes because I’m scared one is bigger…

Roxanne 3 years ago

Great laughs! So true…when I first peeked at my post-childbirth vag it scared me because it looked as though it had teeth!

Becca 3 years ago

hahahaha!!! OMG that took me by surprise and the sudden laughter made me pee a little. yet another side effect of childbirth. Also about the vasshole thing – once when I had pneumonia I coughed so hard my tampon shot out like a torpedo…

holly 3 years ago

Vasshole..HAHAHAHAHAH. Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway!

Nmissi 3 years ago

I’m laughing so hard right now I have tears running down my face. Yes, I can relate. I was never “thin,” but my stomach was flat and my hourglass was proportional before I had my kids. Afterward, my stomach looked like I’d been clawed from bustline to navel by a big cat; some of my stretch marks are as wide as a finger. Muscle tone is just destroyed (they were both 10 lb babies) and it never really came back; all the crunches in the world didn’t help with the bread dough effect. Bread dough, on a rather wide, not-so-hourglass shape. Ugh. Also, episeotomies are evil; I had 22 stitches after my first child. 22 stitches, months of recovery, and fearing to eat anything because I knew it would hurt to get it back out at the other end With the next kid, I told the doctor, “if you cut me I will cut you back”- That time, I had a starburst tear, got six stitches, and everything went back together properly. DO NOT LET THEM CUT YOU! And while I didn’t experience the eye thing, the gap in my teeth opened up (it’d been closed since I was abt 10) and all my teeth are now higgledy piggledy. (Also, I lost enamel, so I got new cavities courtesy of pregnancy, too.) The most annoying thing, though? The shoe thing. I was a size 9 narrow shoe before the kids. My feet weren’t exactly small. After the first, I was a 10. After the second, I was an 11 WIDE. I had to stop at two kids, for fear of spending the rest of my life barefoot due to lack of shoe availability.

Christina 3 years ago

OMG!! I haven’t laughed this hard in years! I agree with the boob thing, except mine look like waterslides!

Bonnie 3 years ago

Wow, you missed the whole point of this article: HUMOR. She’s not saying she’s not full of joy with having her kids. She’s just saying everything people think about themselves. It gave me a good laugh. I recognized myself in some parts, still laughed at the others. I laughed the whole way through.

It really sounds like you need some friends that haven’t come out of your body. I found this via my mommy group. I found it hilarious. I guess if my only friends were my kids, I wouldn’t find it funny either.

Deb J 3 years ago

floppy belly=soggy bread dough….especially immediately after birth….

eira 3 years ago

Too many! Especially #1..I had a c-section so this imagine will give me nightmares! I read all the funny comments and even laughed at #325 cherylnoble’s comment…

Miranda Baker 3 years ago

I’ve got one vasshole and two c-sections. Best of BOTH worlds!

Hope 3 years ago

BeckyB – 36 longs!! BWAHAHAHA! Love it and can so relate. I am also a member of the vasshole, c-section scar club. I want to share this with my oldest daughter who recently got married, but I do want grandchildren so I’ll wait until after she gives me at least one of those. 😉 After all, she gave me my vasshole which in turn led to my c-sections!!!

Kathleen Poho 3 years ago

Holy snapping assholes batman ! Are you kidding lady ?youd probably live longer if you took that 50 lb block of judgement off your back.those that can’t laugh at themselves just leave it up to other people to do it for them !

KASS 3 years ago

This was a great read! Thanks so much the comments were almost better than the read. I remember the nurses telling me after my first C-Section to look at my scar to know what looked normal before I left the hospital. All I could think was Frankinbelly. I don’t think the feeling ever came back below my belly button and the hair grew up from there…Somewhere after the 2nd year I started getting a strange olive green milk discharge from my boobs. The doctor said completely normal!?!

Deb FAVREAU 3 years ago

Omg Jera, I laughed so hard I scared my French bulldog sleeping beside me! I have to remember FUPA! That is stinkin hilarious! And thanks to all of the comments they’ve all been good!

Kathleen Poho 3 years ago

Bwahahahaha.as if men need an excuse to cheat ! You ever looked in a mirror buddy ?

Rae 3 years ago

Hahaha!!! I SOOOOO think the same about mine!

Kristy Grannis 3 years ago

I totally agree with you! And regarding the whole wonky eye thing… I had that a bit before, and it certainly got worse after kids. Then I read “Disconnected Kids” and that explained a lot about my kids and myself, too. It talks about the wonky eye thing. You may want to check it out!

BeckyB 3 years ago

I went from 36Cs to 36Longs.

amanda 3 years ago

First off THANK YOU! #1 was quite insightful, I now have a name for my little pet . . . since birthing twins (that’s right I pushed!) I have not quite known what to call what hangs down there. Unfortunately for me I don’t need a hand mirror to see my dropping lady parts. There is something that you did fail to mention, hemorrhoids! This dear addition to my anatomy is something I don’t think I want to get used to! Maybe when Rachel gets her work done she can ask if they take care of hemorrhoids . . .

smarty58 3 years ago

My husband once asked me why my boobs sorta tasted like my deodorant… so I had to explain to him that my au’natual breasts lay down when I do, and since they look like long english cucumbers, my nipples settle into my armpits!

Linda 3 years ago

Two watermelons on a down hill ski race

Didi 3 years ago

hahahahaha- I call mine paddy pancakes. Cause when I lay on my side they look like a flat little pancake laying on the bed! But when I stand then they are just two empty potatoe sacks :(

Abby 3 years ago

With University tuition cames grey hair:) lol

Leah 3 years ago

Swinging eggplants!!! Hahahahaha!

Andrea K 3 years ago

I am in love with you. That is all.

Hil 3 years ago

I like to refer to mine as belt boobs. Fitting with the eggplants.

Lacey 3 years ago

Coke bottle tits are what I call mine…you know if you bend over they could easily slip right into a coke bottle lol!

Trish 3 years ago

Just like vasshole, it is a made up word, but one that my co-horts in obstetrical nursing would recognize it immediately! The pronouncation is Va-ganus…the “i” is silent. I shared your post on facebook and my co-workers have had a blast with it, as have I. Brilliant!!
:-)

Ani 3 years ago

Wow, how many women will be turned off having babies after reading this?! Although there are elements of truth amongst it all I was disappointed. I have had 6 kids, I had a good doctor so no tearing, no cuts, I still have good boobs for a 45 year old despite breastfeeding them all for years, I suspect slow weaning is the answer as opposed to abrupt weaning at birth. I am overweight but that’s not caused by pregnancy. Yes, my belly is stretched but the marks are my badge of honour. Pelvic floor muscles do need constant exercise but it’s part of looking after yourself.
Any changes in my body are a small price to pay for the joy of my children.

Rachel 3 years ago

Nice. I say my opinion and get attacked and accused of things I’ve never done. I didn’t attack anyone personally and now I am getting ganged up on. If you don’t agree with what I said there is a nice way to go about saying it. I didn’t like this article because I felt like it overgeneralized women who have had children, and not in a positive way. That is my opinion. As an active member of SM I felt like I needed to say something. I believe in being healthy and that we need to take that very seriously. I hope it feels good to be added to the group of people who pick on other people. It’s so easy to say exactly what we think over the internet because there aren’t direct consequences. We can’t see that there are real people on the other side of the screen. You don’t know anything about me or my personal life and most of these comments assume something about me personally as if you know me.

Anna @ My Life and Kids 3 years ago

Pfffttttt…. good luck with that!

Anna @ My Life and Kids 3 years ago

How do I pronounce that?

Dawna 3 years ago

So funny & unfortunately so true! I used to say that when I bent over naked, baby calves mistook me for their mom.

Tonya 3 years ago

A man who cheats is a unhappy person with himself, not his wife he supposedly loves.

To blame the woman is not a true statement…. Married men who cheat will cheat with another woman who doesn’t honor that relationship, and married men have cheated with other women who have vassholes too!! Its not because of his wife having it, when they go and sleep with someone else who has it too!!

Abby 3 years ago

LOL:) So you may think it will get beeter with time?? When they live to go to Unnivercity you got all that and you a BROK$$$$

jasper 3 years ago

OMG! Hilarious! I didn’t give birth to my babies, all adopted, and am pretty glad about that right now. I haven’t had c-sections or tearing and cutting. But, I can relate…age and surgeries take a toll on a woman’s body too. I use the term FOPA (Flap Over P***y Area) in reference to the extra skin that just appeared, I swear, the day I turned 40. LOL

Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses’s Sh*t 3 years ago

I’m just gonna add, thank GOD for Instagram, I can usually find at least 1 filter that makes my eye look normal in any picture :)

LOA337 3 years ago

Seriously too funny! None of this was in the What to Expect When You’re Expecting book. THIS is what we should be telling all new expectant mothers!

Terryfergus 3 years ago

O-M-G! Brilliant! Sneezing is a dangerous thing… I will never forget vassholes! Freaking hilarious!

Beth Meleski 3 years ago

I used to have a cute belly button. Actually, I don’t know if it was cute because I never really noticed it until it was so big I could use it for my morning cereal. Screw clean dishes, I have a belly bowl.

A Less Horrible Man 3 years ago

Yeah, you’re an asshole. Uh, congrats?

I thought the original post was hilarious. My wife has given birth to 2 beautiful kids (both via C-Sec) and she worries a lot more about the “angry pancakes” than I do. Physical attraction is indeed real, but it’s not the reason men (or women) cheat – it’s the asshole factor. So, I guess you’ve got that going for you…

FWIW, ladies – the terms MILF and Yummy Mummy exist for a reason. Experience and confidence are sexy. Also, check your own assumptions when looking at the picture of the bum at the top of the page. I assume it’s being presented as an “after” picture or some kind of a representation of what is supposedly undesireable. In truth it’s not – curves are good. :)

Mevida 3 years ago

Way to go and shit on a funny and enjoyable thread, Rachel. Blah, blah, blah…take it to another forum where there are more anorexic, vain, body-image addicted, alien Mom’s with pickles up their skinny asses. We like and accept ourselves here, vassholes and all. We are overjoyed that you and your life are perfect. Please go respect yourself somewhere else…we’d like to continue laughing till we pee ourselves :) Cheers!

Kat 3 years ago

Some of the ladies on here, either don’t have kids, are in denial, or are just cunts.
As to the rest of you, hell yes, I feel your pain.
I have 2 kids, my vagina tore, had to have 8 stitches. My butt is covered in stretch marks. I always say my second son “ate” my boobs, because they disappeared after I quit breastfeeding him.
My vagina looks swollen & veiny to me, lol. Idk how to describe it but its definetely not the same as it was before kids.
I have the bladder of an infant now, I am constantly leaking, even though I do Keegles everyday and my kids are 4 & 6.
You can’t live without making a little bit of fun of yourself. I thought it was funny.
Also my boyfriend thinks I’m crazy about saying my feet grew during pregnancy, glad I’m not the only one!

Noel 3 years ago

Me too!! count me down for 4 c-sections, but no vasshole… :)

Carrie 3 years ago

Vasshole is awesome! I would really feel bad about calling my kids (13 and 17) assholes but if I called them vassholes, they totally wouldn’t know what I was talking about! And I don’t really understand why it takes me so long to poop now, but one wrong move or sneeze and I piss my pants or fart, sometimes both at the same time. Now that’s talent! Don’t even get me started on my boobs. One is bigger than the other (which is great cause it goes with the eye theme) making it difficult to buy bras. So I am constantly reaching my hand down my shirt, unconscientiously of course, tucking my boob fat back into my bra. And I wonder why I am still single.

Irene 3 years ago

Vasshole… never know what to call that thing that was created when the doctor took over 30 minutes to sew me back up inside and out until now. I truly enjoyed all of this from the blog to the comments. If a man finds this gross he is going to cheat the minute his lady shows a flaw and if a woman finds this gross she must be a perfection of the human species made by a God not from this plant. I have one child about to be 18 years old. I was skinny and quite pretty before I had my daughter. Now I only look in full length mirrors when fully clothed. I do not look too bad then so long as my blouse is long enough and I put my eyes on LOL. My hubby says I am beautiful and loves me more than he could ever have imagined and he would never cheat on me just because I have large saggy boobs, a vasshole, and kangaroo pouch that I tuck into my jeans. LOL Thanks for the laughs I am actually sending my daughter a link since she says I am not have any kids. She has that perfect hour glass shape right now. Maybe I better rethink sending her a link to this; I might never get grandchildren…

Char 3 years ago

OMG!!! Not only did #6 crack me up but this made me cry from laughter. My husband insisted I tell him why. He laughed, but not as hard.

just me 3 years ago

Oh wow. Thank you. I hate how I look after two kids… But I could deal with the never ending acne, the muffin top, the stretched out road map places, the non existent boobs…. But its the fact that I ALWAYS need to sh*t whenever I’m in public with the kids… Never fails. I really HATE that part, cuz I really have no control once it decides to go. Such an adventure trying to locate bathrooms with a 1.5 year old and 3 year old.
Thanks for all the replies too, made my day better.

Jenni 3 years ago

OMG! Lol Not only am I going to print off this list and laminate it I think I’m going to print off the comments too! Lol. Soo nice to know that I am not alone!!

CountryDuck 3 years ago

I don’t read many blogs that make me laugh out loud, but this one did. Vasshole, come on! I’m glad I wasn’t drinking a hot beverage when I read that.

Lisa 3 years ago

I can so relate!

Daniela 3 years ago

Remember when we were kids and put a baseball in pantyhose and wacked it against the school walls?
My ta ta’s are now the stretched pantyhose with a
ball at the end of it!

Maria Trader 3 years ago

oh I’m laughing over here!

Katie 3 years ago

Me too! Lucky is right!

Leslie 3 years ago

Well angry pancakes takes the prize. I did however just today find a bra that holds them in place, full coverage. These girls are locked in place and forced to look like round something or others. Check Calvin Klein online. Great deals and so comfortable.

Jude 3 years ago

Thank you Maureen! My fingers were speechless at the comments by Rachel, Melissa and Liz and all the other women posting disgust. I don’t believe the women that find humor in this piece have “let themselves go”. Perhaps their relationships with their spouse is built on physical appearance rather than love, respect and commitment. Having babies and growing older just does things to your body that no amount of exercise can fix. And going under the knife, getting injections and starving oneself is far too expensive and vain. Sounds like they are more concerned about whats going on on the outside than on the inside. Every scar, stretch mark and loose area of skin on my body is the story of my life!

Tiffany 3 years ago

You are so amazing!! I love fell in love with this article!!

Erin 3 years ago

OMG Im dyyyying!! so true!!! Hahahaha its terrible!

Hope Dingman 3 years ago

Thankfully I do not have all of these!!! I had 2 c-sections so no vasshole !!!! but I have the flabby skin over my c-section where they cut the muscle ugggggg. Boobs I call sag bags. I used to be a size A and after kids I thought they would go back but my youngest is 4 and im still a size c!!!!

Rox 3 years ago

Loved it!!

Maureen 3 years ago

To all of those who gave the lame excuse for cheating husbands that their wives’ lack of “keeping themselves” is the top reason, cheating stems from one place, a heart of infidelity. A man who cheats on his wife is a man who is undisciplined, lacks self-control, and is first and foremost intent on satisfying his desires above all else. How dare you say a woman’s body is the reason a man cheats? That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard, and what that implies is that if a man does not keep his body like it was in his younger years, then a woman is entitled to cheat too. I don’t know who convinced you that your body is the end all and be all to faithfulness in a husband, but you are sorely misled and need to get a serious clue.

Charity Deleon 3 years ago

OMGoodness! Absolutely hysterical…you definetly gained a new follower!

Mel 3 years ago

Mine are so far south that they may need their own area code soon, some where in the Antarctic.

jera 3 years ago

What about the “FUPA”. Definition.- Fat, Upper, Puss area.

jera 3 years ago

My husband has a srange image after child birth. Says it looks like ” a sad old. Man “.

Janet 3 years ago

OMG I am laughing so hard at all of these comments. What I loved was when you went to go run up the stairs without a bra on to get one of the kids, you suddenly wonder who in the hell is applauding you for getting up those stairs so dang quickly…..then you realize it was your own boobs!!!

Marie 3 years ago

This is hilarious. Mine is not the elephant, it’s the walrus.

Meagan 3 years ago

Priceless!! Vasshole – love that!

Clorisa 3 years ago

I was giggling quietly at my desk until I read “elastipussy” and “swinging eggplants”.

KatieT 3 years ago

Okay honey. I’ll volunteer to have major surgery performed on my stomach just as soon as you agree to pay for the tummy tuck, the nanny to take care of our toddler when I’m recovering, the boob job, varicose vein treatment, and gym membership with childcare included. I’m 28 and have two small children. I look pretty much the same as I did pre-kids as long as I keep my clothes on. Taking care of yourself only gets you so far. The rest requires surgical intervention and that’s gonna cost ya.

Stephanie 3 years ago

LOL, Gina. Once I misplaced my phone and could not find it anywhere. Later when I was changing my shirt (one of my twins had thrown up all over me) I found my phone wedged under my boob! I had a habit of sticking it in there when cleaning house or chasing after the little twinadoes.

Hannah 3 years ago

OMG! So funny! My right eye is streaming tears for yours!

Stephannie 3 years ago

YES! I have the sad face belly button too!! I have a whole set of sad faces. I bounced back easily and fast from first pregnancy (at 19) but then 12yrs later at 31 I have twins by C-section and got the saggy sad face belly too :( And my boobs, well after breastfeeding the twins the are very saggy half-deflated water balloons with very little feeling except at PMS time, ugh!

Shireen 3 years ago

Brilliant article and fab responses. I remember my grandmother telling me how she got into serious trouble for asking why a family friend was fat (she was pregnant) and how she had NO idea what menstruation was and when she got her first cycle,at boarding school, she thought she was dying! As a result, thankfully, she has been brutally honest (and funny!!) with her daughters and granddaughters and now,great-granddaughters. We NEED women who are brave enough to not only tell the truth without shame but also CELEBRATE it! You are one of these women, Anna! Your honesty brought us all here and like it or not, we can all relate. There is real power in our ability to laugh at and with ourselves – together! This is healing our world, right here :)

Stacey 3 years ago

i call mine NGs. because they look just like the women on national geographic when i bend over. What a great thread!

Deb 3 years ago

RIGHT EYE…I thought my one eye was enlarged for years. Turned out my left eye was closing, due to a brain tumor…Acoustic Neuroma. I look back at my pics and def see it now on my facial nerves too. Insist on an MRI! Do you have headaches or earaches?

andrea 3 years ago

Are you kidding me? I went from a 7 1/2 to a 9 1/2 over the course of 4 pregnancies. I went up 4 cup sizes but not in a good way, I can literally hide my boobs in my armpits, and I have 2 muffin tops, 1 for my pants and 1 for my panties!

Mamarific 3 years ago

My friend calls her boobs “pancakes with raspberries on top.” Ha, ha! I’ve considered a boob job myself but just can’t go there.

sherry 3 years ago

i dont know why they call it a muffin top either. Mine looks more like a flat tire than anything else.

Marilyn 3 years ago

Oh so funny. Poor you but would have loved to see your daughters face when you told her that “she caused your vasshole”.

Mel 3 years ago

Thank- you so much for this! I just discovered the elephant and was on the verge of a breakdown. Went to my doctor to see what was wrong with me. But now I know I’m not the only one, I’m not a freak!
thank-you!

The Restless Knitter 3 years ago

Vasshole! haha mine’s even better because I have a huge varicose vein in my vasshole! I thought varicose veins were reserved for old ladies legs!! And the eye thing, I’m totally with you on that one. Just call me squinty.

Scarlet 3 years ago

Oh dear God that’s wrong!

Kelli 3 years ago

After giving birth to 5 boys I totally has a vasshole love that word btw. And dealing with the inability to not pee on myself when laughing, coughing, sneezing and so on I visited the nice urologist and had my bladder/vasshole issue fixed. It was the best thing I ever did can actually do all those things without worry again. Was well worth the discomfort of that surgery. I am thankful though for knowing as a woman I’m not alone in the unpleasant body changes post childbirth! Great blog!

Marilyn 3 years ago

I remember when it was time to get off the delivery table and go have a shower, the firs thing I did was look DOWN. I still have no idea why I did that. I almost fainted and had to lay down for 30 mins. lol

Melanie W 3 years ago

OMFG!! I guess I should think about what I am about to read BEFORE sipping on hot tea! I burnt myself! I gulped it and spit some out-thankfully just missing the keyboard! THAT SHIT IS HILARIOUS!! so funny!!!!

Marilyn 3 years ago

Very true. My hubby was horrified as he watched them cut me front to back. Love making light of all this! :-)

Marilyn 3 years ago

So I was laughing silently until I read “elastipussy”. Thanks for the chuckle.

Bridget 3 years ago

When I gave birth the first time there was a wall mirror directly across from the bed. As soon as I saw it I made the doctor cover it up with a towel. I did not want to see that!

Trish 3 years ago

Anna, as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 30 years the correct name for it is vagianus (TIC), but the laypersons term is Vasshole. Just in case you’d like a new V word! .

Liz 3 years ago

Very sad.

Liz 3 years ago

All of you need a lesson on how to be a lady.

Liz 3 years ago

Rachel and Melissa, I agree. Horrible man, let these women know! This is so disgusting. You just told the whole world about your banged up vagina and shriveled up breasts? Shame. And the rest of these women agreeing? Shame shame. Vasshole? Yuck. There is nothing funny about this. I’d like to be embarrassed for you, but I’m too embarrassed for your husband. This was definitely too much info. And yes ladies, this is a number 1 reason why a man would cheat. Number 1 and 2. Not only have you let your whole body turn to shit, you told everyone about it. Women are beautiful creatures. To birth children is a gift and when we do it makes us that much more beautiful. You just made it seem absolutely disgusting. Again, speak for yourself. Yuck.

Tina 3 years ago

LMAO laughed so hard i snorted and damn near pissed my pants!!! this post is so funny becuz its absolutly true LOL

Mommy Adventures 3 years ago

Oh. My. Gosh. If it wasn’t 46 degrees today, I’d be laughing so hard right now, but I don’t want to pass out, so I’m keeping it all in. The poop stuff? SO FUNNY! And so true. Thank goodness for parent’s rooms – I can go in there with both kids, and blame the smell on them :)

Jelly Belly 3 years ago

Laughed so hard I snorted tea out my nose this morning. Thanks for the laugh, and the honesty. Is it too soon to show this to my tween daughter? 😉

Ljfur1 3 years ago

Hahaha! I am wetting myself. This is hilariously true.

Mommy to 3 3 years ago

Oh. My. Gawd. I am CRYING here!! So funny. I didn’t get the Vasshole, but the peeing when I sneeze, cough, stand up too fast, etc. is my undoing. Ha! And it only gets worse… my oldest is 16 yrs old… My angry pancakes are now just tired pancakes.
I didn’t get the one eye bigger, but I did go up a full shoe size! Kinda made me mad! So many shoes I had to give away!

Elizabth 3 years ago

Screw watching teen mom, these kids should look at a mom’s body, then I’m sure they will think twice about teen sex!!

MamaE 3 years ago

Yes! Thank you for bringing up the hemorrhoid issue, ugh! Such horribleness :-(. After dealing with them for more then 20 months pp, I finally gave in and had a GI doc do a “banding” procedure. Not so fun, but did the trick. Only, now I’m 12wks pregnant with #2 and so pregnancy constipation, ugh, such a PITA (pain in the ass)! LOL!

Bird 3 years ago

I call my stomach my FLAB-O-LANCH because well it’s fallen over my belt line…where it SHOULDN’T BE! :) And sometimes I jiggle my belly (almost like Chris Farley) to make my co-worker squirm LOL! She thinks I am SO silly! I will never forget after my 1st child and having a c-section…my stomach felt like a bowl full of jelly LITERALLY…and so when I would laugh (IT HURT!) it would make me laugh more because it just JIGGLED! haha

Shannon Maryott 3 years ago

Anna Luther, I developed one big eye after having my daughter. I was diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome. That could be what you experienced. I had surgery to fix my asymetrical eyes, which I called circus freak eyes. I look normal again now.

Becky 3 years ago

That is so funny..I thankfully am laughing so hard, but my toddler is sleeping or she would say the same thing!!!

Germana 3 years ago

I’ve had a good laugh. Thank YOU
BTW
Dr Gelphant in Vancouver BC
Is a world class surgeon. WORKS MIRACLES

Kelly 3 years ago

Now we know uptight Rachel’s problem. . . . . she is married to horrible man!

Little Old Lady 3 years ago

you are a keeper Random Man!!! Thanks for recognizing the obvious .. most men forget that they age / change too!!

Little Old Lady 3 years ago

This 62 year old mummy / grand mummy has to agree!! Life is great! Laughter is the best!!! Keep it up girls .. will forward this on to my daughter!!

Little Old Lady 3 years ago

VERY hot Gina!!! I have been as big as 38H … now down to a 34H .. and my nipples almost reach my belly button!!! At 62 years old, I can absolutely sympathize!!! Having such fun reading these!

Helena 3 years ago

Sitting here trying to imagine what angry pancakes look like, lmaooo. Omg, glad I am not the only one with deflated boobies! lol

Jude 3 years ago

I had the lovely experience of a vasshole birth (but the doc’s gave it the none frightening term “perineal tear”) whilst spitting out my 3rd child after 30 minutes of labor. What is hysterical about the term is that I tore on the inside as well as the outside. I was afraid to poop for days and drank gallons of water and ate stool softener like candy. The only good thing that resulted in the required repair is that I got an internal retreat that tightened everything up! I deserved that much!!!

Little Old Lady 3 years ago

He probably doesn’t look anything like he did when he was 18 either!!! I guess that’s why women cheat too!!! He is definitely a loser!!

Little Old Lady 3 years ago

I don’t think she EVER had a sense of humour!!

Abowman 3 years ago

I would say mine look more like half empty balloons. Not flat, but way too large in all the wrong places, and when I bend over they look like swinging eggplants.

A Random Man 3 years ago

I hope ya’ll don’t mind a man accidentally stumbling on this and laughing his ass off. The replies are great too. Humor is a wonderful thing and being about to laugh at life is heap-good-medicine. The good news is, if you have a good guy to start with, we’ll still love you. It ain’t like we’re gonna be an Adonis all our lives (or any of it).

Jessica 3 years ago

Just recently found your blog… that is some funny ass shite!

6 pregnancies… 5 kids and for the most part, I got lucky. Though still having your 20 year old college body with your grandmother’s boobs isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either 😉

crystal 3 years ago

Haha lucky you guys! I have a vasshole and a c section scar!

Lori 3 years ago

I find it fun to swing mine like 2 pendulums when I’m bent over warming the water for my shower !!! It is important to find joy where you can !!! Lol

JRsMom 3 years ago

Omg! I couldn’t read past “vasshole” because I was crying laughing. And yes, I’m also part of the “minivan muffintop 10 pm bedtime” club. Thank you for the late night funny. Much needed and much appreciated.

Mom too many 3 years ago

Wet Socks…that’s are phrasology!

Mindy 3 years ago

I laughed so hard I peed a little..’cause you know it’s all loosey-goosey down there after 3 kids!

tiffany 3 years ago

I tried he gagged out as I was explaining…and I was dying laughing away. This stuff is hilarious

Natalie 3 years ago

This is making me want to ware a chastity belt and lock up my reproductive system…. men have it easy!

Anna 3 years ago

Oh no – do I need to go back down there with a hand mirror and look for stretch marks? I don’t think I’m up for it…

Anna 3 years ago

That’s really nice of you ladies – my vasshole says thank you! :)

Anna 3 years ago

Thanks Dani! :)

Anna 3 years ago

HA! LOVE your name here! :)

Anna 3 years ago

You. Are. Hilarious.

Anna 3 years ago

I think it is – that and lack of sleep…

Anna 3 years ago

Oh my gosh – you’re a brave woman. I have told my husband he’s not allowed to read this. He already lives it…

Anna 3 years ago

VAGEROID!! bwahahahahaha…

Anna 3 years ago

SOOOO true! Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep thing?

Jess 3 years ago

LMAO!

Anna 3 years ago

THIS is my proudest moment ever! I taught YOU a new v-word? I didn’t think it was possible!

Anna 3 years ago

Thanks Angie! :)

Anna 3 years ago

I don’t think I can eat cottage cheese anymore. Or carrots… :)

Anna 3 years ago

Trust me – my giant vasshole haunts my husband’s dreams too!

Anna 3 years ago

That. Is. Awesome. :)

Janna 3 years ago

I am in the vasshole/c-section scar club, too. :/

Robin 3 years ago

Laughed so hard Im crying..and sharing this with all who want to laugh…Thanks so much…!”vasshole” is my new fav word…my friends and I have been saying “vageard”..for the crazy way the hair goes down there as we age…its like a vagina beard..

Debbie 3 years ago

Why when you lie down do they both fall into my armpits!i need scoops.ugh.

Denise 3 years ago

OMG!!! Dying!!! I didn’t end up with a *vasshole*(lol) However, my hubby called me ‘ Frankenpussy’ after my first kid. :)

Bre 3 years ago

I always said they looked like fried eggs hanging on a nail, but I love the angry pancakes! This post is amazing! So glad there are more like me out there.

HouseTalkN 3 years ago

Sweetheart. Honey. Darling. For the love of all things holy, lighten up. If you go through life this uptight, no amount of make up will cover those stress lines.

jojo 3 years ago

OMG. The eye thing. I just noticed when looking at recent pics of myself. Thought it was just me. Wondered if I had a stroke. I have five vasshole makers. It’s a good thing I love ’em. Vassholes that they are from time to time. :)

LynnBeisner 3 years ago

I have two words for you: “pelvic surgeon.” I had a few of the problems you mentioned and they got *much* worse with age. I was so afraid of getting the things you mentioned fixed. I imagined all sorts of horrible things. I finally did it anyway. Best. decision. ever.

dawn 3 years ago

bahahaha… I’ve had 4 vaginal births and have never even thought about looking down there to see how messed up it is !! lol
my boobs sag, I have a double muffin top, I own a minivan, i’m in bed by 10 almost every night of the week…. wow, I sure can relate !! thanks for the giggles :)

Christy 3 years ago

Absolutely LOVE this!!!! Got a genuine “gut” laugh out of me after my workday, as you might understand is a seldom occasion these days with a couple of young kids…. Thank you… BLESS you….

bren 3 years ago

i know everyone else had said it but i am SO glad that i am not the only person all if these things has happened to! except the elephant loll i pushed from monday till friday @5cm before the base felt i had earned a c section. so now im a smiling kangaroo pouch too with the tennis balls in pantyhose for tahatahs and a bunch of tiger stripes (thats what im gonna tell her cause i know someday shell ask) i love how refreshingly honest you all are :) thanks moms!!! we rock

Kendra 3 years ago

I have read this 3 times and it still brings me to tears I’m laughing so hard. So relatable!!!!

Tonia 3 years ago

My dad used to say the pointer sisters died as a description of my moms fried egg boobs..so mean

melissa 3 years ago

OMG. I am CRYING I am laughing so hard! BTW, all of this sounds so SO like my life-though I would say my boobs would be angry swollen melons or angry saggy medium sized beach balls that have a slow leak. :/

Sherry 3 years ago

omg! hilar!ous,,, so true, all of !t , lmao!!!
To mention another something noticed by me, after 2 vag!nal births, my third C-Section at 42, permanent smiley face below my belly button and a kangaroo pouch that never seems to go away. As my Grandparents & Mom always said/say, ” sucks getting old! Thank you for shar!ng> So happy !’m not the only one! Great laugh!

Emily 3 years ago

My newborn asleep on my chest is going to have shaken-baby I’m laughing so hard.

Maggie 3 years ago

Calm the hell down. You don’t know the life experiences some of these ladies have gone through.
Are you a physician or just a Vasshole?

Amanda 3 years ago

It’s a JOKE. Seriously…

Maggie 3 years ago

After working labor and delivery for 35 yrs i just looked in amazement at what a post partum body looked like until i had 2 children. Even though this site sounds funny it’s kind of sad.
Thank God for husbands who go bald and get beer bellies.
My husband and i are neck in neck on the changing bodies but still very in love!

miss bob :p 3 years ago

omg so thats what happened to my damn eye LOL if i dont have enough sleep my eye looks soo weird and definitely have a vasshole lol after 3 vaginal births,stitches with the first tears with 2nd n 3rd sh%ts bound to get messy lol glad thats not on display like my EYE lol

melissa 3 years ago

I just don’t even know where to begin with a comment, in between my laughing and crying…
Good news though. My ride has never been a minivan. I have an SUV. OK fine. Same fricking difference.
Sigh.
By the way, I can’t see my elephant over my FUPA. I can’t even say I’m a hot mess because there is no hot left in me. I’ll go to bed now.

Willow 3 years ago

Oh, I so agree with you. I get sick of people spouting that nonsense to me. “Your life wouldn’t be the same without them” Really????? I wouldn’t have guessed that. You mean I could get a full night of uninterrupted sleep & only have to do washing once a week.

christieo 3 years ago

VASSHOLE!!! ohmigod hilarious.

melanie 3 years ago

I. Am. Crying. Laughing so hard. This is genius.

Marie 3 years ago

AMEN! I thought I was the only one left looking like Popeye! 😉 (and that’s not a wink, that’s my normal expression!) Why the flop does that happen???? I demand a medical explanation!!!

Mary 3 years ago

8 to a 9.5. Plus a lot wider. My hubby said if we kept having babies my feet would eventually become as wide as they are long. Like an elephant.

JardenAires 3 years ago

I just laughed so hard my husband thought something terrible happen to someone and I was crying. I am totally subscribing to this blog, I need more comic relief about the horrible tragedy of my body after birth and well just motherhood in general.

and of course angry pancakes…

Anna 3 years ago

Vasshole!, carrots ! muffins! dough! road maps! ELASTOPUSSY ( well thats is before kids) ! Omfg I have not laughed so much since granny got her “shriveled up baby carrots” caught in the wringer! I am we’ll past being a new mummy! in fact I am now grandmummy to 3 adorables, can I please apologies to my dearest darling daughter for not informing her of the resultant after childbirth body condition! I applause u for putting it out there! To laugh at your body to this degree is fantastic. I had 4 kids and yes I have all those conditions ( and have been profusely embarrassed about them, till now) I love all u mummies ! Your comments have given me life! Maybe a little late at my age, but hell “ur never to old” I could go into the worsening effect to the dried up baby carrots, the vasshole, the dough roll, the sagging Buns, the world road maps, not to mention the elephant ( that trunk will appear!), however, I know how young people hate oldies discussing private or sexy matter,and the visuals u get when we do, so I will spare u the anguish. Taking a leaf from ur page In my mind right now though its damned hilarious! more laughs for me! greatest thanks to u all! Btw to that poor dear woman who is so discusted with your descriptions, surgery to ur bodies flaws will not cheer u up, humor will do u far more Favors. And to the gorgeous mummie
” who feels very sexy on her hands and knees NOT ” u are also an idle amazing how reality is so damn funny, when u realize life’s like that! Keep it up new mummies I think u are all flawless xxxxx

Michelle 3 years ago

I think it’s sad that a woman would refer to her vagina as an elephant, even after having three children…

Wanita 3 years ago

oh, good! someone else has a stretch mark there! i thought i was the only one….does anyone else have their perineum throb when they are standing too long?

Jillian 3 years ago

Ugh! Bitch is right!

Jillian 3 years ago

No kidding, two c-sections = no vasshole!

Jillian 3 years ago

No kidding, two c-sections = no vasshole!

Heather 3 years ago

I always thought tennis balls in tube socks, myself. :) Ah, the joys of motherhood!

Jae 3 years ago

So, what exactly do you want her to do about some of the changes that took place because of the childbirth process? You SERIOUSLY need to go find your sense of humor. You have either misplaced it or it has been stolen.

Susymama 3 years ago

Your blog is the first and only blog I have ever commented on. Great post! Nailed it.

Beth Cooper 3 years ago

That is SOOOO AWESOME. I am sharing with my friends!

Nicole 3 years ago

Yes!!!

Nicole 3 years ago

I call them ” not so fun bags” now. New boobs soo needed.

Nicole Dumas 3 years ago

I am IN LOVE! You ladies are hilarious and made my day!

Denise 3 years ago

Laughed my butt off after reading this.
I made my hubby laugh ater seeing a turducken on a t.v. commercial and telling him I could never eat it because it looks like a giant post pregnancy vagina!
And as to post pregnancy boobs my remind me of old fashion roller blinds like ifmy hubby grabbed hold of a nipple and pulled they wold just roll right up!

christine 3 years ago

I agree w/ whoever said they are NEVER having children. This is scary! :-/

Mitz 3 years ago

YEAH Tabitha!

Is horrible man aware that his balls will sag just as much as our breasts do and there will be hair sprouting from EVERYWHERE on his nasty judgemental body?

Mitz 3 years ago

I got a similar phone call from my shy sister in law when she had her daughter. She wanted to know why I didn’t warn her about the vag fat!

Mitz 3 years ago

LOL! Bethany you just totally cracked me up.

Melanie 3 years ago

I know my tongue got bigger after having my son!

Lami Martin 3 years ago

hahahahaha

I can I almost choked at the elephant.. Oh so so funny and I can so relate!! You are not alone in this dire world :-p

Becca 3 years ago

2 thumbs up!

Michelle 3 years ago

Really funny! One change for me… my “muffin-top” is more of a “soft-serve ice cream cone” there’s many more “tops”. Esp when I tried to put on my skinny jeans. LOL!!

Becca 3 years ago

You get it! Our flaws always look worse to us than other people. Someone needs to lighten up…. Do they have plastic surgery for that too?

Mel 3 years ago

If I was a cosmetic surgeon (alas I am not, but I wish I’d married one) I’d be skulking around this blog for sure. Having had 2 emergency c-sections, I don’t have the pleasure of a vasshole, formerly known to me as a vaganus. I do however have the required muffin tops, both over my maxi size jeans and over my maxi size undies. The caesarian left me with that extra muffin top over the bikini line, not-so-fondly known as my precious FUP (fat upper pussy). My thighs haven’t seen sunlight since January 2007 and glow in the dark as a nice accompaniment to my glow in the dark moon size butt. Oh how I lament my pre-baby figure.

Anna 3 years ago

I didn’t notice it until I took a picture of myself. And on video – I totally notice it on video…

Nikki 3 years ago

Angry pancakes!! Hilarious.

I consider them to be more like deflated windsocks…

Tabitha 3 years ago

Really?? Men want to cheat because their wife got stretch marks after giving birth to their child?? Get a c-section; yeah because your vagina doesn’t change if you have c-sections? I have had two c-sections and I can tell you that as I have gotten older (something that all women do, we age) my vagina and the shape of it has changed. You sir, are not a real man! My husband loves me stretch marks and all. He loves me even though my vagina don’t look like what it did when I was 18 and my boobs don’t look like what they did when I was 18. However, I have had two of his children and I have aged, so he doesn’t expect me to look like or be in the same shape I was in when I was a teenager. I wouldn’t give you so much credit either by calling yourself a asshole…you are a douche-bag!

ngaire 3 years ago

That is the most hilarious true blog post- brave and true hahahaha – and I hope its all worth it x

Rachael 3 years ago

I am never having children. DEAR GOD> O_o

Nancy 3 years ago

Come on Rachel….it’s not about giving up on your body, it’s about being able to laugh at yourself in any situation. Even when nature is against you!

Lori 3 years ago

Lighten up! No one is as thin, as perky, as cute as they were pre-kids. It just isn’t possible. It isn’t a bad thing. Just something we all have to accept.

mariska 3 years ago

Wait…is that ass picture supposed to be a “before” or “after” because I think it looks pretty darn good — especially compared to mine. :(

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

I call my ta-tas ‘national geographic boobs.’ My husband asked me if vagina lips are “supposed to be that big” and I told him to squish a potato out of his penis (that’s a good size ratio, right?) and when he’s done, let’s have a look-see at his penis and see if it still looks the same.
=)

Rachel as well but not the up tight one 3 years ago

You need to lighten up. This post not only made me laugh but made me feel better that it isn’t just me that have jacked up legs and more than I bargained for downstairs.

Cheryl 3 years ago

Oh, thank you. This was just what I needed today!

Jen 3 years ago

I call mine oranges in granny pantyhose, lol. ESP when bent over. :)

Kerry 3 years ago

Well I WAS considering a second child…but now… ROFL

Rachel 3 years ago

Oh yes and the catch you off guard sneeze that sends you running for the bathroom and for a new pair of underwear.

Keri 3 years ago

Yep, I’d choose my c-section scars over a vasshole any day!

Rachel 3 years ago

Yeah, a heads up would have been nice, huh?

Rose 3 years ago

I want a boob job too…mine look more like empty pitas.

Jenny 3 years ago

I wish I’d written this, because it is all about me–all except the part about the overgrown eye. And the sharting vasshole. You can own those ones on your own. :)

Jen 3 years ago

Mine look like two oranges stuck in granny pantyhose, especially when I bend over…..:(

Rachel 3 years ago

Tears! Tears are streaming down my face I am laughing so heard. That is the best, most accurate description I’ve ever heard.

Tanner 3 years ago

My angry pancakes look more like oranges in a sock:(

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

Omg, Anna. You are hysterical, as always!

And I have never been so happy to have had c-sections. EVER.

Derina 3 years ago

Oh my goodness!!!! I’m still laughing. One of my boys is home inbetween classes right now and wants to know what is sooo funny. I told him he wouldn’t get it and he would find it highly disturbing…. Ohhh I’m still busting a gut. Oh and the woman in the pic actually looks fantastic. I don’t see any tiger stripes, cottage cheese or rolls on her back.

Cindi 3 years ago

Me too! We are special.

universalgrit 3 years ago

Perfection. The other day, I was mentally writing a blog entry that I would call Vaginas Wrinkle, Too, but now, thanks to you, I can save myself the time because it doesn’t need to be written anymore. Vasshole is totally in my vernacular now, and my coochie has a new nickname. AWESOME.

Tonia 3 years ago

I think all women should get the following after child birth covered by insurance. I call it the mommy special: bob job, lift and enhanced, bladder lift (which i highly recommend) and tummy tuck. It should come as a coupon when you leave the hospital :)

Shanan 3 years ago

With so many comments I think we can safely say that we women are not alone but it takes a couragous women to say it. Glad that we don’t have to suffer alone. If you pee yourself, ask your Dr. about perineal re-education. Yep, send your vag back to school! It helps , seriously!!

Melissa 3 years ago

So great! Thanks for putting it out there!!!

Evin 3 years ago

In the bathroom right now staring at my eyes to see if they’re different. I don’t think they are but now I’m obsessed.

Laura 3 years ago

at least you didnt get stretched so far it took you 3 weeks to get better! i nearly kicked the doctor in the face but by the time i tried the baby way already coming. i took a look down there after 3 days and it looked.. let just say.. i thought i turn into a guy.. yes.. looked like i had balls. not something id liek to see.. i never ever let my husband see me naked after that day. vasshole does sound bad.. but i was stretched and stitched. 2 and a half months to recover. but it was worth it.. i got a beautiful baby girl. pain–worth being a mother.

Shanan 3 years ago

OMG-you kill me! No trunk!

Blair Jordan 3 years ago

OMG! So true, and so funny. Thanks for the laughs.

Nicole 3 years ago

Unfortunately some of us have c-section scars and vassholes… ugh!

Gina 3 years ago

But do vassholes produce mammoth queefs too? Wait, is that even how you spell queef? Seriously, this post is too accurate. My boobs are so flaccid and deflated that I can hold my phone underneath one and carry it around securely. Totally hot…

Molley Mills 3 years ago

No words! nup… too damn funny, I can’t compete. But seriously if we knew this before embarking on motherhood, would we? I think not!

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Yeah, the roadmap. Yeah. sadly yeah

Meredith 3 years ago

Anna, this is hysterical! And so, so sadly true. Nailed it!

vanessa 3 years ago

I have had 3 vaginal and one c-section. OMG! Soooo funny and true. I think everybody here in the Tim Hortons parking lot thinks I am a real big idiot for laughing to myself!

Julie 3 years ago

Omg this is hilarious! I call my breasts- potatoes in socks lol! What a refreshing bit of honesty about the unfortunate dark side of mommyhood! lol!

Violet 3 years ago

I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL

Reddgremlin 3 years ago

If men had to give birth, there would be fewer unwanted children in the world. Real men love their women before and after birth, for who they are, not what they look like. I bet you are single…

Jessica 3 years ago

This is hilarious and I have really never been happier about having c-sections than right now.

Reddgremlin 3 years ago

I am crying and laughing at the same time. The dog is looking at me like I lost my mind! Love it, love it, love it! “Vasshole”, ye gods, I’m hysterical!

AMummysLife 3 years ago

Oh, God, I’m laughing so hard I need to change my liner. #3 arriving between 6-10 weeks and I can so relate already!

Nicole Kinney 3 years ago

Omg…I read this a few minutes ago and I am still dying over here! This HAS to be the funniest blog/webpage that I have ever read. Thank you soooo much for your sense of humor, it gets me through the day lol.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

The boobs! Yeah, I can nurse the baby when she’s next to me in bed – and I’m lying flat on my back. So what? Flat, flexible boobs fold up for easy storage – people with nice boobs can’t say that!

Kiinu 3 years ago

“Angry pancakes” I. Am. Dying.

Sitting with my laptop, my poor toddler wants to know what’s wrong because I am laughing so hard I am crying.

Amanda 3 years ago

I sat grinning in a kind of crazed horror and sat up two inches higher as I clenched through this whole thing. Brilliant.

jen farrell 3 years ago

you should do sex-ed in schools! i always said that if they brought a woman in 2 weeks after giving birth and let young girls get a look at how ones body changes, there would be a whole lot less teen pregnancy lol.

Kelly 3 years ago

I love you. I have never laughed so hard in. my. life. EVER.

Amy 3 years ago

I need to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Up until about 15 minutes ago was having a bad day. I am still giggling like a five year old little girl!! I’m glad I am not alone!! Lol

erin margolin 3 years ago

omg. i have no words.

i have a vasshole, too. AND a c-section scar. joy of joys.

you rocked this post, sister! love you for being real and sharing this here!

xoxo

Amy 3 years ago

Hahahaha I’m in the same boat!!

Laurie 3 years ago

darn, having had c-sections, I missed out on the fun of a vasshole. Who knew????!!!!! Thanks for the laugh. My husband who is sitting across from me at the table, just said I confirmed for him, that I am in fact crazy!

Kristen 3 years ago

Simply said I read this at work and out loud laughed at this to the point of I couldn’t breath and I crying in hysterics.

Melissa 3 years ago

vasshole. completely awesome.
i honestly have thought about every last one these issues post child…thanks so much for not leaving me think i was all alone out there. i laughed out loud.

Lauren 3 years ago

Oh goodness. I laughed so hard at the part about your ‘carrots’. And then I read it a few more times and kept laughing every time.

Kendra 3 years ago

What about the oh-so-lovely hemorrhoids? What used to be a wonderful time in my life has become the most dreaded couple of minutes of my day.

Becky 3 years ago

I like my body now more then back then. I look better now, well with clothing on. I do somewhat agree with the breasts, but I say that mine started out as 2 large balloons, went to 2 extra large ones when I had kids, and now, they are just deflated like a balloon left for 2 weeks on end. My stomach looks great, well except the flame job running from my crotch to just above the belly button. But it’s fading and harder to see. I was against plastic surgery until I gave birth and now want my pre-baby body back. I understand why rich people do it now.

phelan 3 years ago

omg this is hilarious!!!

Fabbysi 3 years ago

That was the funniest thing i’ve ever read. Yes us moms can ALL relate to this and we do our best to look good but dam her facts are soooo true!! Ur my hero lol!!!

Kelley 3 years ago

I am cracking up because you obviously don’t know Anna. She is hilarious and this is a HUMOR piece. Even though it wouldn’t matter, she is thin and beautiful and is MAKING A JOKE.

asek 3 years ago

Too funny I do have to say I went up a few cup sizes after birth and having weaned 2 years ago they are still pretty perky and stayed the same from nursing. But in exchange I have a Cake top. :( and sure I would love to work out, but my kids Never Sleep. And I looked too at my vagina after I just had a baby. Big misake. Very scarry

Shandi Johnson 3 years ago

LMAO!!
I used to feel this way too!! Until i started using these crazy all Natural Body wraps!!
I feel in love with them – made all my friends try them, and now I sell them!
check out my Facebook page for before and after pics!
https://www.facebook.com/NaturalWrapz

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

Men who cheat do so because they have a terrible case of asshole-itis and not because of their wife’s stretch marks or vagina.

Beth 3 years ago

Hmm, maybe I’ll stop at one baby…. Though I still have large if not full breasts and, I might sound crazy, would gladly have them shrink to hideous nothingness!

Dani 3 years ago

If you loved your body you wouldn’t think you needed work done.

The Flying Chalupa 3 years ago

“a giant, weary elephant”
“vassholes”
“sharts”

Thank you. THANK YOU. The truth is both hilarious and painful.

Carrie 3 years ago

RIght?!?! Seriously.

Cheri 3 years ago

OMG I am dying over here!
I have the eye thing too, its like the third kid is the one that breaks the camels back!

Kristen Brakeman 3 years ago

Good lord this is oh so sadly true.
Clothes especially – when I get dressed in the morning I worry that a “What Not to Wear” crew will be following me around. With good reason too!

Carrie 3 years ago

OMG. O.M.G. I am dying over here.

Thanks for the honesty – I can relate (to the post-baby body parts, not the honesty – I am still pretending my boobs are more cantaloupe/less carrot – denial is a powerful thing).

Nerissa 3 years ago

If you are a man – why are you reading this. Childbirth is not something most men want to know about or read about, especially the after shocks!

MrsSmith 3 years ago

I’m definitely not having a third one if it makes my eyes go all crooked!
Two vaginally birthed, breast fed babies was enough for me anyway!

Heather 3 years ago

I’ve never been so grateful to have only had C-sections. “Vasshole” imagery is going to haunt my dreams now!

Nerissa 3 years ago

Thank you for the laugh at reality! I certainly needed it this morning

Meredith 3 years ago

My Son (age 8) actually suggested I do that to feed the baby!!!

Leslie 3 years ago

AMEN, sister!

mortified by by lady bits 3 years ago

I think we all know that if men were the ones giving birth? Reconstructive surgery would be part of the included insurance plan.

Momma Peters 3 years ago

Mine look like ziploc baggies with a couple drips of water in them to help the sagging. Some nice new boobies would be delightful!

Melissa 3 years ago

Genius!! #3 is all too real for me but my childess friends just don’t get it. I wish they had nightclubs for parents that opened at 7pm & closed at midnight!

Leslie 3 years ago

Took the words right out of my mouth. That ass looks so familiar…

And “vasshole” OMG, Anna. I didn’t think it was possible, but you just taught me a new v-word. (And I love it!)

Layla 3 years ago

OMW! This had me holding my stomach with laughter!! Thanks for making my day. I’ll definately keep this in mind when I’m having a shitty day!

mortified by by lady bits 3 years ago

have appt with urogynocologist for surgery to have entire vasshole region reconstructed. am so excited it’s ridiculous. but occasional uncontrollable farting as I walk across a room and peeing every time I sneeze, cough, laugh, our lift something heavy? enough is enough!

Jen at PIWTPITT.com 3 years ago

Exactly. When did going under the knife become a good example to teach our kids? You must not love your body too much if you’re willing to take the risk of elective surgery. When you’re getting your boobs done, could you ask them to fix your funny bone too?

Michelle Saunderson 3 years ago

Too funny. Laughed until I couldn’t read anymore because I was crying…lol.

Amy 3 years ago

It’s called the “mom eye”. It gives us the ability to give them death stares to our children when needed…lol!

Horrible man 3 years ago

I’m so sorry; I know I am going to sound like an asshole. But this is gross. You can say all the beautiful things you want about child birth, and how every stretch mark is worth it. But this is exactly why men want to cheat.
Love or not, physical attraction is real.
Get a c section…. ELEPHANT VAGINA, OMG!!!

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

Mom Jeans have ALWAYS been funny. Pardon me, I have to go iron my pleats.

Lacey 3 years ago

I finally got my tummy tuck! Its a start!

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

VASSHOLE, for the WIN! Anna, you hit this one out of the park. Homerun.

Lori 3 years ago

You’re the first other mom Ive ever met to have had one eye change after pregnancy!!!! Noone else sees it except for people who I might challenge to put eyeliner on me now.lol Ive googled and found nothing about this though….

Christine 3 years ago

Mine look more like fried eggs.

Alicia 3 years ago

Oh, my goodness, it’s good to know none of us are alone. LOL!

Danielle 3 years ago

Would getting “work done” to our bodies be setting a good example to our children?

Robin 3 years ago

My eldest daughter sent this to me wanting to know why I haven’t shared any of these with her (they are planning on having children soon, I hope!) I was sitting in the store parking lot laughing and crying so hard as I read each of these! I told my daughter she was the one that caused my Vasshole! Lord did I ever need a good laugh today!

Bobbi 3 years ago

Well I guess you could say I hit the Jackpot!
I have a lovely vasshole and C-section scar. :(

jessica 3 years ago

Dying here lol

Lisa Poltz 3 years ago

I think we’re identical twins!

Lisa Poltz 3 years ago

I’m writing this from the bathroom cause it takes a while to produce a pellet of poop. When I get done writing I’ll pluck the mini-forest that grows on my lip and chin.

Love it! Funny as hell!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Yep. They are.

Joy 3 years ago

OH MY LORD, I’m lizzing, craughing and possibly sharting over this post! Sooo funny-cuz-it’s-sad-but-true! You are not alone.

In my roll of the magic 8-ball of pregnancy, I avoided anything varicose and instead landed on “Teeth shifted.” NOT better. I have to, on top of having adult acne, get BRACES to fix them! Not invisalign, oh no, that’s too easy. UGH! Yeah, yeah, the kids are worth it. I mean, so far. But they’re still babies :)

Thanks for the laughs!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Well, I’m certainly going to croon sweet nothings to my thrice-over c-section scar. “Shhhh, darling, at least we don’t have a vasshole.”

Hats off, Anna. To you and your sad elephant.

Carmen Chloé 3 years ago

OMG this is Hilarious and Simply Brilliant!!!! I can slowly see myself identifying more and more with all of these. As a fairly new stay at home mom of a 17 month old I am currently fighting to not completely slip into the abyss of all 10 of the aforementioned post baby nightmares!

Aaren 3 years ago

Lmao thanks for the ab work out

Toulouse 3 years ago

This is just perfect and hilarious! And I’m incredibly happy to have a new favorite word: vasshole. Thanks for that and the entertainment to get my day started off right. I’ll think of this and laugh whenever I feel like crying over my boobs, which, unlike yours did not dry and shrivel but instead dropped to my navel. Sexy!

brittany 3 years ago

Vasshole? I have had 2 kids both vaginal and i can honestly say the only ones i have are my legs and belly. Thats it.

Kerry 3 years ago

No doubt!

Rachel 3 years ago

Are wearing mom jeans funny now too?

mrs.rhodie 3 years ago

OMG! I just ran into my boss’s office and made her pull this up so I could read it out loud to her. She laughed so hard she snorted/shot coffee out of her nose. THANK YOU for our new favorite word, VASSHOLE!

Kathy at kissing the frog 3 years ago

Vasshole – oh honey . . .I feel for you.

You know what has gotten bigger on me are my shoulders – probably from carrying around five kids, groceries, laundry, everyone’s shit. I feel like I look like a linebacker. Just call me broad back. :( And man arms.

Marisa 3 years ago

I agree. She definitely let herself go. It’s not that hard to find exercises to get rid of those varicose veins. Injections cures the shriveled up boobs, too. Let’s not even talk about how a good moisturizer can get her eyes back to the same shape … probably her vagina, too. Plus, what kind of example is she setting her kids by not beating them into submission when she needs to have a bowel movement?

Good luck with getting “some work done.” I can recommend a good hypnotherapist for you to get your sense of humor back.

Arnebya 3 years ago

I refer to my boobs (not lovingly, either) as mosquito bites. Assholes. And you’re right about 10:00 being like some sort of cosmic cut-off. Shit, it’s 9:49, I’m almost a pumpkin. Husband, talk quick, buddy; I’m about to pass out midsentence because my time among the awake is up.

Rachel 3 years ago

No, I don’t inspect my flaws, which I do have. I love my body despite them. I NEVER said that I didn’t, did you not see that I said that I need some work done on my body. I do, indeed, have working boobs. I think it’s terrible when women give up on themselves, particularly their clothes. It’s not funny when it happens, it’s embarrassing. So now I think I’m perfect because I take care of myself? Bullshit.

onSanity 3 years ago

brilliantly put

Kerry 3 years ago

Me too!

Becca 3 years ago

Wow… lighten up a little. Seriously. I’m so glad to hear your body is perfect, your vajayjay pristine and your boobs perky. For the rest of us, nah it might not be THAT bad… But don’t your flaws appear THAT bad when you’re inspecting?? O but then again I forget, you work out and wear make up – flaws, what flaws?

Geez Louise, get over yourself lol

jeannine 3 years ago

I also went up half a shoe size post pregnancy.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

I think I just about shot some pasta out of my nose here. All of this is so hilarious. Too bad so much of it is true.

I’ll never forget the first time I tried spicing up my married sex life by doing some ladyscaping. I was horrified to discover I had a stretch mark on my pubic bone. What, the saggy deflated balloon skin over my abdomen wasn’t bad enough I had stretch marks there too?

Amanda 3 years ago

Rachel…Get over yourself. If you don’t have enough sense of humor to chuckle at this then I feel sorry for you. If you would have taken the time to look at Anna’s blog instead of judging her so harshly, you would see that she is gorgeous and thin! Life is too short to take things so seriously, honey.

jeannine 3 years ago

I’m not the first to say this bit OMG VASSHOLE!!!!! I am crying.

Scarlet 3 years ago

8 1/2

Scarlet 3 years ago

Me too. Mine have gone from a 7 to a solid 8, and occasionally an 8 1/8 if they run small.

Dani Ryan 3 years ago

OMG, I am DYING over here. This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Thank you for the laugh!!!!

Scarlet 3 years ago

During labor one of the nurses started rolling over this huge mirror, asking if I wanted to watch. Um, no. If I’d been meant to see that I’d be that flexible and could do it on my own. I thought I simply said, “No”, but I must have shot her a look that made her quickly retreat with that stupid mirror.

anna see 3 years ago

I thought this was hilarious! BTW, I call my boobs a marble in a tube sock. And the eye thing? Happened here too. We call it “Pirating” as in “Aaagh, Matey, look at me squinty eye!”

chris 3 years ago

i’m for the milfs….lets get weird

Scarlet 3 years ago

I will take my C-section scar over a vasshole any day.

Rachel 3 years ago

I really do NOT like this article at all. I usually love the articles, but this one is a miss. As a mom, this is almost insulting. No, my body is not the same, but I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has. I think it is terrible when women give up on taking care of themselves after having a child. You are not setting a good example for your children if you don’t take care of yourself. I wear acceptable clothes, I wear makeup, and I work out. I’m a thin mom, even though I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant. When I can afford it, I will get some work done. This is not funny, it’s gross. I respect myself too much to laugh at this.

Adro 3 years ago

I may complain about my c-section scar but a Vasshole sounds sooo much worse!!

Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) 3 years ago

I call mine pancakes, too! Angry pancakes sound much more accurate though.

Kat 3 years ago

I was going to comment on the post but you said everything I was thinking! Gotta love that you can’t jump, cough, laugh, sneeze or hell even stand up without having to run to the bathroom holding yourself like a 2 year old. And the acne is wonderful, its so backwards before kids I could leave the house without makeup if I wanted to but didn’t because I had all the time in the world to decorate my face. Now I have no time to do my makeup but desperately need to so I can cover up all the damn hormonal acne and wonderful raccoon eyes.

The Atomic Mom 3 years ago

Add a #11 to the list … loss of bladder control while in a coughing fit. My kids are letting me borrow their pull ups.

Jessica 3 years ago

Awesome list! I’d add: my read end and my shoe size.

Jenna 3 years ago

I have three kids too. I can relate. And I only recently realized one of my eyes is bigger than the other. I swear it hasnt alwAys been. Wtf? It bugs me and I hate it! Is having kids honestly to blame?!?

motherof2kids 3 years ago

Oh my goodness! I love you! I think you just crawled inside my head. I am so happy to know I am not the only Mommy out there that feels this way. My friends say things like, “oh, I can’t imagine life without them”, or “I don’t remember what life was like without my kids”,….and I think, really? You can’t imagine sitting on a beach, sipping a frozen drink, enjoying a good book? Or you can’t remember when you actually put on clothes that didn’t have an elastic waistband, wore makeup on a daily basis, and had something called “friends”,….because I can!

SunrunnerGal 3 years ago

Hilarious, even with a 14-year-old…all these ring true. I’m CRYING right now. I thought I was the only one with a weird eye! I swear, I told someone the other day that I think my eyelid got fat! So glad I’m not alone. Also, for the record – the woman in the picture is beautiful. NOTHING wrong with that picture.

Nathalie 3 years ago

Great article. I’M glad to hear that I’m not the only one with a bigger eye. I was talking about it with my husband the other day. Never heard of this post child “left over”…

mrs.monica 3 years ago

freaking hilarious!!! Might I add my inability to hold my pee (I piddle in my pants ALOT), my adult-onset 12 year-old boy acne, the fact that after breastfeeding I no longer have ANY feeling in my boobies…aka…no fun for me when hubby wants to play with them. Oh and how about my sadface belly button. What’s with that?

Jessica Orsini 3 years ago

OMG…#7 I can totally relate and have been driving myself crazy as to why my right eye appears smaller or saggier and just all around different from my left. So happy that someone else experiences this.

Stephanie 3 years ago

This is hilarious, but it’s actually funnier when you read it out loud to your husband. Try it.

Kristin @kdwald 3 years ago

The eyeball had me laughing out loud. The elephant would have been funny had I not known EXACTLY what you were talking about. Thankfully, it’s just the ears and not the trunk.

Jacki McHale 3 years ago

OMG! Vasshole!!
I now know that I can just say that hole A. and hole V. became one torn open Vasshole.
Floppy belly? Sexy when I’m on my back. Looks flat. Trying to get dirty on your hands and knees? WHY I’d love a saggy floppy mess of skin slapping my pancakes while I try to be sexy! Said no one. Ever.
Thanks for the laugh!

Anne Chaconas 3 years ago

HOLY SHIT. VASSHOLE. That might be the best word. EVER.

Jessica 3 years ago

Thank you. I am not alone. And I don’t think I have laughed that hard and loudly in quite sometime. Too bad it was at work and I had the evil eye thrown at me from many directions.

4kids.2347 3 years ago

I have 4… Somehow genetics have saved me from all of the above except shriveled carrots. I don’t even want to take my bra off in the shower!

Exhaustomom 3 years ago

Sitting here recovering from a hysterectomy, not supposed to be putting any stress on my body, I am cracking up about vasshole and the eye,I may bust a stitch but worth it to learn my favorite new word .nothing more fun than a vageroid on your vasshole!

Sheila 3 years ago

Same eye thing after my third child!

Anna 3 years ago

vasshole. omg, dying. also everything happens you don’t want to have happen when you’re out alone with three kids.

TheMomFactor 3 years ago

#8 is me all the way!! My mom is going on vacation. I told her not to die, because I have nothing to wear to her funeral if she does. She laughed, but I am completely serious. I’d have to shop, tuck in the tags, and then return it all later.

Tina 3 years ago

OMFG!! Too funny!

Vasshole Girl 3 years ago

Yeah that’s right I am now vasshole girl. I would say fuck me but apparently I have to wait until the stitches dissolve.

Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses’s Sh*t 3 years ago

OMG! The eye thing, yes! I had someone freak out and check me for a stroke, had to inform them that is just how my eyes look post babies. Sometimes if I get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep I can pass as normal, but that almost never happens.

susan 3 years ago

I had to throw out all my awesome size 7 shoes because after my pregnancy I am officially a size 7 1/2. Sigh.

Aimee 3 years ago

Oh god. I don’t know where to start. But one of my two babies (born 13 months apart, becoming 3 and 4 of my vasshole stretching regimen) will wake up any moment. So…my boobs don’t look like baby carrots; they’re still a cup size larger than before I ever got pregnant the first time; but they sure don’t sit as high as they used to. Think about driving from Maine to Mexico. DEEP SOUTH. I never looked to see if I had an elephant. I don’t want to know what it looks like. As far as this blog being excellent birth control I agree. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (girls). Who both very slowly backed out of the labor room when things started getting intense. I don’t think they’ll be dropping their drawers anytime soon.

vanillasugarblog 3 years ago

oh my god woman
you kill me
the vah jay jay does get ugly doesn’t it?
and i did not give birth

Angie Murphy 3 years ago

I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!

Amanda 3 years ago

Oh my God! I’m almost speechless. Vasshole? Elephant? It’s a good thing they don’t give you a mirror after a C-section. Pregnancy still changes all that business down there, you’re just not given a hand mirror and a high five for doing something awesome at the end of it. I will be using Vasshole and elephant in not-so-polite company before the week is out!

neo 3 years ago

I’ve only had one baby and I relate to this all too well.

Amber 3 years ago

I was smiling until I got to #4, then I LITERALLY laughed out loud. Thanks for the morning chuckle. Now I’m off to go work on ridding my body of my muffin top.

michelle 3 years ago

omg as a nursing mom of a 16 months old who thinks i’m a fast food joint she knows where the “fridge’ is and knwos to lift my shirt i loved no. 6!

Unforgiven 3 years ago

Omg! Vasshole?! LOL and where did you get a picture of my ass?

Angie Murphy 3 years ago

Read this 15 minutes ago and I am still chuckling to myself (my daughter keeps looking at me weird)… THANK YOU for these posts – these posts that poke fun at this thing called life, namely parenthood. Keep ’em coming, because they keep me smiling!

MrsWhit 3 years ago

LMFAO @ Vasshole & ELEPHANT!! THESE ARE THE THINGS OUR MOTHERS NEVER TELL US ABOUT HAVING BABIES

Brandy 3 years ago

Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)

Krystle 3 years ago

Lmao! True!

Jeni Kramer 3 years ago

Oh my god, yes! #4 – mine is less of a muffin top, more of a ziploc bag full of cottage cheese. So very, very sexy.

Beth 3 years ago

This is all so incredibly true, funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

Tanya 3 years ago

Vasshole. Thank you c-section.

Heather 3 years ago

Omg dying – this is pure greatness!!

Pam 3 years ago

OMG…I have all the same things. I just laughed myself off the chair!!!!

sara 3 years ago

LMao!!!! TOOOOO FUNNY!

Helena 3 years ago

Dying…so, so, so true. Specially #6. I want a boob job.