Wake the Fuck Up

Of course you have heard of the book, Go the Fuck to Sleep. I would like to suggest a follow up, inspired by my husband…

———————————

The dishes are washed, everything tidy in its place
The leftovers boxed up, my dear, and the counters wiped away
I’ve asked you six times, don’t make me say it again
Please, for the love of God
Just empty the fucking trash can.

———————————

You work hard and need your rest
I do know that and care
But you slept all night and napped three times
You’ve more than gotten your share
It’s time to awake and get on with the day
Wake the fuck up already, you hear me OK?

———————————

You’ve been flipping for an hour
But have yet to pick a show
Could you be more annoying?
The answer is no.
Surrender the remote, I’ll ask one last time
or I’m kicking you out, on your fucking behind.

———————————

The day is getting dim
Soon it will be night
I can’t see a thing, my love
You have to know I’m right
I’m not as tall as you so I need your larger height
Would it kill you to change that fucking hall light?

———————————

I know you feel sick but I do as well
My nose is stuffy too
and my throat sore as hell
Please stop complaining
It’s just a little cold
So shut up and cope
You’re not that fucking old

———————————

I love you so much
I value what you say
But now I’m trying to sleep
And you’re keeping me awake
For the last time, my sweet,
I just don’t give a crap.
Enough already, really
Just shut your fucking pie trap.

———————————

I’m laying in bed, desperately needing my rest
You’ve been sleeping for hours
Happily passed out on your chest,
How are you so loud, I really don’t know
But if you don’t fucking stop snoring,
You’re gonna have to go.

———————————

Is this too much to ask,
from the man I adore?
I really don’t get why I’m so easy to ignore.
Start listening to me, that’s all there is to it.
Oh, and the dog needs a walk
Just fucking do it.

———————————

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

From Around the Web

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Heather 7 months ago

Martha Stewart

Megan 7 months ago

Kathy Griffin! 😛

Kristen 2 years ago

Thanks for that one. After the past few weeks I needed a laugh.

bunny wardlaw 2 years ago

Rotflmas!

Kay 3 years ago

Awesome!!!!
This literally describes my house…3 naps are typical and just start listening and get off the god damn iPad!!!

Eve 3 years ago

wow, I LOVE this! Too close to the truth to even think of showing my hubby though! :-)

mommaschaefer 3 years ago

So true! Although I would have to add a stanza something like…
I’ve just stumbled into bed
after falling asleep with the little heads.
All I want to do is read,
but you think a reach-around is in need!

Sammy 3 years ago

I love this. Made me laugh out loud, then realized my husband was looking at me like I’m retarded. Thankyou! :)

carole sokol 3 years ago

Thank goodness I found you “sister wives”. Isn’t it someone else’s turn to take him? LOL

tina 3 years ago

love it

Manda Bartlett 3 years ago

This is amazing. I read your article that linked to this and agree in many ways! If it is okay I would like to link to you from my blog :)

M

Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

Dear God…so true, and so nice to know I am not alone. My friend recently had a baby, and she asked me “is it normal that I just kind of want to kick him in the head when the baby wakes me up for the third time that night, and he is still sleeping? And then he complains about how badly he slept. ” I simply said “yes, yes it is perfectly normal.”

Ingrid 3 years ago

Perfect! I totally resemble this, my DH is snoring on the couch right now and his hockey game is over, time for me to grab that remote.

Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

beyond perfect :) It is the mantra we must all say. Glad to know I am not alone

Kitty 3 years ago

I love you, Scary Mommy. I fucking LOVE you. that is all…

sarahlynne 3 years ago

That was hilarious! I was laughing out loud. Thank you for that.

Jennifer 3 years ago

An oldie but goodie!

Mercy 3 years ago

Why is it that sick men turn into such babies?

Amanda 3 years ago

Hilarious!!

Jillian 3 years ago

Hell yes, I could see Glenn Close for sure.

Dominika 4 years ago

I am new to your blog, have been glued to my computer for hours reading all your posts!
This made my day, week, month and YEAR. love it and thank you for your genuine honesty.

Bohemian Hijabi 4 years ago

I would like to have this printed on a T-shirt, if I could. Just when I thought you couldn’t be any more awesome…

Jo-Anna 4 years ago

omg. Seriously, this is so hilarious. Calling in the hubby to read it right now. Love it. All of it!!
Jo-Anna

Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity 4 years ago

That’s hilarious. I’ve told my husband that if he doesn’t start using the pile of Breathe Right strips I bought him, I’m going to shove them up his ass as I shove him out the door.

His snores can wake the dead. I’m sorry you have the same problem.

Ann 4 years ago

I’m so late to this parade. Fantastic. Just awesome.

Mandy 4 years ago

Wonderful. I swear, if the kids didn’t know how to read, I’d put it on the fridge.

Mandy 4 years ago

Oh my gosh…that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I think I will post it in my house!

Heather 4 years ago

FANTASTIC.

Marta 4 years ago

OMG I love it. Hilarious. I’m emailing it to my husband now =)

NICOLE 4 years ago

oh this is great… totally feel ya!

Kelly 4 years ago

Love it! Unfortunately, we can all relate! My husband and the cat are starting to look like twins! The snoring! – My mom told me a neat little trick she does to my dad – when she can’t take the snoring one more second, she pinches his *nose closed and then he has to open his mouth to breathe. It works in most cases, unless my husband’s mouth is already open, and he’s doing that crazy sleep apnea type snore – then I just wake him up and tell him to roll over. *Don’t hold both openings closed at the same time. lol.

The Flying Chalupa 4 years ago

I love Go the Fuck to Sleep and I love your version.

Men are as equally annoying as children. And if you ever get your husband to change the hall light, send him over to put some outlet covers on, would you? Mine is indisposed. With ESPN.

Skye Diaz | motherhood, etc. 4 years ago

you need to put this under “must read posts” below!!

@rookiemum 4 years ago

This is now the anthem of Mom/Wives in my neighborhood! Thanks for the laugh out loud and for the knowledge that there are others out there behind gritted teeth whose heads are screaming this too!!

Team Suzanne 4 years ago

I hope you get the band back together, put this sucker to music, and make it an anthem. Nicely done!

Jessica 4 years ago

So hilarious. You have crazy-amazing talent.
I truly thought I was the only one with half the lights in my house burnt out.

Johanna 4 years ago

I LOVE it!

Elaine 4 years ago

You realize you should totally have published this, right? Every wife in American would buy a copy.

NoDramaMomma 4 years ago

LOL! Add just a few more “fucks” and you have a normal conversation with my husband.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

This is award-winning. And an ode to most husbands.

Michelle Saunderson 4 years ago

Too funny!!!!

Erin 4 years ago

I only hate naps when the husband is taking one!!!!

Paula @ thewilyweez 4 years ago

This is too funny!

Kate 4 years ago

I’m in love with this. Sending to my husband now!

cindafuckingrella 4 years ago

That is fucking beautiful! You are a poet.

Tiaras & Tantrums 4 years ago

holy hell – my husband would SNAP if I posted something like this!! BUT frankly – I LOVE IT!

lej 4 years ago

AMENNNNNNNNNNN!!
Such a relief to know that I am not alone!
Beautiful!

Sarah 4 years ago

I didn’t think it was possible to love you more, Jill. But yes, you just proved that it is :)

I <3 you!!

(BTW – its totally legit that I used the <3 now, since its in the dictionary).

Heidi Blix 4 years ago

Love it!!!!!!!!!!

mommy23girls 4 years ago

Fantastic!

Kelley 4 years ago

This was hilarious!!

Optimistic Mom 4 years ago

How did you read my mind?? I have definitely been there…….

Georgie 4 years ago

I love this so much I want to frame it and give it to my husband.

Julie 4 years ago

I’m gonna need to see some illustrations.

Sabrina 4 years ago

Brilliance

Bridget 4 years ago

I think I need to read this to my sleeping husband, right now!

Nicki 4 years ago

Hilarious!!!! I love it!

wendy @ mama one to three 4 years ago

the best. You really are THAT good. Sharing with everyone.

Old School/New School Mom 4 years ago

This is so right on! Awesome. You rock!

Kim 4 years ago

Love it!!

Stephanie @ Figments of a Mom 4 years ago

Love it!

Lee 4 years ago

Pie trap! LOVE IT!

erin@mommyonthespot 4 years ago

Sing it, sister!

lori Stefanac (Lola) 4 years ago

So poignant and moving! (picture a single tear trickling down my cheek)
Thank you for sharing this emotional tour de force 😉

Tinne from T and T 4 years ago

I’m sooo emailing this to my husband!

Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl 4 years ago

Absolutely awesome!!!

Gabrielle 4 years ago

Are you kidding me? You’re a genius! I must print and post on my fridge. WTF, this needs to be posted around town for all man to see!! Awesome

Fiona 4 years ago

This has made my day!

Beth 4 years ago

That was fabulous! I was cracking up at the first stanza.

JG 4 years ago

You really got me with the hall light. My SOB husband just won’t do it. Weeks of asking…..the snoring rings true as well….ok all of it! Awesome job, Jill! Once again, you nailed it!

Andrea 4 years ago

Bwahahaha! Love this, it is perfection!

Brittany at Mommy Words 4 years ago

Brilliant and spot on. Now I have a bedtime story to read to my husband.

Stephanie 4 years ago

Please forward a copy to my husband asap.

Practical Parenting 4 years ago

Nice work, my friend. Nice work :)

Lady Estrogen 4 years ago

Awesome!

I’m assuming this is the abbreviated version, because I’m seeing chapters here 😉

Tonya 4 years ago

Love love love!!

Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation 4 years ago

You are my fucking hero.

Jen 4 years ago

Seriously? This might be the best thing I’ve ever read. Ever.

kat 4 years ago

this is just so hilariously true!

Yennifer Javier 4 years ago

Lol, too funny!

Ricki 4 years ago

Pure genius!!!!!!!!!

The Grouchy Mom 4 years ago

I loved it so much, I wrote a poem in response….

Now I have to find the original book – I never heard of it ’til today and now I’ve read about it on two blogs!

Gigi 4 years ago

OMG, you have been reading my mind!

Every time I see him napping on the couch I have an insatiable urge to poke him with a large stick! And if I hear *one* more snore….well, I cannot be held responsible for what may happen then.

Skye Diaz | motherhood, etc. 4 years ago

Jill, you are hilarious! Where do you come up with this stuff?! are you going to make a book of it too? :)

Julie {Angry Julie Monday} 4 years ago

I heart Jill!!

megryansmom 4 years ago

Sheer fucking genius!

Carolyn 4 years ago

I LOVE it! I’m emailing this to a ton of friends who can relate!
The garbage can full is my pet peeve, along with
long grass,
walking past a basket of clean clothes that need to be folded, things not put back,
and … I could go on and on :)

Kim 4 years ago

HILARIOUS!!! Better than the original!

Amy 4 years ago

you are brilliant! This is hilarious and spot on!

Oh, and its my second time visiting today…I needed to laugh, again!

Amy 4 years ago

Amazing.

Amy 4 years ago

Ohhhhhh I love this. Am now going to share with everyone I know. :)

Jennifer Probst 4 years ago

OK, here we go again – another post that is going to become a classic!!!!

Kelly 4 years ago

How do we go about nominating you for a Pulitzer?

Natalie @ MamaTrack 4 years ago

Awesome. I love this. Especially the part about being sick. I mean, seriously, how can they be more sick than we are every single time?

Katja of Skimbaco 4 years ago

Also sending this to my husband.

Hopes@StayingAfloat! 4 years ago

This is perfection! Absolute PERFECTION!!

holly 4 years ago

You know my husband all too well. Are they all alike? It’s somewhat a relief.

Lisa 4 years ago

Am snort laughing now … that’s awesome!!!
I wonder if you could get Noni Hazelhurst and Samuel L Jackson to read this aloud.

Twenty Four At Heart 4 years ago

Now you just need to post a husband’s response too! : )

Lindsey 4 years ago

I actually own a copy of Go The F To Sleep. And when you publish this, I will pick up a copy of it too.

melissa 4 years ago

wow, you should be a greeting card writer. your sentiment is so spot on. i’m sending this to my husband. thank you.

jacqui 4 years ago

So touching…I have tears in my eyes.

Alison@Mama Wants This 4 years ago

Could THIS be your book instead? Now you just need to find an illustrator (the children?) and you’re set!

Seran 4 years ago

This is brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cindy@www.straddlingthegap.com 4 years ago

This was so funny – I was laughing and crying at the same time! My husband found it humorous too 😀

Alicia 4 years ago

Love this!!! So funny!

anymommy 4 years ago

The perfect compliment to the sleep book. Love it. (Matt snores. It makes me murderous.)

ptworkingmom 4 years ago

This is hysterical! I love it!!

Rachael 4 years ago

Love it! This is freaking awesome.

Janet 4 years ago

Nope, obviously not alone.

Not Winning Mom of the Year 4 years ago

ohhh Scary Mommy, we are so the same… thank you for writing my thoughts down on paper.

Jeannie 4 years ago

thanks!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Go for it!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Of course!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

I fear that we are. At least we’re not alone, though, right?

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

That used to be Jeff, but now he snores anywhere, three seconds after falling asleep. It makes me CRAZY.

Symanntha 4 years ago

I think this should be put into book form, or at least made into a really nice picture for an anniversary gift! Or a birthday gift. I will buy it!!!!!

Chrissy MacCEO 4 years ago

HAHAHAH! Love it! Every husband need to read this! Maybe then they’d wake the fuck up! LOL!

Kimberly 4 years ago

I love this. The snoring thing kept me up until almost 4:00 this morning… And he’s currently napping on the couch, but isn’t snoring at all. Explain that one.

Chelsie 4 years ago

Is it wrong that as I read that, the voice in my head sounded like the silky baritone of Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction?

Anthony from CharismaticKid 4 years ago

I can’t wait to get married, Jill.

Love, Anthony

Janet 4 years ago

So, we all have the same life when it comes to husbands. How do we make it better or different? Are we really stuck like this?

Love it!

Lynn from For Love or Funny 4 years ago

I can foresee that your poem will be read at MANY 50th wedding anniversary parties…

Devan @ Accustomed Chaos 4 years ago

bahaha. LOVE IT!

Stacy 4 years ago

Fucking brilliant, I say!!

Mary 4 years ago

OMG I LOVE IT!!!!!

Sammie Love 4 years ago

This is FANTASTIC!!!! Can I have permission to reprint for my girlfriend with your writers credit of course?

OneMommysThoughts 4 years ago

FABULOUS!!! There have been so many times I have felt these exact words and heard them in my head before trying to politely ask my husband to do what need to be done. Thank you for the laugh!

Headacheslayer 4 years ago

BRAVA!!!!!!! Pure brilliance!

GTFTS is…a gift from God. I have never laughed so hard as when I listen to Samuel L Jackson narrate that. Best book EVAH.

Courtney @ The Mommy Matters 4 years ago

This is hilarious. I think I’ll print it and stick it on my fridge.

Tora Munck 4 years ago

Oh my! that is so funny! And so true! Don’t have a husband any more, but boy! do I remember how it felt!

Life with Kaishon 4 years ago

Laughing so hard.
I want to print this and share it with my sweetie who has yet to change the freaking hall light.

Mel Blackbird 4 years ago

OMG!!! I can’t believe this wasn’t written sooner!!! I love it! Let me know when it comes out in hardcover – because if he doesn’t get the hint by reading it, I’ll beat him with it!!

Jeannie 4 years ago

Hahaha I fucking love it! Can I repost with credit?

lynn @ Maven of Savin’ 4 years ago

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!! And that is scarily my life – LOL!!

Andrea 4 years ago

AHHHAHahahahaha, we are married to the exact same man!

Pam 4 years ago

Love it so much!!

mom-mom-mom 4 years ago

Holy crap — are we sister wives?

Just Jennifer 4 years ago

Oh it’s so good! Women everywhere would flock to buy this book!

Jessica 4 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAAHA!! BEST POST EVERRR! That is TOTALLY my husband! :)

Tracy 4 years ago

Fabulous! I think you stole my husband!!

Amy Weisman 4 years ago

It’s official (if you haven’t heard it before), you are brilliant. This should go in your book, definitely seek out illustrations!! This alone could be your best seller. Totally going to RT & post on FB.

vanillasugarblog 4 years ago

love it. so true and so want to put into practice.

Kelly 4 years ago

I think i may go with Glenn Close on this one! :)

Hatton 4 years ago

You just need to illustrate and you’ve got a best selling bathroom book! Lol!

Hatton 4 years ago

Lol! Now you just need an illustrator, I think this could be a best selling bathroom book…

Elizabeth Flora Ross 4 years ago

Brilliant! :)

Natalie 4 years ago

I love you. Seriously. I laughed so hard at this I stopped hiccuping (which I’ve been doing for an hour straight).

Ashlee 4 years ago

This is getting printed and left in the bathroom so my husband will actually read it

Echo 4 years ago

Love love love it!!!! Sounds like you wrote this about my hubby too! lmfao

Stephanie 4 years ago

Ha! Ha! HA! I’m sharing this as soon as I can get to my laptop!

Erika – In Erika’s Kitchen 4 years ago

I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

Galit Breen 4 years ago

Genius. XO

Crystal @ PoM 4 years ago

OH.MY.GAWD! That SO reminds me of my own hubby!

Denise 4 years ago

That is awesome. Though my husband is more likely to dedicate it to me in our house. I end up with more sleep due to my migraines and he picks up the slack.

Triplezmom 4 years ago

This. Is. Awesome. You need an illustrator and a narrator. I’m thinking Eric Carle and Susan Sarandon.

Chantelle 4 years ago

This is my house too! Maybe all three of us are married to the same guy?

lotsodramamama 4 years ago

ROFL AWESOME!!!!!!! Thank you for this!!

Stacey 4 years ago

Fucking LOVE it.

Krista 4 years ago

Meryl Streep!

Alicia @MommyDelicious 4 years ago

Haha! So funny! Love it!

Krista 4 years ago

If I didn’t know you already were, I would tell you to write a fucking book. You are a gift!

Kat (@kathym425) 4 years ago

Love it!! Now who do you nominate to narrate this one? Somehow, I don’t see Samuel L. Jackson doing this one, LOL

Greta Funk 4 years ago

THIS IS MY HOUSE. Have you been spying on me?? Are we married to the same man??

So funny, and SO TRUE.

The Mommyologist 4 years ago

FABULOUS.

Amber 4 years ago

AWESOME!!!!!!!

Stacy 4 years ago

Ha! Love it. These thoughts and more have been running through my mind ever since going back to work after a year at home with my daughter.