This Bidet Is Exactly What Your Blown Apart Postpartum Vag Needs

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
dashapats / Twenty20

Vaginas are legit amazing and you should be proud to own one. Even before you have a baby, vaginas are impressive, but birth is when they show you what they’re really made of. Which is apparently a combo of super-stretch elastic and muscles that could bench press a car if they were on your arms.

So celebrate your vag, ladies. It’s dope.

Until after you give birth.

While things are made to return to their normal upright position a few months after having a baby, that doesn’t mean the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing doesn’t utterly trash everything down there. Here’s what’s gonna happen that no one warned you about:

During Birth, It’s a Sh*tshow

The vagina is at its most extreme during childbirth. It stretches enough to allow a cantaloupe with legs through it, after all. Things tear, poop happens, and there will probably be stitches. During this part, we recommend avoidance. No, you really DO NOT want to watch the baby come out.

It’s Not Just the Baby Who Needs Diapers

You know all that stuff that was in your uterus that kept the baby comfy? That stuff has to come out. You will leak for AGES even if you have a c-section. The hospital will give you big, ugly undies and massive pads before you go home. TAKE THEM ALL AND ASK FOR EXTRA.

Things Are Gonna Be All Kinds of OUCH

Even if you have the most perfect birth ever, things will be swollen and bruised. Wiping will be painful, especially if you have stitches. May we suggest skipping the hospital-issued spray bottle and instead splurging on the American Standard SpaLet Bidet Toilet Seat. Its gentle, warm water will have your flappy vag believing bidets should be standard issue glo ups for every postpartum lady.

The Advanced Clean 3.0 SpaLet Bidet Toilet Seat from American Standard, gently cleanses your no-no spots, leaving you with a shower-fresh feeling every single time.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Mom

It takes forever for your uterus and other parts to return to normal, and you’ll still look pretty pregnant for a while after birth. Kindly ignore every celebrity who says two weeks later “My body is back!” because they probably used a surrogate and a team of plastic surgeons. IT’S A LIE. Get some real advice from an OB-GYN on what to expect from your postpartum, not-at-all-celebrity body right here.

And You Thought Giving Birth Was Hard

The perineum (between vag and anus) is super-sore after birth and probably stitched up, so pooping will be rough. It’s only made worse by constipation and its BFF, hemorrhoids. Use your SpaLet Seat liberally for sweet, sweet relief — and take those stool softeners you’re offered because you do NOT want to have to go through labor again for a twosie.

Watch Out for Tumbleweeds Because It’s a Desert Down There

Right about the time you spot your first baby smile, your vag and her neighbors will be back in pretty good shape — except here comes the drought. Yes, once all the fluids stop leaking, it’s like the vag goes Sahara. If you take your your vag to a sex party post-birth, be kind and buy it some lube first. It will thank you.

Once everything heals up, you’ve got two great things to celebrate: a happy vag AND an adorable baby. We don’t share these warnings to scare you, but instead to say your vagina is a force of nature that can take a licking and keep on ticking. If our vaginas wore hats, we’d collectively tip them in your honor.

Hold on to your vag, ladies, it’s gonna be a helluva ride!

This post was created in partnership with American Standard. The easy-to-install SpaLet Bidet Toilet Seat offers you personal comfort and gentle cleaning. Get tips on how to care for your vag pre- and post-birth and learn more about the SpaLet Bidet Toilet Seat.

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