1. Don’t buy toys. The fewer toys you have in your house, the fewer things you have to pick up off the floor. It’s a scientific fact that toys have a greater gravitational pull than anything else and will always, always end up on the floor.
2. Don’t let your kids play with the toys that other people give them. Convince them that toys are only for looking at; see above reason.
3. Don’t feed your kids anything crumbly. No cookies, bread, crackers, pretzels, cereal, or granola bars. Especially granola bars – they get stuck to the carpet and hurt like hell when you step on them.
4. Don’t have pets. Between the hair, the slobber, and the extra poop that enters your life, you must resist every request, demand, or wheedle for a cat, dog, or rodent that your kids throw at you.
5. Don’t feed your husband. Cleaning up the extra dishes from his meal, and the extra pots & pans from cooking his dinner after you have snacked on cheese & crackers and given the kids peanut butter sandwiches, are just not worth it – if you want to keep a clean house.
6. Vacuum every 28 minutes whether it needs it or not.
7. Never ever host play dates. The only thing worse than cleaning up after your kids, is cleaning up after other peoples kids.
8. Do not give your children crayons. No matter how many times you tell them “ON. PAPER. ONLY!” they will continue to color on floors, walls, and furniture.
9. Do not give your children stickers. No matter how many time you tell them, “ON. PAPER. ONLY!” your husband will allow them to put stickers on the windows that will carry over to the floors, walls, and furniture.
10. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your children to play outside. Not only will they track in rain, mud, snow and dirt, but you’ll be dealing with piles of boots, gloves and hats.
Spotless house guaranteed!
But, if having your house “show ready” is not high on your priority list, and you would rather spend your time making memories with your kids than preventing them from messing up the house, perhaps these tips aren’t for you. Personally, I think my house is good enough. For all the screaming and fighting going on, there is also peals of laughter, belly-shaking giggles, and lots of great childhood memories being made.
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